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shameful_possum72
Posts: 17 Settling in
Hi so basically, this is going to sound weird and gross but I would really appreciate your input. So basically, I think I have OCD and so does a counsellor I talked to (although I don't actually have a diagnosis) but anyway, right now I'm really worried that I'm a pedo although I would never EVER actually do anything to make a child feel uncomfortable or harm them. I'm purely worried about my thoughts/feelings and what they mean abouy me as a person. Anyway, today I was having some me time iykwim and I kept getting intrusive thoughts of a child. This was a 'don't think of the pink elephant' kind of situation and I knew this and so I kept replacing the thoughts with appropriate things and kept going. I feel really guilty about carrying on but I havn't been able to do make myself feel good in ages due to my thoughts mostly being about paranoia over if I'm secretly a pedo or not. Regardless, was this morally wrong of me? I thought it was fine at the time but now I feel really guilty and like I should've just stopped. What do you think?
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First of all, well done for opening up about this in the forum and in real life with your mother, it must've been hard considering how much of a difficult topic it is.
I'm by no means an expert but in my understanding symptoms of OCD include having intrusive thoughts that go against a person's own morals and are not actually at all a consequence of the person's wishes or desires. Given this fact, do you think you could potentially bring these intrusive thoughts up with a professional or someone who would be more informed about OCD?
Being paranoid about something like this must be really hard and maybe speaking to someone more knowledgeable would help you understand the situation better. It is very positive that you are aware that those kind of thoughts directed towards children are inappropriate and wrong and that they go against your moral principles. It's also really good that you tried your best to chase those thoughts out of your mind and replace them with something appropriate.
In the meantime, i'd like to link a resource that I think you might find useful
Stop it Now is an organisation that gives advice and information for anyone concerned with their own, or another person's thoughts or behaviour towards children. Their helpline number is 0808 100 900 and they are open Monday-Thursday 9am-9pm and Friday 9am-5pm. You can also head to their website (www.stopitnow.org.uk) to access their live chat, which is open Mondays 9am – 12pm, Wednesdays 6pm – 9pm and Fridays 9am – 12pm.
Hope this helps,
Let us know how you've been doing
The fact you're looking for help at this stage @shameful_possum72 is a good thing. It means you can talk to someone about those thoughts before acting on them. It's also really clear that you understand where appropriate boundaries are which is positive.
Something I would highlight is that pedophilia is a sexual attraction to children, and that's something you would urgently need to seek help for and manage.
However, that can be separate from just an intrusive thought. Having intrusive thoughts while having 'me time' is pretty common - there was actually a joke in Friends about this where one of the characters said they were having sex and an image of their mum popped into their head. That's meaningfully different to being attracted to their mum - if that makes sense.
I'm saying this just to separate the two so you can figure out what this is, and if it's the first one (an attraction to children) continue having counselling to address it. And if it's the second one, it might still be worth exploring to see what's behind it.
I was also reading your other discussions, and inappropriate feelings for people seems to be a theme. You may already be talking about this in therapy but I wonder if there's something bigger going on here about the ways in which you relate to people? Maybe related to the OCD diagnosis you said you're pursuing - keep us posted on that by the way.
Most of all though I want to say there's nothing shameful about saying this and talking about it. I know there's a lot of stigma around having inappropriate thoughts (particularly sexual thoughts), but they're not thoughts you're choosing to have and you've done the right thing here.