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Where I'm at Right Now
mk1881
Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
I haven't been on the Mix for a hot second but I'm back to just give an update. There's been alot going on..
Firstly, alot of you know about my age gap previous partnership. The guy had dated one of my good friends and she found out. I knew I shouldn't have engaged with him in that way especially since she wasn't over him. But I believe you can't own a person's history. I do care about that friend, so I cut off ties with the guy for now. It was a hard conversation but we both agreed it was for the best. My guy best friend, we'll call him Thomas, is in California for three weeks. It's been hard not having him with me. But he's getting over an addiction and supporting his father as his grandpa just passed away a few days ago. I'm really proud of Thomas for stepping away from the chaos his life presents.
Thomas and I have grown a lot closer while he's been away. We call almost everyday. We even had a call that lasted 10 hours.. Yeah, we aren't doing that again because I only got two hours of sleep that day. We've learned alot about each other. And he underestimated how much I knew him; once I told him a few things I knew about him, he told me he wasn't sure he was comfortable with me knowing him that well. I have high levels of discernment. I was developing a crush on him, but through previous sessions with my therapist, I've learned that I tend to overromanticize friendships in hopes that they won't leave me.
In the past, I would let people use my body simply, because I didn't want them to leave. I've learned that I have more value than that. That I am a person not just a body. Thomas has helped me see that. I told him about my possible feelings and he appreciated my honesty. Through some further examination of my emotions I know that I do not in fact have romantic feelings for him. My love for him is protective and genuine. I can't imagine anyone hurting him without me defending him. He's not weak in any sense and he's incredibly hardworking, he doesn't need me to defend him but I will.
I got my phone taken away because of my grades. My parents asked why I wasn't putting in effort. I didn't know what to tell them but in truth it's because I'm lacking motivation. I'm only motivated by certain people including Thomas. I've had more frequent panic attacks over the past month, but I know some "coping mechanisms," to at least stay present and not dissociate. My depression has gotten a little worse but talking to my friends has helped. I've noticed that I cling to momentary happiness instead of long-term happiness. For example, I love being on the phone with my friends, even just a simple texting stream between a friend and I impacts me more than other things. I'm trying to learn that there's value in both happinesses. I can recieve my phone back once I get my grades up a little which I should finish by today. I got to talk to Thomas last night and he told me to hurry up haha. I told him I would, and he said good, I miss talking to you. This may not seem like much to others that don't know him, but he doesn't like showing that he cares because it feels like it could tie him down and that others could possibly use it against him. Him conveying that to me meant alot.
Well anyways, I've started writing a few more songs and poems, oh and working out again!! I don't know alot of days are hard with my mental health, but I'm feeling lifted and as though my life is heading upwards again. I've gotta do school work so I can earn my phone back. But thanks for listening and sorry this was so long. I had a lot to say..
Firstly, alot of you know about my age gap previous partnership. The guy had dated one of my good friends and she found out. I knew I shouldn't have engaged with him in that way especially since she wasn't over him. But I believe you can't own a person's history. I do care about that friend, so I cut off ties with the guy for now. It was a hard conversation but we both agreed it was for the best. My guy best friend, we'll call him Thomas, is in California for three weeks. It's been hard not having him with me. But he's getting over an addiction and supporting his father as his grandpa just passed away a few days ago. I'm really proud of Thomas for stepping away from the chaos his life presents.
Thomas and I have grown a lot closer while he's been away. We call almost everyday. We even had a call that lasted 10 hours.. Yeah, we aren't doing that again because I only got two hours of sleep that day. We've learned alot about each other. And he underestimated how much I knew him; once I told him a few things I knew about him, he told me he wasn't sure he was comfortable with me knowing him that well. I have high levels of discernment. I was developing a crush on him, but through previous sessions with my therapist, I've learned that I tend to overromanticize friendships in hopes that they won't leave me.
