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Social Anxiety Getting In The Way Of Starting Relationships With New People
HobokenCider
Posts: 10 Settling in
Hi,
I am a college student with ADHD and Autism
I apologise if this is the wrong board to post this to and If I worded this weirdly, wording posts like this isn’t a strong point
So I’ve been suffering from feelings of loneliness for a long time even though I am surrounded by a small but incredible group of friends and supportive family members.
A few weeks ago, I decided that I was done feeling lonely and that I was going to start talking to new people to increase the small group of friends that I have and maybe, eventually, start dating someone. There was just one problem, I am very socially awkward when it comes to new people.
Then my Social Anxiety got really bad to the point that whenever I’m walking through college, I am constantly looking at the floor,
unless I am getting food from the cafeteria or talking to the Teachers, only looking up to make sure I don’t bump into anyone.
Due to the area I live in there aren’t a lot of people my age in the area that share some of the same interests as me, so the only way I could see that I could make friends is either at college or risk trying to make friends on line. Due to the increased social anxiety none of these was an option I was comfortable with which then led to a solid week of basically sleepless nights of thinking “how the heck(original word wasn’t heck) do I solve this problem” I am still yet to figure out the answer.
So basically my problem is, I have a slightly overwhelming feeling of wanting to make friends and potentially start dating but my social anxiety and my already basically non existent social skills keep getting In the way.
What do you think should I do in this situation or what would be a potentially way forward?
I am a college student with ADHD and Autism
I apologise if this is the wrong board to post this to and If I worded this weirdly, wording posts like this isn’t a strong point
So I’ve been suffering from feelings of loneliness for a long time even though I am surrounded by a small but incredible group of friends and supportive family members.
A few weeks ago, I decided that I was done feeling lonely and that I was going to start talking to new people to increase the small group of friends that I have and maybe, eventually, start dating someone. There was just one problem, I am very socially awkward when it comes to new people.
Then my Social Anxiety got really bad to the point that whenever I’m walking through college, I am constantly looking at the floor,
unless I am getting food from the cafeteria or talking to the Teachers, only looking up to make sure I don’t bump into anyone.
Due to the area I live in there aren’t a lot of people my age in the area that share some of the same interests as me, so the only way I could see that I could make friends is either at college or risk trying to make friends on line. Due to the increased social anxiety none of these was an option I was comfortable with which then led to a solid week of basically sleepless nights of thinking “how the heck(original word wasn’t heck) do I solve this problem” I am still yet to figure out the answer.
So basically my problem is, I have a slightly overwhelming feeling of wanting to make friends and potentially start dating but my social anxiety and my already basically non existent social skills keep getting In the way.
What do you think should I do in this situation or what would be a potentially way forward?
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It sounds really tough to be experiencing these feelings, which sound like they are getting in the way of things you'd hope to be doing, like making friends and dating.
Social anxiety is super common and so please don't feel alone in your experiences. I'm sure lots of us can relate.
You mention that you have a small group of incredible friends and family which is just fantastic to hear - this is a really valuable support network for you. Have you been able to speak to any of them about what you've been experiencing? I wondered how you originally met these great friends?
I definitely relate to your experiences of finding it difficult to make friends in social situations - it took me a long time at university to find 'my people'. I did make friends and meet people by biting the bullet and joining a few clubs where I could meet people with similar interests - I found that taking along one friend with me allowed me to have a comfort blanket and we could meet new people together. I'm not sure if that is something you could think about doing?
As you mention your social anxiety is getting in the way so much, it might be worth looking at getting some support with it. Have you come across Anxiety UK? They have information on social anxiety, as well as various support options including a helpline on 03444 775 774 (9:30-5:30 Monday to Friday) which is staffed by volunteers with personal experience of anxiety.
