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In my chest,
And it never lets me forget,
How painful,
It use to get.
As it tightens it’s grip,
And slowly suffocates,
What ever air I have left.
Scared to give breath,
To a life,
I could have instead.
(I don't know if this makes any sense)
We are always here to talk and remember, you are never alone ❤️
I changed for people,
Since I was little,
To fit their perfect world.
But no matter how many times,
I moulded my life,
It was never enough,
For them to look twice.
Like my insides were split in two,
But you knew,
Didn’t you?
Even though,
I couldn’t believe it was true.
That I was grieving,
For a mother,
Who was still alive.
But just didn’t want to apologise.
For the monster, she set loose,
Right in front of my eyes,
That night,
My sister, screamed for her life.
To the little girl who cries.
The one who flew solo,
And kept her head held high.
She was so brave,
Braver than you and I.
With her sad little eyes,
And her struggles with life.
And although it seems impossible tonight,
I know ahead, there’s something so very bright.
Can I just be done?
Why is it,
That life must go on?
Quiet. Quiet. Someone's here
Fight or flight. Constant fears.
I'm far away, but it's crystal clear
On replay, spilling tears.
I hurt myself today
Just to make sure I'm still alive
My mind's so far away
I'm still scared. How do I survive?
I can't tell anyone so I suffer silently
How could you do what you did to me?
I think my mind is finally broken
Everything inside forced out in the open
I can no longer hide this from my face
Everything is jagged and out of place
Hope is something I no longer chase
So I drift away, leaving no trace
And If I’m being honest…
I think I’ll be walking endlessly,
Until the end of reality,
Where fog drowns us quietly,
And love stays a mystery.
I noticed you mentioned SH within your poem and while I am not able to offer advice on this matter I can signpost you to some very useful organisations. The organisation Mind has a great article with some tips on coping with urges to SH. There are also apps like Calm Harm and distrACT with tips and techniques on coping with SH that you might like to look into.
We care for you and just want to make sure you are keeping yourself safe. Keep reaching out and remember you are never alone
This soul still searching.
U know they say, " trust".
But what to do, when all hopes have turned to dust.
I'm this desperate child.
Alone, out there in the wild.
Begging.
But just not getting.
I wanto talk to u.
Not get ignored, or just argue.
I wanto sit on the floor.
Just cry and mourn.
I wanto kick and scream.
Until I heal.
Even tho its not ideal.
I wanto let go.
Of this ever breaking show.
I wanto shrivel up.
And just sit on mummy's lap.
I wanto be told Its ok.
Tho this might seem cliche.
I wanto be looked after.
Not shrugged off with laughter.
I need to be held so tight.
Keep me there, till I see some light.
Coz I'm to small to be an adult.
Coping with letdown and insults.
Cradle me for all u can.
I wanto feel ur soft hands.
I'm craving.
To just. be held.
Emotionless, an empty face
Day to day, keep to the pace
A broken mind, empty space
Labeled as a "complex case"
Post-traumatic triggers, lost in a daze
Remember when they said it was "just a phase"
Why look to the future to numbered days?
Tangled in the overgrowth, trapped in a maze
Artificial, unrealistic, just like a machine
Haven't felt normal since I was thirteen
Hide my head under a hat, I don't wish to be seen
Trust is a flame, a touch away from gasoline
Come any closer and you'll see me explode.
Instant guilt. Instant shame. Retreat and reload.
Fight or flight. Alert - always in survival mode.
Is this real, have I lost it? I cannot break the code.
Go to school, get a job, retire, die. That's all we know.
I was never taught how to regulate the highs from the lows
A cycle on repeat, rotating so painfully slow
Maybe I'll always be distant, that it's how the story goes.
Nor do I breathlessly sit with the dead,
I don’t think I quite belong in the in-between,
Or strive to find out if I ever did.
Where we had to think so fast,
Or that breath,
Might have been our last.
Just like that,
Yet this feeling,
This pain,
This pretending…
Like everything’s ok,
Is slowly sending me insane.
People say it makes you stronger,
Is that really true,
When your emotions,
Are just led to the slaughter?
I suppose…
It really should,
Make you tougher,
When you’re raised by monsters,
instead of mothers,
As constant horrors,
Twist your soul,
And make you numb,
To the world.
But I’m not unscarred,
For the fight I’ve had,
Has left it’s mark,
And I know,
That I’m not the only one,
Who is trying,
To out run the dark,
As we all have demons,
That tear us apart,
But if you could have just sat with me,
And my hollow heart,
Then maybe life,
Wouldn’t have seemed so hard.
Like other kids do,
But I soon learnt,
About the truth,
That monsters weren’t fiction,
Or full of green goo,
And that a parents love,
Isn’t always there for you,
But instead,
The lure of demons,
Can comfort our blues,
Until it’s too late,
And we’re in debt to them too.
Where demons tore us apart,
They ripped us limb from limb,
Then put us back together again,
It’s then,
That we learnt how to smile,
When day light came,
And we hid in denial,
As our souls inside,
Continued to die,
And we didn’t see the point,
In staying alive.
My mother, a role model?
No, she was a wild beast on alcohol,
Tore doors to shreds,
Chased as you fled,
Ripped hair from your head,
Held knives to your neck,
Screamed,at any chance, she could get,
Drove on a motorway, while threatening death,
No, she was no role model,
But a demon at best.
Again and again,
To the flood,
That never really goes away.
It fills my lungs,
Like I’m breathing through flames,
And the hollow screams,
That attack in my brain,
Constant and full of pain.
And I wonder…
If my mother is to blame,
Or maybe, I’m just meant to be this way,
Left in the cold,
Like a stray.