Self-deception

mk1881 · July 2023

I think that as humans we are the best liars. And we're really good at lying to ourselves. I am a liar unto myself.

I project that I'm doing so great and so well until I sit alone with my thoughts. With my thoughts, I am honest and vulnerable in such an uncomfortable way that it hurts. I hate being alone and so I fill myself with everything I can, I try to slow down but then it feels too slow. I've come a long way.

Breath in and out

I'm gonna be okay.

(I'm sorry for posting so much)

yana · July 2023

I relate to this so much. It's really hard to just be honest with yourself, just to sit there with your thoughts and let yourself be vulnerable. I just fill my life with distractions until I feel burnt out lol. Ig we just need to slowly learn to be ok w being alone. I think logically it makes sense to be alone with yourself before you learn to be alone with others (if that makes sense) but what helps me is that the only time I was really let myself be vulnerable is if I have someone else there, just to be there. I won't talk to them or ramble or whatever I'll just know they're there and I'll be able to face my thoughts alone without feeling alone. Idk if that made any sense lol. But don't apologise for posting so much, post as much as you want

JJLemon18 · July 2023

I feel like that's completely normal. When I'm left with my own thoughts will start to overthink and catastrophise everything, then I start to worry and feel anxious at how horrible my life has become, when in reality I'm just focussing on the negatives. That's loneliness for you.
I'm always here if you need someone to talk to, and so is the community! Take care!

libbystrawberry · July 2023

@mk1881 i feel this way to, like in front of ppl its a mask of acting ok but in private ur a mess and will overthink like jjlemon said. i think u should distract urself, maybe writing down the way u feel and separarting it into things u can control and things u cant. maybe u can clear ur mind by meditating or something

JJLemon18 · July 2023

mk1881 wrote: »

(I'm sorry for posting so much)

Oh and btw, this line sounds very familiar hmm...

mk1881 · July 2023

@JJLemon18, I guess I've learned from the best haha😅

JJLemon18 · July 2023

@mk1881 wait... I don't know how to feel about that...

mk1881 · July 2023

@JJLemon18, hey take a breath. It wasn't meant seriously, it was a slight joke but a joke I clearly should've thought better of. I'm sorry, I didn't mean any harm in my statement. You've taught me a lot and I already over apologize. Again, I'm sorry!!

JJLemon18 · July 2023

@mk1881 hey, I didn't take it seriously! I even reacted with a 'lol'. Its okay, maybe it was me who made my reply sound bad, I'm sorry haha :)

mk1881 · July 2023

@JJLemon18, I think it was probably me now reading your intention and thoughts and what not lol I'm sorry. (also I'll reply in just a hot sec I have a lot of stuff going on right now)

louisa982 · July 2023

Sending you all the love. You are not alone feeling this way

Azziman · July 2023

Completely hear what you've all been saying here. When we've got nothing to occupy our minds, we're left alone with our thoughts, and sometimes that brings difficult or uncomfortable ideas into the forefront of our minds that perhaps we've been pushing away. That vulnerability can feel scary, and like some have said here, sometimes being with someone helps you to feel less alone in facing those thoughts.

There is a place for sitting alone with thoughts (mindfulness being a good example), but as @libbystrawberry said, there is the risk of overthinking. This is where self-compassion is really important. Acknowledging that vulnerability and pain, allowing yourself to feel those emotions (after all, we're all human, and we're allowed to feel!), and learning to be kind to yourself - all really important practices that help you to sit alone with your thoughts easier. And remembering that you all have value - inherently; to family, friends and loved ones; and as part of our community.

marcellus_beauregard · July 2023

@mk1881 I am so proud that you are trying to stay positive and calm. But do not force it upon yourself too much as it can being to hurt because you just reached to point of lying to yourself. So, it is best to simply acknowledge your current mental state and allowing yourself to be uncomfortable. I, too, hate being vulnerable because it feels uncomfortable for me. I think it is because I was taught at a young age to never cry or express my emotions because it was seen as bad and it could risk myself getting hurt physically. So, I never knew how to articulate myself but I am slowly being taught by others that it is okay to be vulnerable. I am allowing myself to feel this uncomfortable feeling and accept it though I really dislike it. But I am trying and working towards self-improvement and that is all that matters.

