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Post edited by Aife on
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Thanks for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out. You have been really courageous in identifying and naming how you feel.
I am really sorry to hear that the breakup with your boyfriend came at the same time as the decline in your mental health. That must be really tough for you. Breakups are difficult at the best of times but especially so when you are already struggling with your mental health.
I hear that you think the breakup is your fault. However, breakups happen for many reasons other than self-blame. Sometimes people are not compatible, sometimes the timing is not right, sometimes broader situations surrounding the relationship are not appropriate and sometimes it is because you deserve better. It is not always because you have done something wrong. Though, I appreciate it may be more difficult for you to recognise this at the moment as you are currently struggling with your mental health.
I am just wondering if you have been able to talk to anyone else about your decline in mental health? I think you are doing such a great job at putting one foot in front of the other despite how you are currently feeling. However, you could benefit from and deserve to access additional support with this.
True friends will not just cut you off because you are struggling. Instead, they will want to support you or at least know how you are doing. They care about you for who you are. They will recognise, just as we do, that you are currently experiencing a tough time. Things will get better though.
Some useful external resources include:
- Shout
- Samaritans
- Papyrus
- Anxiety UK
- Mind
Please remember we are also always here for you, listening to you, and caring about you
I know you're going through a really difficult time right now, so I think it's important to point out that during this grieving process, it's likely to affect your everyday things such as sleep and eating. I wonder if you've discussed these difficulties with your GP? They may be able to give you some support for this time, particularly when it's affecting a lot of areas of your life. I think in terms of eating, the best thing to do is make yourself something you really enjoy to eat, and slowly get yourself back into a routine of eating regularly, I know this can be really difficult, so I just want you to know we're here for you. Also, with your sleeping, is there anyway you can maybe try the half an hour trick of either going to bed half an hour earlier or waking up half an hour earlier each day, or week, whatever suits you best. Eventually, your sleeping pattern will adjust back to one that supports you and your mental health.
I'm so sorry to read about how traumatic your sleeping has been for you and how distressing it is. Trauma affects everyone differently, so please be gentle with yourself during this time. I wonder if you've been able to access any kind of therapy for these traumatic events to help your process them and find coping strategies to help you deal with these difficult emotions when they arise? Depression is also a really difficult thing to deal with, so please know that you're not alone, and we're always here for you, I know it can affect memory, concentration and struggles with motivation and being able to get out of bed. It may be a good idea to speak to your GP about how this is deteriorating for you, and maybe writing a list of all the areas of your life this is impacting, as they may be able to refer you to other important services that can help you through this time. Is there anything you love to do, or anything that will help you in terms of getting out of bed, I know I used to struggle to get out of bed too, and didn't see the point, and eventually, I had to dig deep and find something that I looked forward to, or a pet to look after etc. Of course, please don't feel too disheartened if everything seems a little dark right now, and this isn't possible for you, you're dealing with a lot right now.
This sounds like an extremely difficult time for you right now. When you get angry or have urges to self-harm do you know what the emotion behind these are, is it mainly anger or frustration or something else entirely? It's easy to give you a list of coping strategies, but if they don't match the intention behind these feelings, it's unlikely to be effective for you. Honestly, you're going through a grieving period, and you're doing the best you can right now, within your own personal circumstances.
You are worthy of love and support, and honestly, this is just a really difficult time, and things are likely to feel dark and bleak, but there's always always hope. You deserve to feel loved, because you are worthy because you're you, you matter greatly.
When these suicidal feelings come up, please do contact SHOUT (85258) or The Samaritans (116 123). These people are waiting by the phone for you to contact, you deserve support, and I want you to know you're never ever alone.
There's a lot of difficulties surrounding mental health and cultural or religious differences in how it's perceived, but just because you have urges to self-harm it doesn't make you any less worthy, or any less deserving, particularly in terms of God. I would honestly strong suggest visiting your GP, and writing all these feelings and thoughts you deal with down, as this can be really helpful, they can get you the support you deserve.
If it makes you feel any better, last year I was in the same position as you, and had been for 3-4 years, I struggled with self-harm urges, and thoughts of suicide, the urges to drink excessively or take drugs, do reckless things that I wouldn't normally do, and the best thing I did for myself (when I was ready), was go to my GP and discuss this with them. Now please, if the first GP you contact doesn't give you any support or you feel dismissed at all, you can change to another GP, and I would strongly encourage it, until you find one that is adamant to get you any support you need.
