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Always being known as "his girlfriend"

WillowWillow Posts: 25 Boards Initiate
So something always given me a lot of anxiety and has made me feel really depressed and uncomfortable.

I have always been seen as "his girlfriend", if you get what I mean. This is with every relationship I been in. Whenever I hung out with my boyfriends mates I always been sat in the corner twiddling my thumbs because I don't know what there talking about cause it be something that happened before we got to together, or they talk about people I don't know who they are or it be an inside joke I won't get. I sit nervously laughing along cause I don't want to appear weird I guess. And no one taken the time to ask my questions or even gives a shit that I am there. I don't feel included, if anything makes me more depressed just cause I don't have any friends other than my boyfriend.

I try to interact but just constantly feel like I am hitting a brick wall with people cause they generally don't care.

I have a event happening on Saturday where I be meeting some of his and his sisters mates for the first time and I just feel so uncomfortable going but I am gunna have to go cause I can't stay at my boyfriends place while he goes cause he will have to go.

What should I do or how do I cope with it. It gunna be hours!!! It's not like I don't want to meet them I just know for always being in this situation that I am just not gunna matter to them being there and that I just be sat quietly in the corner wondering why I am so lonely.
lovemimoonLorryTruckAnnieDPAislingDM

Comments

  • OliOli Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hey, @Willow :) Thank you for opening up about your struggles, that is really brave of you.

    I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know firsthand how horrible it can be when you feel left out and excluded from a group. Especially when you make an effort to interact, but it feels like nobody is interested or listening to you.

    Have you mentioned to your boyfriend how it makes you feel when this happens?

    I can understand how this upcoming event on Saturday is making you uncomfortable. But if I may give you a bit of reassurance — remember that sometimes in life, the best moments lay just outside our comfort zone. Hopefully, his and his sister's friends will be really welcoming and friendly :)
    Azziman
  • WillowWillow Posts: 25 Boards Initiate
    Hello oli,

    Thanks for responding. I did mention to my boyfriend and kind of specifically say that I know i end up sitting in the corner. He said he will try and get me included but I been to enough events to know to not get my hopes up, cause I know ow he's not seen his mates for a while so you know he be busy catching up. I guess I already feel sort of excluded from his family. Guaranteed I only met them a few times and so a "bond" doesn't happen over night but like for example his sister keeps like referring to me as "you" which makes me feel really excluded kind of get the impression she doesn't like me.

    I am just really worried I'm going to be sat in a corner and get really depressed to the point I go the bathroom and start crying cause I feel so uncomfortable. Also worried my hayfever going to flair up and I be a complete mess.

    Like I have to go but to me it's too many people to be around that I don't really know.
    lovemimoon
  • OliOli Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hey, @Willow. I'm really sorry to hear that. Being referred to as "you" must feel very excluding.

    I completely understand how you are feeling about Saturday. It can be incredibly nerve-wracking to meet a new group of people. Try your best to stay confident. Hopefully, they will be a super nice bunch of people and very welcoming towards you. You might even walk away from the event with some new friends that you stay in touch with :)
  • WillowWillow Posts: 25 Boards Initiate
    Thanks Oli for your positive message,

    Unfortunately I just can't see it going that way. I am a very unlikeable person as I don't have any friends of my own, everyone seems to just leave or get fed up of my mental health. I am also not a very outgoing person. I used to be but since losing all my friends over the past decade has really made it difficult to want to engage with people who clearly don't want anything to do with me.
    lovemimoon
  • OliOli Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hi, @Willow. I hope you're doing okay.

    I can empathise very heavily with how you must be feeling right now. I have been through very similar things myself.

    As hard as it might be, please try not to take your friends becoming distant as a personal reflection on yourself. From speaking to you on this thread, you seem like a very friendly and likeable individual :) Instead, it might just be that your friends are perhaps a little uncomfortable talking about mental health, or don't know exactly what to say.
    lovemimoon
  • AzzimanAzziman The Mix convert Posts: 1,092 Wise Owl
    Hey :) if you don't feel comfortable going, you don't have to. Plenty of people don't always hang out with their SO's friends for some reason or another. If this was the same group of friends again, you could always pass - but you mention that his sister's friends will be there and you haven't met before. I'd still encourage you to go - you may get on better with these friends instead, and there's no harm in trying x
    Oli
  • OliOli Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hey, @Willow. How are you feeling today? :)

    If you do decide to go to this event today, then I hope it goes really well for you! <3
  • WillowWillow Posts: 25 Boards Initiate
    Hello Oli and Azziman,

    Thanks for your advice.
    I unfortunately would of have to of gone if I wanted to see my boyfriend that weekend as u couldn't stay at his place while he went cause then I know he would of left stupidly early cause I be waiting at his flat. Equally I couldn't of stayed at his flat on my own for other reasons.

