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is this bad?
yana
Community Champion Posts: 1,277 Wise Owl
Is it bad to have a crush on someone while you're in a relationship with someone else? I'm not gonna act on it ofc not but I feel incredibly guilty just for feeling this way despite the fact I can't control these feelings. I just have always been the type of person to catch feelings very easily and quickly. Sometimes I'll be honestly intensely infatuated with multiple people at once. I assumed that once I'd get into this relationship it would be fine. This is my first serious committed relationship and for a while it really was like he was the only one I could ever want. I really couldn't see myself with anyone else. Now I have dreams every night about other people. The guilt is horrible and idk what to do about it. I refuse to talk to my bf about this. I usually communicate a lot and try my best to be honest but our relationship has been a bit rocky over the past week so I don't wanna make it worse rn and upset him even more. He has had such a tough week and so have I. I hate having so many complex and painful thoughts and feelings about someonr who used to bring me so much joy. Why can't love be easy?
my brain is not braining the way brains are meant to brain
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"Why can't love be easy?"
That really is the question.. I get being infatuated though. I learned about myself that I have inappropriate boundaries and often times my mind blends my friendships and blends them into relational or sexual attraction, hoping to gain a secure and safe attachment. I've worked through this though. Maybe you experience something similar?
@Xee the thing is u cant control who u have a crush on or if u have a crush, evryone has crushes even if ur in a relationship, that doesnt make u a bad person, in fact it makes u a human, im pretty sure ur bf might have a crush on someone else but that doesnt mean he'll act on it, and neither would u, i think maybe u might feel like ur relationship with ur bf is rocky bcz that "honeymoon phase" is over. and remember the way ur feeling is normal and happens to ppl both in relationships and not
However, I do believe that if what you're feeling is deeper than a one-off physical attraction, it may be that you're looking for something in someone else that your partner may not be giving you? It might take some time to identify what that is...maybe the feelings of infatuation stems from wanting more quality time or physical affection from your partner, and so it manifests into your dreams with a different person? Alternatively, it may just be a reaction to the rockiness you guys have had recently- like a 'fight or flight'? This might not apply to you at all, but in psychology I've learned that when people get in a vulnerable situation and things aren't what they want at that moment, they may look to other people to make their current situation 'easier', aka finding a new person to feel 'honeymoony' with because your own honeymoon phase is over. I think the right theory in psychology is called "Comaprison level of alternatives" if you want to read about it! I think if you feel emotionally and romantically invested in someone else rather than your partner, that's a red flag, but please don't take what I'm saying as something you MUST do, because only you'll know how you're truly feeling and so, what I think may not be the best for you- It really does depend, I know that doesn't give you too much without reflection
If there's anything to take away from all this - recently I've been listening and reading things on relationships- love as a feeling is easy, but the act of love isn't supposed to be easy, but going through all the hardships is what makes love so strong, as cheesy as that may sound. Love is more than a feeling, It's a choice, because feelings are momentary, they go and they can come back - if we made decisions just on fleeting feeling, long term stable relationships will become unsustainable so the question is will you choose to love that person every time, every day? or someone else?
Just somethings to think about!