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Finding Relationships Within Ones Self
mk1881
Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
For a really long time I was obsessed with the idea of romance and of simply having a partner. I was eager for the chase of a partner and loved being able to call a person "my own." I've dated a few people and my longest relationship was nine ish months. But I'm learning that I'm more in love with the idea of someone, not the actual person themselves. It's hard trying to find relationships knowing that about myself. I've recently started talking to this guy and I'm pansexual with a preference towards women, so liking a guy is a big deal for me. But I think I really do. We've given each other lots of space and time to ourselves. Which has been great and truly needed on my end. I'm learning to love myself, be okaying with being alone with myself and seeing myself as a person "worthy of love." It is hard, but I put everyone else higher than myself and think that if I can put others on such a high pedestool, I should be able to do that with myself.
And while I would love to say I feel this way all the time, I don't. Sometimes I wake up and wonder if I should even go out of my room, damaging other people with my simple presence. The way my body looks, the way I talk, my thought processes. And sometimes, I think that if I'm not with a partner that I have no purpose. That without someone else loving me romantically I am nothing. When it gets to this point I just listen to music and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I don't really know.
I know it's important to love oneself before you love another person. I believe you can't love another without some sense of self worth/love. But honestly, where do I even begin loving myself when I don't feel worthy of it all the time? That question isn't meant to self-depreciate. It's just a genuine thought. Does anyone else feel like this?
And while I would love to say I feel this way all the time, I don't. Sometimes I wake up and wonder if I should even go out of my room, damaging other people with my simple presence. The way my body looks, the way I talk, my thought processes. And sometimes, I think that if I'm not with a partner that I have no purpose. That without someone else loving me romantically I am nothing. When it gets to this point I just listen to music and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I don't really know.
I know it's important to love oneself before you love another person. I believe you can't love another without some sense of self worth/love. But honestly, where do I even begin loving myself when I don't feel worthy of it all the time? That question isn't meant to self-depreciate. It's just a genuine thought. Does anyone else feel like this?
"But our lives will only ever always Continue to be A balancing act That has less to do with pain And more to do with beauty." -Shane Koyczan
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Comments
The concept of self-love is indeed difficult, and a lot of people haven't achieved this yet, including myself, so you're definitely not alone in feeling this way. Self-love is a journey, full of ups and downs, and possibly with no final destination. There's not exactly a right way nor time to start, as we grow up, we learn more about ourselves, so we can see what we need.
I hear that you feel like you're nothing when someone doesn't love you. That is not true at all, you are your own unique and wonderful person - no relationship is needed to prove that. Aside from romantic relationships, what are your hobbies? What makes you smile and what makes you sad? What do you believe in? Getting to know yourself may be a great starting point to love your identity, as well as accepting your imperfections.
In addition to this, it may help to stop putting others on high pedestals. Though difficult, even if these people show what you consider desirable traits, they aren't better nor worse than you, they are just different. Through this, it can help you to stop comparing yourself to others.
I hope this somehow helps and I'm wishing the best for you
I'm really glad to hear that you've got some clarity about how you've been feeling ^^ and playing the guitar is such an awesome hobby!! I definitely want to learn it one day. Do you mainly play acoustic or electric guitar? I play piano myself, so I completely understand the satisfaction you feel whenever you play music
You're definitely right in saying that there's no easy way to stop putting people on pedestals - this habit may bother us on some days, and it may not in other days. But thank you so much for making an effort to keep it in mind - it's a small but important step to achieving the mindset that you want ^-^
Wishing you the best of luck with your self-love journey
I think it accurately depicts that when you show yourself unconditional love and respect, you open the opportunity for others to love you in the same way.
@fiona333, I don't know why I've never come across this quote but I defintely should've. I love quotes and poetry but wow.. And the way you explained it, I will hold dear to my heart. Thank you for sharing that little nugget of wisdom. It means more than you know. I believe this quote to be true but we also treat others how we believe we don't deserve to be treated for varying reasons. Like the way a person gives their all and more for others, but for themselves that could never be. I think that inbetween those self-imposed lines of hypocrisy is where true self-love lies.
