Borderline meltdown

Millicento_ · September 2022

I really can't do this anymore.
I can't even accept my own feelings to say them out loud to my therapist.
I can't cope now.
It hurts. Idk what to do.
Distract myself sure, but I'm fed up of cleaning so I don't do that recently.
I try. But the day is too long for the things I could do. It pushes me down then into a hole of misery and pain and loss.
Even if I rang someone up to just talk, I have got next to nothings to talk about.
I don't want to be here anymore.

Just need to dissapear,nobody will know any different anyway!!

Amy22 · September 2022

I hear you @Millicento_ and I understand how you must be feeling right now. It sounds like you have been struggling with your emotions lately and that they have been overwhelming you. I can imagine how overwhelming it must be. It also sounds like you have been struggling to accept certain emotions you have been dealing with. It can be hard at first accepting these emotions but I don't know if this would help, but have you thought about writing some of your thoughts down and possibly what emotions you are feeling?. Sometimes it can be hard to talk to someone about how we feel, but if we write it down sometimes it can be a release and it is easier to understand what emotions we might be going through. I hope you are feeling okay,

Sending hugs,

Amy22

NataschaAnn · September 2022

Hey, so I won't bullshit you, being at this place in life is shit. But that is something you need to remember, it is just one point in your life, just one; as much as it might be feeling like this doesn't have an end date, it does. There is a day where things get better, and unfortunately for us, there is no borderline stalkerish fairy godmother that can wave a wand and get us to stop feeling like shit, we have to take that small first step ourselves. Yes some people may have the support of others also, but at the end of the day, it's us that have to trudge out of the mud, and you CAN do it, you freaking can.

What Amy said is a good idea, when my thoughts turned self-deprecating and too overwhelming to even think about to myself, I actually began writing letters to a made up person. I didn't have anyone in my life that I could talk about my feelings to, and even if I did, I wouldn't have wanted to. But these letters genuinely helped ALOT, I managed to start understanding some of my feelings and even though my mood improvements were small, I began to notice them when I'd read a letter I wrote a few months back and be annoyed by the language and blame I put on myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not where I want to be yet, and by god it is not a linear path, there are days I feel worse than the last and felt like I was regressing so what was the point in trying to be happier, but I started to get that I was always going to have days where I feel like I'm moving backwards, thats normal, so I just took those days as they came and didn't overthink it, and in the grand scheme of things, I was getting better. And you saying you have nothing to talk about, by god do I feel you there. I had no reason for how I was feeling, no 'excuse', and I didn't even understand what I was feeling for the first few weeks to even put anything on paper, but even if you're feeling nothing, WRITE IT DOWN, just rant on the page about how its frustrating you don't understand what's wrong or what to do.

I don't know if this resonates with you, but I also felt like everyone you see on TV that goes through their 'getting better' stage clings on to a hobby or passion they have and focuses on that to feel happy again; well, to me that was bullshit, as I literally have no passions or hobbies, so it just made me feel like I wasn't worthy enough to feel better. But you know what, I AM WORTHY ENOUGH, AND SO THE FUCK ARE YOU! What worked for me is I forced myself to do something, whether it was organising the kitchen, cooking dinner or reading a book, I made myself do something to feel like I wasn't wasting my day, as usually I'd just lay in bed till 4pm and then conclude that it was too late to do anything now anyway. Start small, find one thing that makes you feel less shit (like reading, or watching a show you like, or decorating your space) and factor that into your day. The one person you can always rely on is yourself, so don't change your entire life in one night, small steps will be more than enough; and think about writing those letters, it didn't help me at first and there was even a point I was going to stop, but I forced myself, one short letter each day, and if I skipped a day that was okay, but I still had to fill that fake friend in on what happened that day.

Keep us updated, because we are here for you.

Laura_tigger82 · September 2022

Hello @Millicento_. You have been really brave in posting this. I can sense how much courage it took to open up about this.

Would you like to tell us more about what you are currently experiencing? As @Amy22 and @NataschaAnn have highlighted, we are here for you if you would like to share more with us.

I can hear how it is particularly challenging for you at the moment, especially with not being able to accept your feelings, talk about your feelings or cope.

What sorts of things tend to help you when you are struggling? I recognise that different things work best for different people.

If you would like to access some further support, these resources might be helpful:

You can go to your nearest a&e or call 999 (24/7) if you feel unsafe or have any concerns about your health and safety
The Mix's Crisis Messenger (24/7) - You can text THEMIX to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis
Samaritans (24/7) - You can call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm - midnight) - You can call 0800 068 41 41 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org

Please also feel free to keep us updated on how you are doing. We are all here for you

Borderline meltdown

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