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A breakup
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Posts: 4 Newbie
Me and my long distance boyfriend broke up last night, I tried to make it work for months but he left me without a reply for days due to being "busy". Despite communicating about how this made me feel on several occasions, it never changed, there was always some sort of excuse for his absence.
I'm completely confused, prior to this and at the beginning of the relationship it was completely fine. He stated i was one of his priorities and it was evidently true at that time but after the first month of our relationship, things quickly changed, communication lessened, replies and conversations were very blunt and short, our plan to video-call were always cancelled. He spoke about our future, his plans to fly over to me and buy a house together, his compliments were absolutely amazing and he was always so excited to recieve a selfie from me or a voice message.
Once one month passed, I began noticing his behaviour changing. I was the one to always try to initiate conversation and to keep it going. He began to not tell me about his day or plans when I asked. As mentioned above, video calls were always cancelled, he either fell asleep (understandable) or his friends came over or he decided to go and do something with them instead. When we did call, calls were short, the max we hit was a hour before he said he needed to go to sleep or he wanted to hang out with his friends. I tried to be understanding and often shrugged it off because I didn't want to be a nag or considered "controlling" but after a while it really bothered me. We communicated and made a plan to do it once a week, he called me the next day but no others, when I attempted to call or make plans, there was always something in the way or he wouldn't pick up. As months went by, I was being left with no communication for half a day to days.
The day of the breakup he left me without a reply for over a day, when he did finally respond it was short, blunt. I decided to make my final attempt at communicating about how I felt about it, he didn't respond with much, it was one word answers. During this, he revealed that he had a flight to go back to uni so he could finish his course, this was the first time he had mentioned it and the flight was due in a week which left me so confused as to why he has only just told me about it. I expressed how it made me feel that I've only just been made aware of his arrangements, I think it bugged me more as he was becoming more secretive and distant over the months. Anyone would be a little uneasy? Right? Anyways, after I expressed how I felt the best I could, we discussed why he is so distant. His reason "my success is more important, I don't have a choice". I asked why this is how it is after reminding him of what he said at the begining of the relationship and all he said was "this is why I don't make commitments". I was angry but didn't react to the response in that way, i simply asked "then why did you choose to make one with me?", that was ignored. After talking back and forth for a bit and expressing how confused I was, he hit me with "I want to breakup. I don't want to keep torturing you.". I just agreed as it seemed like the best option for both of us, I wished him well and after a while of being left on read, he was removed from all my socials and all pics of him were deleted. Was this a mistake? Did I overreact?
I cried till my head was sore and my eyes were puffy that night, after a while I settled down and was okay till now. I didn't think it would bother me this much as i was already giving up on the relationship before it ended but I tried so hard to make it work and create alternatives to suit both of our lives and schedules. It hurt a little in the morning, I had just woken up from a dream that was about us, after checking my phone and not seeing a notification or his face on my screen, i was shattered but held it together. I was fine throughout the day, mainly because the people around me are unaware of the breakup and I don't want to seem bothered. When the evening hit, I became a little agitated with everyone but was fine, I had plans to go and take my little sister trick or treating so I got myself all dressed up, I felt absolutely amazing but when i got downstairs, she didnt want me going or taking her anymore. I flipped, I couldn't help it but tried to remain calm. I thought a bath would be a good idea, the whole pampering stuff so i got undressed and it all ready. The bath was freezing cold, I couldn't help but breakdown, fell to my knees while gripping the sink and balled my eyes out. I laid on the bathroom floor for a hour just sobbing and couldn't move. Just laid there like a huge, cold, naked and sobbing baby. I can't decide if I miss him or the idea of what we could've been. I keep asking myself if I made a mistake by not fighting a little harder for the relationship, if I was the problem or what I could've done to keep it going.
Now i'm trying to heal myself but I have exes or men that want me popping up, they only want me for my body and its evident in the way they speak to me, turn the conversation dirty or beg me to "send something". Why does the attention feel good but bad? and how do I stop myself from being vulnerable and caving to them? Sometimes my mind tells me that people will only want or like me if I sexualise myself, I don't want to think like this as I want to heal. I want to get better so I can reach my full potential and maybe, in the far future, have a long-term relationship and be settled. I also feel like I will let my mum down if she knows this relationship failed, I haven't had much luck with dating and havent had something longer than 6 months. I'm also the same age as she was when she had me. The pressure is being put on me to settle and have children, I would love to have a baby and give her grandchildren but thats out of the question right now.
I'm completely confused, prior to this and at the beginning of the relationship it was completely fine. He stated i was one of his priorities and it was evidently true at that time but after the first month of our relationship, things quickly changed, communication lessened, replies and conversations were very blunt and short, our plan to video-call were always cancelled. He spoke about our future, his plans to fly over to me and buy a house together, his compliments were absolutely amazing and he was always so excited to recieve a selfie from me or a voice message.
Once one month passed, I began noticing his behaviour changing. I was the one to always try to initiate conversation and to keep it going. He began to not tell me about his day or plans when I asked. As mentioned above, video calls were always cancelled, he either fell asleep (understandable) or his friends came over or he decided to go and do something with them instead. When we did call, calls were short, the max we hit was a hour before he said he needed to go to sleep or he wanted to hang out with his friends. I tried to be understanding and often shrugged it off because I didn't want to be a nag or considered "controlling" but after a while it really bothered me. We communicated and made a plan to do it once a week, he called me the next day but no others, when I attempted to call or make plans, there was always something in the way or he wouldn't pick up. As months went by, I was being left with no communication for half a day to days.