Thank you both, wishing you both the best of luck on this adventure entitled "life."
It's really impressive that you play acoustic guitar! It's one of my goals to play a song I love on the guitar. I tried to play it at one point, but my hands are too small so I found stretching difficult XD but I know I'll definitely get better with a lot of practice! I'd like to make some time for it again. Declan is such a nice name as well! My piano's called Maha
And thank you so so much, we'll get through this journey together, I know we will
This is a post I resonate with on a lot of levels. I do think this isn't always a reflection on us personally but a reflection on how society has made us feel. How people use terms such as 'my other half' when describing a partner, like we are incomplete/not whole without them. How Disney movies have indoctrinated us by having us believe having that happy ending with someone is the goal - which I guess supports your belief of how you are more in love with the idea of someone rather than the actual person themselves.
I do believe this is why self love is so hard to achieve. I am someone that is such an advocate for self-love, but still there are times I look in the mirror and dislike myself. It's an ongoing journey that some people go through life never having looked at. I feel it is something so hard to accomplish but so easy to slip out of, so once you do love yourself unconditionally, that's not to say you always will, just take those times and appreciate them when they come up. You saying you regard people higher than yourself, I see this sometimes where I give others advice that I don't give myself, and I punish myself for little things when with others I would tell them to be patient with themselves. Why do you feel you put people on a pedestool?
You say when you get to this point you just listen to music and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I think this is really positive, because you know what to do to help yourself, and I guess when it doesn't, you need to find something else that does. You sound committed to want to help yourself which is a huge step in self-love. Some things that helped me:
- write your name in the middle of a mind map and just seeing what comes up when you think of yourself/your interests - I only did this with positive things but even if you were to write negative things this may give you more insight into yourself and things you could change
- writing out a list of your life goals (if you have any) to get you excited for the future
- writing out positive affirmations that you say every day
- masturbation - to know that you do not need anyone else, and also very connecting to your body
- a work book titled 'you are incredible just as you are' by emily coxhead
- listing out 20 things you love about yourself
- take yourself out on a date once a week - be it a drink, a walk, a meal, an activity
- mindfulness activities to focus on the present
How do you feel about attempting one or more of these?
Your relationship with this guy sounds really healthy, and knowing your boundaries and what works for you is also a form of self-love.
You are worthy of love and you are incredible just as you are!
And thank you so much for the encouragement ^^ I'll be sure not to worry too much about the chords and just focus on the sound itself! My sister is really good at electric guitar, and she actually started out the same way as you, she didn't play barre chords at all, but as she continued to practise, she can now finally reach them (but she rarely plays them hahah), and she's a lot better than she was before. Perseverance truly is important - I really hope to get to their level as well as your level of guitar one day
If you're thinking of picking up piano again, one thing that really helps me is practising the left and right hands separately first, and then once you're confident, try practising with them together. I think this is a good way to deal with hand coordination, which is extremely tricky to master as a piano player. And another thing that has helped me is to play the notes slowly at first, and then once you're hitting the right ones, you can start to play it up to the speed of the song! ^^ Piano can be so challenging and scary, but once you finish playing a song, your hard work was all worth it!
Thank you for your response. I love the way you pointed out the way Disney movies have shaped our view of relationships and happy endings as a society. I believe that's where even sublimital messages are sent. I definetly relate to giving other people advice I wouldn't allow for myself. I don't exactly understand why I put others on such a high pedestal. I think it might come from a place of wanting to treat others how I wish to be treated, but I genuinely believe that every person is beautiful and worthy of love. I've done a few of those exercises in the past and alot of them help I had just forgotten about doing some of them. But I will journal some of these helpful tips and be doing them in the future thank you!!