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Yet another vent
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 1,945 Extreme Poster
Hey yall. Yes this is going to be another one of my long rambles going over how shit I feel, because apparently thats something I want to talk about right now. I guess these vents do work if I keep on wanting to write them more, right?
I dont know how to explain how horrible I feel without using the same words I kept on using the past 6 months. I keep feeling worse and worse, and my volcabulary isnt expanding fast enough for me to be able to explain it lol. Every single day I tell myself "I feel the worst, theres no way it can get worse than this" but turns out my life is real good at proving me wrong, all the time.
I cant believe I'm about to say this but I have to stop lying to myself, lately I've been feeling a little suicidal. Yes I said it. But I'm safe, I'm not planning on acting on this at all, I don't want to anyways. I kinda just wish all this pain was gone. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. I don't see things getting better at all, theres just too much wrong with me, everything is messed up. I have almost completely stopped caring for myself, though I havent cared much for myself anyways. I'm not gonna call any helplines cause I'm not in crisis, besides, they arent gonna make all my problems disappear. And neither will me making this post unfortunately. I like to think about venting and coping as a sort of painkiller for a missing limb, it makes you feel better but it isn't gonna regrow the limb.
Even when things are good they are bad. I've returned from holiday which was great, we have been to many awesome places and seen a lot of cool stuff and even visited some distant family. But I don't feel happy, I feel sad. Everything feels like it was a dream, a short dream at that. I have so many photos but looking through them all it feels like they're not mine. In every photo of me I can just see the sadness. Every single time I will look at these photos in the future, I will see myself not smiling or having fun, but depressed and struggling instead. I kinda want to delete all the photos, pretend like all of it never happened, but that idea terrifies me. Plus that would just be reinforcing those messed up thoughts of mine and giving in. Those photos are my only memories of the trip, I dont want to lose them.
But anyways. I seriously dont know what to do. I have planned so many things, stuff I can look forward to, like learning to play a new instrument or joining a sports club or anything social that can get me out of my comfort zone. But I know none of it will happen, I'm not willing or dedicated enough, otherwise I wouldn't be here struggling this much.
I dont know how to explain how horrible I feel without using the same words I kept on using the past 6 months. I keep feeling worse and worse, and my volcabulary isnt expanding fast enough for me to be able to explain it lol. Every single day I tell myself "I feel the worst, theres no way it can get worse than this" but turns out my life is real good at proving me wrong, all the time.
I cant believe I'm about to say this but I have to stop lying to myself, lately I've been feeling a little suicidal. Yes I said it. But I'm safe, I'm not planning on acting on this at all, I don't want to anyways. I kinda just wish all this pain was gone. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. I don't see things getting better at all, theres just too much wrong with me, everything is messed up. I have almost completely stopped caring for myself, though I havent cared much for myself anyways. I'm not gonna call any helplines cause I'm not in crisis, besides, they arent gonna make all my problems disappear. And neither will me making this post unfortunately. I like to think about venting and coping as a sort of painkiller for a missing limb, it makes you feel better but it isn't gonna regrow the limb.
Even when things are good they are bad. I've returned from holiday which was great, we have been to many awesome places and seen a lot of cool stuff and even visited some distant family. But I don't feel happy, I feel sad. Everything feels like it was a dream, a short dream at that. I have so many photos but looking through them all it feels like they're not mine. In every photo of me I can just see the sadness. Every single time I will look at these photos in the future, I will see myself not smiling or having fun, but depressed and struggling instead. I kinda want to delete all the photos, pretend like all of it never happened, but that idea terrifies me. Plus that would just be reinforcing those messed up thoughts of mine and giving in. Those photos are my only memories of the trip, I dont want to lose them.
But anyways. I seriously dont know what to do. I have planned so many things, stuff I can look forward to, like learning to play a new instrument or joining a sports club or anything social that can get me out of my comfort zone. But I know none of it will happen, I'm not willing or dedicated enough, otherwise I wouldn't be here struggling this much.
Believe in me - who believes in you
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Comments
You've got things in mind that you'd like to do - learning to play a new instrument sounds like a great idea; joining a sports club would great to get into better shape; and socialising in itself can help us feel less isolated. All great things, and to me, signs that there is a little bit of hope in there. I hope that you are able to get going on some (or all) of these, and I'm sure that when you do, you'll do great. But if you're not feeling like you're up to pursuing them today, then that's okay too - there's always another day that you can take that first step. And we'll here to listen to you, whether you want someone to hear you out when things aren't going well, or you want to celebrate when you do have a good day
Yea it sounds like a good time when I think back on it too. I just wish it felt that way...
You mentioned having plans to engage in new activities, and while it's true that motivation can be challenging to find, it's important to start small. Setting achievable goals can help you regain a sense of accomplishment and boost your mood. If you find that your current state is making it hard to engage in these activities, it could be helpful to speak with a mental health professional who can guide you through this process.
Have you been able to talk to anyone about approaching a therapist? I am wondering if there's anything or anyone who might be able to make it more manageable for you to call them again to check if they have space.
Could you also contact them through a different means (e.g., email) if it is the calling itself that is most difficult for you at the moment or could someone else contact them on your behalf? We are here for you to support you through this
Don't say that. I've had plenty of people replying to my stuff on many other threads, it's cool! Thank you for constantly checking up on me though
That seems really rough, have you tried talking about this social anxiety with your therapist? you mentioned you had an initial assessment and that you were referred to start cbt therapy. How's that going for you?
I hope that you're able to get your therapy sessions going soon. It's okay not to know why you're afraid of others, and it's not an uncommon feeling to have either so you're not alone. Doing your best to manage it, such as talking to a counsellor or applying for a therapist, are steps in the right direction, and that's progress in of itself!