The day of the breakup he left me without a reply for over a day, when he did finally respond it was short, blunt. I decided to make my final attempt at communicating about how I felt about it, he didn't respond with much, it was one word answers. During this, he revealed that he had a flight to go back to uni so he could finish his course, this was the first time he had mentioned it and the flight was due in a week which left me so confused as to why he has only just told me about it. I expressed how it made me feel that I've only just been made aware of his arrangements, I think it bugged me more as he was becoming more secretive and distant over the months. Anyone would be a little uneasy? Right? Anyways, after I expressed how I felt the best I could, we discussed why he is so distant. His reason "my success is more important, I don't have a choice". I asked why this is how it is after reminding him of what he said at the begining of the relationship and all he said was "this is why I don't make commitments". I was angry but didn't react to the response in that way, i simply asked "then why did you choose to make one with me?", that was ignored. After talking back and forth for a bit and expressing how confused I was, he hit me with "I want to breakup. I don't want to keep torturing you.". I just agreed as it seemed like the best option for both of us, I wished him well and after a while of being left on read, he was removed from all my socials and all pics of him were deleted. Was this a mistake? Did I overreact?
I cried till my head was sore and my eyes were puffy that night, after a while I settled down and was okay till now. I didn't think it would bother me this much as i was already giving up on the relationship before it ended but I tried so hard to make it work and create alternatives to suit both of our lives and schedules. It hurt a little in the morning, I had just woken up from a dream that was about us, after checking my phone and not seeing a notification or his face on my screen, i was shattered but held it together. I was fine throughout the day, mainly because the people around me are unaware of the breakup and I don't want to seem bothered. When the evening hit, I became a little agitated with everyone but was fine, I had plans to go and take my little sister trick or treating so I got myself all dressed up, I felt absolutely amazing but when i got downstairs, she didnt want me going or taking her anymore. I flipped, I couldn't help it but tried to remain calm. I thought a bath would be a good idea, the whole pampering stuff so i got undressed and it all ready. The bath was freezing cold, I couldn't help but breakdown, fell to my knees while gripping the sink and balled my eyes out. I laid on the bathroom floor for a hour just sobbing and couldn't move. Just laid there like a huge, cold, naked and sobbing baby. I can't decide if I miss him or the idea of what we could've been. I keep asking myself if I made a mistake by not fighting a little harder for the relationship, if I was the problem or what I could've done to keep it going.
Now i'm trying to heal myself but I have exes or men that want me popping up, they only want me for my body and its evident in the way they speak to me, turn the conversation dirty or beg me to "send something". Why does the attention feel good but bad? and how do I stop myself from being vulnerable and caving to them? Sometimes my mind tells me that people will only want or like me if I sexualise myself, I don't want to think like this as I want to heal. I want to get better so I can reach my full potential and maybe, in the far future, have a long-term relationship and be settled. I also feel like I will let my mum down if she knows this relationship failed, I haven't had much luck with dating and havent had something longer than 6 months. I'm also the same age as she was when she had me. The pressure is being put on me to settle and have children, I would love to have a baby and give her grandchildren but thats out of the question right now.
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Comments
I guess, firstly, I want to acknowledge how sucky this is. Breakups are the worst and actually comparable to grief in the way we process them. If you think about it, you're grieving the loss of a relationship, a connection, something you're invested in, a big part of your life. And much like grief, there's no right or wrong way to deal with it. If you need to have a cry on the bathroom floor or talk to old flames who find you attractive, that's all okay - just be safe.
And that's without all the negative thoughts we tend to have while we're dealing with it (e.g. am I unlovable? did I do something wrong? was any of it real?). It's a big roller coaster to ride through, and the biggest piece of advice I'd give is let yourself feel it all. Sit with your emotions and allow yourself time to feel sad, time to recover and time to think.
Personally, I subscribe to the belief that there's no such thing as emotionally overreacting. We tend to feel the way we do for legitimate reasons, and if you needed to block him and delete reminders of him in that moment, there's nothing wrong with that at all. When my first serious relationship ended, we kept chatting for a while but eventually I realised I couldn't process it all without distance. So I did exactly this - removed them from socials and deleted pictures.
When you're feeling rejected, it's super normal for this kind of attention to feel good. It might feel shallow and objectifying, but also validating and empowering when people find you attractive. Some people talk to old flames and random people as a form of rebounding, which is completely okay and sometimes part of that grieving process. Only thing there I guess is to make sure you're doing it safely and make sure they know that's all it is for you.
But if you did want to not cave to them, as you said, then I'd recommend asking yourself what need that would be meeting. Can you have that need met in other ways? If it's validation, for example, then could you find that validation from others? Maybe talking to friends or being creative?
I realise this is a long post, but I also want to highlight what you said here:
For what it's worth, it sounds like you were starting to check out of this relationship before he broke it off. Obviously that doesn't mean you wanted the breakup to happen or that this feels any less painful, but it might mean you would have gotten there yourself sooner or later. I had this with my first serious relationship - it hurt a lot in the moment but I later realised I would have ended it if they hadn't, so it was sort of what I wanted deep down anyways.
Anyway, I realise this has turned into an essay so I won't say anything else! Really glad you found The Mix and that you're chatting here - you're doing the right thing to ask for some support.
How have you been since you posted?