Please only share whatever you feel comfortable sharing here btw
Welcome to The Mix! It's really great to hear from you and thank you for sharing with us
Are you able to share what your symptoms are when you feel socially anxious? Do you feel socially anxious around people you know or what do you think it is about new people specifically? Meeting new people is hard, even for those who don't experience heightened levels of social anxiety, maybe down to the pressures of getting along, or wanting to act a certain way to fit with their vibe. What do you think it is for you?
I used to live in a town and whenever I go back there I get really socially anxious, I can't leave the house unless my mum is driving us out of that town to do a walk or something. Some of my best mates who I see in London/Bristol I can't even see them there. I think it's the fear of bumping into someone I haven't seen for years and making small talk, because that tends to happen and I can't do small talk.
If you're asking yourself how do you solve this problem, maybe try to compartmentalize it. So for example, write out why you want to meet new people, and then next to the reason, write what it is specifically you feel anxious about and what could go wrong. Next to that, maybe write how your anxiety is stopping you from achieving this, and then how you could overcome this, so that you feel more prepared going into it. Maybe do one for each reason why you want to meet new people, and one for friends and one for dating. How does that sound?
@HobokenCider you are amazing and anyone is priveleged to have you in their life!
Hi @Gemma, Thanks for the response, greatly appreciated.
In order to make it easier for me to answer the questions asked I’m going to number the answers in the order the questions were asked, i apologise if this is slightly irritating.
1) I haven’t got round to talking to them about it but it’s something I plan to do in the near future.
2) I Met most of my small group at Secondary School And I met one relatively recently when one of my friends brought them along to a group meet-up to watch a movie.
3) To Be Honest, There Isn’t Really A Group At College That I Could Go To To Meet New People who share my interests, but I haven’t checked in a few weeks so I’ll have a look at the board in the main hallway that displays the groups and upcoming events.
4) no I have never come across anxiety uk before, but thanks for bringing it up, I’ll take a look at it when i can
Hopefully this answers your questions in a sufficient-ish way.
Hello @RenP
Thank you for the response, appreciate it a lot.
Like I said in the other reply, in order to make it easier for me to respond to your questions, I will number the answers.
1) whenever I get socially anxious the symptoms tend to be: fear of making eye contact with anyone, overthinking basic social situations, overthinking the negative side of trying to talk to and meet new people, pretty sure there’s another one but I can’t remember it atm.
2) the social anxiety seems to be around people I don’t know well or have never met before
3) I think it’s a case of:
not wanting to weird people out by talking to them because from my perspective if someone came up to me and started trying to talk to me, it find that pretty weird. I don’t know if that’s the same for everyone though
And also trying to find the balance between fitting in enough to get along with people whilst also not trying to hard or changing my entire personality to fit in with people.
4) to be honest, im a bit skeptical about it, but I’ll give it ago and see if it helps, I’ll have to find out how to format it so it makes sense when I look back at it. But I’ll give it ago.
Thank you for the comment as well, it was unnecessary but thank you.
It sounds like, more than anything, you want social connections and a sense of belonging but without weirding people out and how you don't know how to go about this at the moment. Am I hearing this right?
It is so positive, and key, that you do not want to change yourself to fit in with other people. Sometimes this is difficult to hold onto when you just want social connection but you are really valuable and absolutely come first without needing to change. You will find your people
If you feel comfortable sharing, what do you find most challenging about making friends with people at college or online? For social anxiety skills, a good place to start might be with those around you - your friends and family. Have you considered asking them for help on this - for example, practicing conversations, maintaining eye contact etc? Or even, you could meet a new person through them - worst-case, you still have a good friend with you to talk to? The best way to get better at socialising is practice!
Just in response to something you mentioned earlier - it's true, not everyone may want to have a conversation in that point in time. But plenty will, and the only way you'll know is to initiate the conversation. If they aren't interested, that's fine - there will be other people to talk to. And if they are, then you can chat and let your personality shine through the conversation. I know that initiating conversation can be scary, but learning to take that leap of faith is a really important social skill - it becomes easier the more you do it