In terms of your relationship, you always will be good enough, and it's his loss at the end of the day, you deserve someone who makes you feel happy, and doesn't make you question your worth. You're one in a million Zay, and you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel that way. It's understandable that trusting other guys in the future will be difficult after this break-up, but you have so many good qualities and skills, you're caring and giving, and someone will come along and appreciate these qualities, and help you shine like you deserve. It takes time to heal and to process trust issues, so please be kind to yourself, this is very raw for you right now, and I know it can feel like nothing good will ever happen to you in this scenario, but it's not true, you deserve love and support always.
Healing takes time, so please don't rush yourself, you're doing the best you can, and I'm really thankful and proud of you for sharing this difficult time with us.
Sending you no end of love
Thanks for your response. I am really proud of you to hear that you are able to recognise some of the positive things about yourself. Thatās a great step forwards in the right direction.
Though, I want you to know that understandably does not in itself protect you from the hurt you may experience in difficult circumstances. It just means that you know you are worth more than the hurt you are currently feeling and that things will get better. I think time is the greatest healer in these sorts of situations.
You are indeed able to go to your GP despite already being involved with CAMHS. Having mental health support does not exclude you from being able to access other support through your GP. For instance, some people with depression might go to their GP for medication whilst also accessing support through CAMHS.
Please make sure you prioritise your mental health during your mock exam period. I think you will smash your mock exams but if not you know that you did your best given how you were feeling and can do even better in the final exams!
As always, we are here for you, listening to you and caring about you
That seems really frustrating! You're right everyone is unique and there's not one treatment plan that suits everyone, you've got to spend time with each individual, get to know them and together figure out what works best for you and what doesn't. That seems very dismissive, and I'm really sorry to read that this is happening to you. You know your mental health best, and they should take direction from you when it comes to your mental health treatment, so if you think therapy will help you, they should be listening to you and taking direction from you. If you can, I would maybe contact them and keep persisting with therapy if that's possible for you.
Is there anything else that you love to do, or are really interested in trying? That seems really painful, I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing today after self-harming? I understand, self-harming is very complex and it's not something that you can just quit doing cold turkey. I wonder if listening to music really loud in headphones may help distract you from these feelings? Letting yourself cry is also a really good way to get these feelings out. Another technique I was taught when I was getting supported by a mental health service was sitting with the feelings for 5 minutes before self-harming. As you continue this, you can make new goals to try and sit with these feelings a little longer each time before self-harming. This way, the goal eventually is to be able to sit with these feelings and 'ride the wave' out. Now please don't feel disheartened if you don't make it to five minutes at first, that's' okay, even 10 seconds or 5 seconds is something to celebrate.
It's normal to feel pain and grief for someone you've lost, particularly when their personality has suddenly changed to someone you don't recognise. However, it's important to be aware that his actions aren't a reflection upon you, you gave him care and love, and that shows that you're a caring, kind and loving individual with amazing qualities, and it really his loss at the end of the day. As time goes on, you'll realise that you deserved more and you're worth more than what he gave to you. You're not stupid or a fool at all, again, it just shows how loving you are as a person, and how much you deserved more.
I know it's easy to see all the negatives and the difficulties you're facing now because of this break up, but as time goes on, you'll realise that you deserved better, and that it was probably actually a good thing that he ended it, even though it's painful now, it's clear that he wasn't the right fit for you, and that it may have only lead to further hurt later on for you if it had continued. Please be as kind and gentle with yourself as you can right now, you're really doing the best you can within the circumstances you've been dealt. I believe in you, and I know you're worth more than what he's made you feel
You are more than welcome. It is the least we can do. Good luck with the meeting with your GP! It is honestly not a question of knowing what to do with you. You are a human and you deserve to be listened to, heard, supported, and validated.
Deep down, I have a feeling you know what you want and need, and together with the help of the GP, you can explore this. I have faith in your success in your mock exams! You have been working really hard for your mock exams and you deserve to see the outcomes of all your effort. Your best is always more than good enough.
You have indeed got this. I am glad you are starting to see you have got this! You just need to believe in yourself
Thanks for reaching out to us. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out.
You have been really brave in describing how you feel. I am really proud of you for continuing to make decisions that put yourself first!
You could put your phone away or tell your dad this is happening and you would rather have your other phone so you can block him?
I have a feeling you know what's right. You know what to do. You just need to go with your gut instinct!
Unfortunately, you will of course care about him because he was such a big part of you. You are a caring person so it is understandable that you will struggle to see other people hurting. It doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. I like that you set out your boundaries really clear to him! Keep looking after yourself