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Dazed and Confused
mk1881
Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
Hey guys,
It's been an incredibly long time since I've posted at all but I know that this is a safe place. Over the last few months I've had some really heavy family drama and some remerging feelings regarding my parents divorce. I've begun finalizing some of my plans to move in with my bestfriend when I turn 18, Thomas and I have had some key moments and I've begun going through my adoption case file again.
In my case file so far, I've found out lots but my biological father doesn't think I'm his. This didn't really make me feel like anything when I first read it but later on, I felt an insurmountable feeling of displacement. I haven't felt like anywhere has been home for me in a while unless I have snuck out to spend the night at my best friend's house. I'm kind of just trying to sit with this new knowledge and notice my emotions regarding this topic. As far as my other family drama, I didn't give myself time to feel my emotions when I first got news of my parents divorce two years ago. I was understanding and tried to feign strength for my family. But when my mom's partner and her split it felt like a second divorce and every emotion I hadn't dealt with came flooding to my mind. I haven't been speaking to my mom for a month besides civilities. I'm not ready to talk to her and I'm working through what I feel but also comparing my feelings to crucial truths I know regarding the situation.
As far as Thomas, we got together a few days ago and slept together. I wasn't expecting this since he had just broken up with his girlfriend a few short weeks ago but it happened. I love Thomas and have for a while. I'm not as infatuated with him anymore but there are definitely still lingering feelings. I'm not sure what it means for us, but we've both expressed that we don't want this to stand between our friendship. I'm honestly really tired and don't want to pursue it at this time. I've slept with quite a few people out of insecurity, desire and pain. I'm trying to be cognizant of what I actually want and need during this season of my life and I can wholeheartedly say that a relationship is not one of those things.
All of these things have left me feeling dazed and confused. My last few months have been a blur of fun energetic times and really low points of numbness. Through all of it I've been thinking of my goals, which my main one is to graduate and move out. I don't really know. If anyone has any thoughts or questions please share. I hope y'all are doing well, sending hugs and an empathetic heart..
It's been an incredibly long time since I've posted at all but I know that this is a safe place. Over the last few months I've had some really heavy family drama and some remerging feelings regarding my parents divorce. I've begun finalizing some of my plans to move in with my bestfriend when I turn 18, Thomas and I have had some key moments and I've begun going through my adoption case file again.
In my case file so far, I've found out lots but my biological father doesn't think I'm his. This didn't really make me feel like anything when I first read it but later on, I felt an insurmountable feeling of displacement. I haven't felt like anywhere has been home for me in a while unless I have snuck out to spend the night at my best friend's house. I'm kind of just trying to sit with this new knowledge and notice my emotions regarding this topic. As far as my other family drama, I didn't give myself time to feel my emotions when I first got news of my parents divorce two years ago. I was understanding and tried to feign strength for my family. But when my mom's partner and her split it felt like a second divorce and every emotion I hadn't dealt with came flooding to my mind. I haven't been speaking to my mom for a month besides civilities. I'm not ready to talk to her and I'm working through what I feel but also comparing my feelings to crucial truths I know regarding the situation.
As far as Thomas, we got together a few days ago and slept together. I wasn't expecting this since he had just broken up with his girlfriend a few short weeks ago but it happened. I love Thomas and have for a while. I'm not as infatuated with him anymore but there are definitely still lingering feelings. I'm not sure what it means for us, but we've both expressed that we don't want this to stand between our friendship. I'm honestly really tired and don't want to pursue it at this time. I've slept with quite a few people out of insecurity, desire and pain. I'm trying to be cognizant of what I actually want and need during this season of my life and I can wholeheartedly say that a relationship is not one of those things.
All of these things have left me feeling dazed and confused. My last few months have been a blur of fun energetic times and really low points of numbness. Through all of it I've been thinking of my goals, which my main one is to graduate and move out. I don't really know. If anyone has any thoughts or questions please share. I hope y'all are doing well, sending hugs and an empathetic heart..
"But our lives will only ever always Continue to be A balancing act That has less to do with pain And more to do with beauty." -Shane Koyczan
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Comments
This sounds like so very much for you, it must be impossibly overwhelming, not only are you having to reckon with the feelings that were pushed down during the divorce, but you're also having to consider the ramifications of sleeping with Thomas upon your relationship (both friendship and being roommates). It's no wonder you're left dazed and confused (perfect phrasing of this too).
You write so insightfully about what you're going through, which only makes it easier to understand how deeply challenging these past few months have been. This is not to say that you have not had some fun and felt happiness, but when that's contrasted with a sense of emptiness at other times, it can leave you feeling very uncertain about where you stand both within your relationships and within yourself.
Coming across all this information about your biological father must have been a lot to confront and come to terms with, even if it's not shocking or doesn't make you feel any strong emotion, it's at the very least an odd thing to read about. Of course, you're also all too familiar with knowing how emotions can strike you at a completely unexpected time, so it's very important to have space for that if you can
Experiencing that breakup second-hand must have been so deeply gut-wrenching, like you said it just brings about all the immense pain that was locked away from the time of the divorce, I can't even begin to imagine the complex range of emotions running through your head right now.
I think it's especially important that you and Thomas know how valuable your friendship is and that it will always come first. This is very beautiful.
Huge hugs and glad to have you here xx
Sometimes you can read something and not feel a huge amount but then begin to process it after and become aware of the feelings that surround it (in relation to things with your biological father and for the divorce). For your biological father to feel you may not be his is a lot, and sounds like has maybe triggered feelings of displacement. For me, family is chosen, and being the same blood doesn’t mean anything but instead it’s what they have done for you and what they mean to you that is the most important thing. So if you’re close with him, try not to feel like this changes your relationship because if you want him to be, he is still your father. It sounds great that you’re sitting with the knowledge and noticing your emotions as they come up. With the divorce, it’s okay not to have given yourself time to feel your emotions back then, because it sounds like you’re giving yourself time now. It’s a lot all at once so try to be gentle with yourself.
With regards to Thomas, it sounds like a very mature decision for you both to not let it affect your friendship and to focus on yourself and what you want. Adding a relationship into the mix is not always a good idea and it doesn’t have to mean anything as such, you were intimate with someone you have feelings for, it’s totally natural and it’s okay! I think as long as you continue to communicate and speak your truth.
Your goals of graduating and moving out sound very exciting! What have you been studying?
Take care and you got this @mk1881
Hey it's been a while,
I'm doing alright for the most part. I took a trip to the psych ward a few weeks ago but I got on new meds and they're helping quite a bit. I'm trying to enjoy the Summer and then start back strong for the new school year.
It's wonderful to hear that the medication is helping, you are deserving of receiving some relief and support. Finding what works can be a really exhausting battle, so I am pleased to see that this is becoming more manageable for you. It seems like you're setting some nice next steps for yourself. Summer can be a really wonderful time of the year, I hope you manage to enjoy what you can. Whilst things are getting better, there might still be some tricky days. We will be there for you, whenever you need.
Take care.
Sounds like the meds were a solid choice for you, sometimes the relief and change they can provide us with is really transcendent, especially when so many exhausting things are happening externally to worsen your mental health. Well done for making the right choice for yourself, it's not always an easy thing to do and I'm very proud of you for it!
Fingers crossed the summer will be something fun and happy for you - have you got any plans at the moment?