Meaningless

Roooobin · September 2022

I am a university student. I am feeling very distressed and helpless. I don't have the expectation for the future at all. And I have no goals or dreams. I can't find any motivation right now to keep myself going as usual. I think that everything I am doing now is meaningless.

I have completely lost interest in socializing and feel very scared. I am afraid to talk to strangers. Once I have any difficulties, I tend to solve them by myself. This made me more distressed. When I enter public places, my heart rate increases, and I feel breathless and insecure. I don't have many friends and I never talk to anyone about my worries. I was afraid of intimacy and kept my distance from almost everyone, including relatives. I never shared anything that was going on in my life with my family, even though they all cared about me. The more I felt that they loved me, the more ashamed I was. Because I am a very incompetent person with no strengths. I was not able to respond to the expectations they had about me. I always thought that they would live better without me. In order not to let them down, I did everything they want me to do. I should have felt content because I received much support. But I still feel pain. I hate myself for this. All my peers have clear plans for the future but I can't find anything I can fight for. I feel hopeless and anxious when I think of a future where I have to live like this every day for no reason. Eating and sleeping had become daily tasks for me. I always eat once a day because I have body anxiety. I felt that my existence was meaningless. Even if one day I suddenly disappeared, it would have no effect on the world. I have had suicidal thoughts and have self-harmed. I thought about seeking professional help, but I could not overcome my fear of communication because I am not a local speaker. And I was ashamed of myself. Because there are many people in this world who suffer more than I do, and I have experienced far less frustration than they have. So I don't think I have the right to feel pain. Maybe I'm not sick at all and I'm just making excuses for my incompetence. I have no idea what to do. I am trying to seek help online. But the helpline and text message support still makes me stressed. I don't know wherever I can get help. And I am not sure if I should go to the hospital.

Teh_Gerbil · September 2022

You are suffering with low self esteem, and severe depression, as well as anxiety and panic attacks. I understand it's very intimidating, but I'd recommend at least seeking some sort of therapy or help, if you feel able to manage it. It's incredibly hard to get through, just know you're worth a lot more than you think. Each one of us is, hard as it is to believe, and people love and care about you. You're not alone, and these feelings aren't correct. I understand some of them myself! The fact other people may suffer, be that more or less, or differently, doesn't take away from your own suffering. Try to seek some help. Here's hoping for you.

Laura_tigger82 · September 2022

You have been really brave in reaching out to us @Roooobin. I can see @Teh_Gerbil has already responded to you with some comforting words and lived experience.

It sounds like you are feeling very distressed, helpless and scared at the moment. Were there any triggers, in particular, for these thoughts and feelings? We are here for you if you would like to share a little more with us.

You have also mentioned suicidal thoughts and self-harm, if you would like any further support with this, some resources that might be able to help you include:

You can go to your nearest a & e or call 999 (24/7) if you feel unsafe or have any concerns about your health and safety.
The Mix's Crisis Messenger (24/7) - You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis
Samaritans (24/7) - You can call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm-midnight) - You can call 0800 068 41 41 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org

Sending you hugs. Please feel free to keep us in the loop with how you are doing, we are all here for you

AislingDM · September 2022

I can't even begin to imagine how exhausted, overwhelmed and helpless you are feeling right now, @Roooobin

To have so much weight and pressure bearing down on you sounds immensely distressing, it's no wonder that you're left feeling terrified and deeply panicked by each of your emotions.

Keeping your feelings a secret from those around you is truly an understandable state because 1) you can never truly know how a person is going to react 2) being completely vulnerable with other people means that you cannot hide any longer, and I think that can make the pain you are in even more real, like you have to confront it now.

Given how long these devastating emotions have been plaguing you for, it's no wonder you've been left with suicidal thoughts and having self-harmed (for which, Laura has shared some extremely important supportive resources). It sounds like you have really low thoughts about yourself, like you do not believe you have any value to add to the world or others' lives. Whilst I can understand where these thoughts come from, it seems to me that your family do care about you, and they would only care about someone who shows them compassion and love, which I know you do even though you are scared.

I know there is a whole lot of pressure going on for you right now, and I thought it might be helpful if we try to figure out what is causing you the most pain at the moment, and take small steps from there?

Also, I just wanted to ask a bit more about you not being a local speaker, does this mean English is your second-language? If so, we could try to look for some supportive resources that may be better-suited you/ that use your mother tongue

Meaningless

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