MatchaMia · July 2023

@mk1881 I honestly don't have anything too different to say after reading everyone's comments. I hope that you're feeling a little better and feel more at peace

Sometimes getting through that discomfort of acknowledging the truth of your feelings may help you to process your emotions in a healthier way where it's not all bottled up and destructive. I've gotten a lot better these couples years at spending time with myself but I've realised too much alone time can make me feel lonely and zone into my own thoughts that I don't realise I'm removing myself from everyone. I think it's been helpful (at least for me) to go somewhere quiet and listen to music or journal to process my own feelings, but somedays I put on a podcast where people talk about similar anxieties I may be overthinking about, just so my own voice in my head has grounding company, that way I'm not stuck in my thoughts and instead, considering different perspectives- this may also help you, I hope, if you're not yet ready to be vulnerable with friends and family or a person.

The discomfort of facing ourselves can be scary and that's why we want to speed up the 'healing' process but it's something you just can't rush. Please be patient with yourself, your feelings deserve to be felt and heard. It's certainly not something to apologise for! You're strong in your vulnerability despite its discomforts and you'll be okay.

Amy22 · July 2023

Looking at these all, I can relate to the lying to yourself thing too. Also I too find myself distracting myself with things until I get burn out where I can't or don't feel like doing anything. Sometimes I feel guilty too when feeling lazy or having burn out as I always felt the need to be productive and that my thoughts weren't valid. However, I know that it's normal to feel vulnerable and sometimes you need to allow a period or window of vulnerability for yourself, but then show yourself some compassion afterwards too. @JJLemon18 I am a crazy overthinker and I find that I overthink and overannaylse everything I do. I also feel numb afterwards too. Sometimes I tell myself to focus more on the present and on the now rather than the mistakes I made in the past. As really having that negativity won't help me enjoy the now. I know meditation can help with overthinking and particular thoughts too, though it isn't always for everyone. Sorry for the long message lol I kind of vented a bit

JJLemon18 · July 2023

@Amy22 Yea I really feel that. I never thought about trying meditation but from what I'm learning it is apparently incredibly helpful.

Amy22 · July 2023

JJLemon18 wrote: »

@Amy22 Yea I really feel that. I never thought about trying meditation but from what I'm learning it is apparently incredibly helpful.

Sometimes I can find it helpful but not always for me I guess, I know Headspace is a brilliant app to use especially if you struggle with sleep and sleep patterns too.

MatchaMia · July 2023

@Amy22

I used to have a meditation app too, I think It's a hit and miss for me sometimes I'm not really sure why- I think maybe it just depends on how willing you are to push yourself to do it properly on a day. I wish the apps that help your mental health like meditation were free though- a lot of their benefits are often a premium privilege.

Amy22 · July 2023

MatchaMia wrote: »

@Amy22

I used to have a meditation app too, I think It's a hit and miss for me sometimes I'm not really sure why- I think maybe it just depends on how willing you are to push yourself to do it properly on a day. I wish the apps that help your mental health like meditation were free though- a lot of their benefits are often a premium privilege.

They are most of the time and that's what I hate as well. It's like something that should be accessible to those who need is behind a paywall and it's sad really. Or you have a free trial and then it ends and costs you lots of money to keep the app. I only Headspace on Youtube as it's free, there are limited videos but the videos help me though in a way. I find it hard to focus tho doing it lol

CaniceQ · July 2023

@MatchaMia @Amy22 I've used a meditation app and I mostly share the same sentiments with you. Usually for me, these apps help me for like 2 days and then I delete them. I think it helps me for a few days because of the nice initial feeling of having some form of support, but I end up deleting them as I feel empty. I believe that this feeling is because of the superficial, robotic/instructive nature of these apps (well, the apps that I've found).

marcellus_beauregard · July 2023

CaniceQ wrote: »

@MatchaMia @Amy22 I've used a meditation app and I mostly share the same sentiments with you. Usually for me, these apps help me for like 2 days and then I delete them. I think it helps me for a few days because of the nice initial feeling of having some form of support, but I end up deleting them as I feel empty. I believe that this feeling is because of the superficial, robotic/instructive nature of these apps (well, the apps that I've found).

Yeah I agree. There are other methods to help anxiety, overthinking, sleeping and etc, but it really depends on person to person and because some of them take the form of apps or are very instructive, they appear superficial which is incompatible to our natural nature as humans.

Self-deception

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