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Will i ever be normal after experiencing trauma? (TW SA)
dolly2000
Posts: 1 Just got here
I feel like I just need to talk about this somewhere, even if nobody is going to listen or read it. I was diagnosed with BPD when i was 19, and I feel like I will never live a normal life. I experienced a traumatic childhood from when i was only a baby and for the rest of my life, and the childhood trauma is most likely what caused me to have BPD. I dont feel comfortable going into the specifics of that trauma but I can't help but feel angry at everyone who let it happen. I am frustrated that if the people who were supposed to look out for me had done what they were supposed to I would be normal, maybe. I feel like I experience one painful event after another, and it's been that way my whole life. I was in a relationship for 2 years where I was abused and it broke me as a person, not long before that my best friend died of an overdose, something i feel like i could of prevented. I started to heal from these things and then I was SA'd, and it feels like its all come crumbling down again. Why cant I just have peace? Why does something awful always come along and ruin any progress i may of made? I feel like im doomed to be like this forever. I feel as though I will never be able to have a normal relationship as i get PTSD from the SA and the abusive relationship causes me to push everyone away. I'm not sure what my goal is with writing this but i just wanted to get it out i guess. The world feels so unfair at the moment. Will I ever live a normal life? I look at others and feel bitter because I want what they have, I know it's wrong but I cant help it. And there's people who wont leave me alone and they dont care that im struggling.
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It can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when it feels as if you're only surrounded by darkness. Pushing through only to be met by yet another obstacle, trauma or disappointment must be exhausting and draining. Remaining hopeful can be so very challenging when nothing seems to go in our favour, it makes sense that you're finding this hard. Likewise, it can be so demoralising to feel out of control of the events in your life, or to feel as if you've never been able to access the safety you deserve.
In times like these, it is so important to rely on our support networks, so I am glad to see you've been able to reach out here and are determined to keep going in the face of all that has been against you. We are by your side. I'd like to work with you to find a way for you to experience some relief or greater support. Would you be able to share if you've been able to access any support and whether you'd like to explore some options with me? I'm going to attach some resources which might be relevant for you. It'd be a great next step to have a read through these, if it feels accessible:
http://borderlinesupport.org.uk/
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/
https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/
https://www.sarsas.org.uk/
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/useful-contacts/
Take care.
Reading your post, you don't sound bitter - you sound frustrated. And who wouldn't feel that way in your situation? I would. There's nothing wrong or immoral about feeling annoyed when you've been dealt such a rough hand, and you see everyone else living easier lives.
I want to say that living a normal life is possible, but I'm not sure how helpful that is to hear. Your normal will probably look different to other people, but that doesn't mean you won't find people and a life that makes you feel safe, supported, and comfortable. I know it might not feel that way now though, and getting to a place where that seems realistic can take time. Sometimes those things can fall into place more quickly than you expect once the circumstances are right.
Who won't leave you alone? If you don't mind me asking.
PS, welcome to the community, really glad you found us.