In the past, I would let people use my body simply, because I didn't want them to leave. I've learned that I have more value than that. That I am a person not just a body. Thomas has helped me see that. I told him about my possible feelings and he appreciated my honesty. Through some further examination of my emotions I know that I do not in fact have romantic feelings for him. My love for him is protective and genuine. I can't imagine anyone hurting him without me defending him. He's not weak in any sense and he's incredibly hardworking, he doesn't need me to defend him but I will.
I got my phone taken away because of my grades. My parents asked why I wasn't putting in effort. I didn't know what to tell them but in truth it's because I'm lacking motivation. I'm only motivated by certain people including Thomas. I've had more frequent panic attacks over the past month, but I know some "coping mechanisms," to at least stay present and not dissociate. My depression has gotten a little worse but talking to my friends has helped. I've noticed that I cling to momentary happiness instead of long-term happiness. For example, I love being on the phone with my friends, even just a simple texting stream between a friend and I impacts me more than other things. I'm trying to learn that there's value in both happinesses. I can recieve my phone back once I get my grades up a little which I should finish by today. I got to talk to Thomas last night and he told me to hurry up haha. I told him I would, and he said good, I miss talking to you. This may not seem like much to others that don't know him, but he doesn't like showing that he cares because it feels like it could tie him down and that others could possibly use it against him. Him conveying that to me meant alot.
Well anyways, I've started writing a few more songs and poems, oh and working out again!! I don't know alot of days are hard with my mental health, but I'm feeling lifted and as though my life is heading upwards again. I've gotta do school work so I can earn my phone back. But thanks for listening and sorry this was so long. I had a lot to say..
"But our lives will only ever always Continue to be A balancing act That has less to do with pain And more to do with beauty." -Shane Koyczan
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Comments
I’m glad you seem to have found closure with the situation with your friend and their ex partner, as you said you can’t own a person’s history.
Thomas sounds like an amazing person and I’m glad you have someone in your life like that. I’m also glad you have someone such as a therapist who you can talk to and can provide support for navigating your relationships, through investigating your emotions, thoughts and feelings. It can be so helpful and insightful to have someone like that, especially during hard times and difficult situations. You can learn so much about yourself.
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling with your mental health at the moment, it can be so difficult, but it’s great that you have a support network to help you through and that you are equipped with coping mechanisms. You seem very self aware and able to reach out for support when necessary. Do you think there has been anything that can caused or triggered your recent struggles?
I love that you have started to write a few more songs and poems. If you feel comfortable enough to share them, it would be beautiful to see them!
Keep us updated! Take care,
Fiona. ❤️
Your relationship with Thomas sounds really lovely, that you can both be really honest with each other, and show your vulnerability, even if the conversation is uncomfortable. It sounds like you have gained a lot of insight into yourself through doing therapy. I had a best friend who I almost clung to when I was dealing with heartbreak. Our relationship is too long to go into, but I convinced myself that I was in love with him, when really, I just didn't want him to leave, and this stemmed from my abandonment issues. I feel like sometimes it can be easy to romanticise or convince yourself of this when you have suffered loss of any sort, but to cherish your relationship for what it is is so important. You both sound lucky to have one another
Like fiona333 said, your optimism really shines through. You speak of getting your phone taken away because of your grades, then continue to say you can receive it back once you get your grades up which you should finish today. You speak of your panic attacks, then continue to say you know some 'coping mechanisms' that help (you are right, by the way, trying to stay in the present is really important because it is the real here and now). You speak of your depression getting a little worse, then continue to say talking to your friends has helped. This is really inspiring and big ups to yourself for seeing the positive/finding what helps you out of each situation.
Could I ask you what you mean by the term 'long-term happiness'? Happiness is just an emotion remember, so it may be fleeting, comes and goes, so it's not possible for someone to be consistently happy forever. I would say, the more times you experience momentary happiness, the better you will feel generally, so if you cling onto that then that is absolutely okay.
It's so great to hear you feel like your life is headed upwards again, it sounds like you know what helps you and you are looking after your mind and body. You don't ever need to apologise for writing a lot, we are all here to read it!
Take care