    So I went, it was okay but I think it just set in the thought more that I am just an insignificant being that it wouldn't of mattered if I was there or not. I ended up drinking a lot (didn't embarrass myself or anything or was drunk) just so I could relax more and my bf sister friend chatted to me. There was was lot of people there mostly family (aunts grandparents etc) and I tried to chat to people but no one asked me anything or gave a shit about me as a person. So settled in that thought of I am literally utterly alone cause no one really gives a dam about my existence. Everyone got each other and then there's just me.

    I think going made it more clear to me that I will never fit in anyway, cause its too late for me to become apart of anyones group, and that I will just be this add on. My partner was really good to me the whole time, he made sure I was okay and we both didn't realise how many people were going to be there (there was a lot).

    I guess I feel more alone now than I did before.
    OliAzziman
  • OliOli Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hey, @Willow :)

    First of all, well done for going. That must have taken a lot of courage, so you should be proud of yourself for that!

    You mentioned that your boyfriend's sister's friend chatted with you, that's good! Were they nice?

    I'm sorry to hear though that a lot of the family at the event didn't come and chat with you. Perhaps they were a bit nervous and didn't know what to say because they don't know you too well yet. Hopefully, with the more events you go to, that will improve and they'll become more friendly and chatty with you!

    That's really good to hear that your boyfriend was supportive with you and made sure you were okay.

    Please don't ever feel like you are alone, or that you'll never become a part of anyone's group; that's not true! You're a part of The Mix group for one, and we all love having you here! <3

    Azziman
  • WillowWillow Posts: 25 Boards Initiate
    Thanks for your messages Oli.

    I first want to address that I don't expect people to actually engage with me. I am not some kind of attention seeker I was merely just trying to point out the conversations I was having were one sided. It was me taking an interest in that person life and it not reciprocating back, not that I expected it to as I don't see why anyone would want to know me.

    His sister and her friend are nice but again it seems very one sided and I can easily head down the route of it really doesn't matter if I existed or not.

    My partner very supportive but sometimes I don't think he realises or will ever understand how it feels to be entirely alone as he's got friends he can go and chat to whereas I spend my time solely by myself and have to sit and watch everyone around me have other people on there lives it's completely soul destroying. I will always feel alone because I don't ever see me having other friends other than my partner. I am too late to be apart of a group.

    I was added to a group chat a few days after but until I send anything in it it will always come up as a message request and no one seems to notice me not "engaging" I guess so don't feel involved. There all hanging out this weekend and I am not invited yet I was added to this chat so feel more left out. Ican't make it anyway but would of been nice to have been somewhat acknowledged to it which is another reason why I not said anything in it. (There's a bit more too it but finding it hard to explain at the moment).

    I find making friends really hard I feel like I am in an endless cycle. I do my hardest to try and get people to like me to would literally do anything to try get people to like me, can be stupid things like dying my hair or moving house, changing jobs, I do anything just so I don't feel alone but doesn't matter what I do I will always be unlikeable in this world which is really hard fact to accept.




    Oli
  • AzzimanAzziman The Mix convert Posts: 1,092 Wise Owl
    Just my two cents on this, but it does worry me that you say you will always feel alone - it's a very black/white judgment on the future (which is uncertain!) that can actually become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's never too late to be a part of a group - people move in and out of groups throughout their entire lives, from a nursery to a care home. Of course, you might not feel that you always fit in, but that happens often as we gel better with some people and dynamics better than others. The best option we can give ourselves is giving those friendships and groups a chance - what harm is there? Worst-case, it's not a great match, you learn a bit more about what you're looking for, and your move on.

    For the group chat, I've seen this situation before from the other perspective so this might help. A new person was added to our group, but they didn't say anything at first. Some people thought they were just shy, perhaps they didn't like our group, or maybe they'd muted the chat because they found us annoying (in reality, this person was feeling anxious because they didn't know anyone). It's possible that the group you've been added to is waiting for you to introduce yourself and engage so that they know you want to be involved with them. I can only comment on what you've said, but I'm aware that you said there's more to it so maybe I'm wrong here. But I think it's best that you introduce yourself to the others here x

    Finding good friends is hard - it's why some of us spend our entire lives looking for them, and why we feel so lucky when we finally find them! Finding that first friend or group is the hardest because you've got nothing to go from. But once you find them, you'll meet their friends when you visit or go out, and branch out from there. Or, you can meet people through support networks, interest groups, volunteering etc. I know how hard it is, I've been there. But you've also got your entire life to find these friends you seek. It's never too late to find friends - the first thing you have to do is be open to the idea that it might happen. That little bit of hope opens that door for you x
    Oli
  • OliOli Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hey, @Willow. I hope you're doing okay? :)

    I can completely relate to how you're feeling about being lonely and thinking it's too late to find friends. I am 24 right now and don't have many friends. But what @Azziman said is so true — it's never too late to find friends. People move in and out of groups and friendships for their entire lives. And hopefully one day (could be when you're 25, or when you're 45), you will find that group and/or friend that you really click with and it will be amazing <3
  • WillowWillow Posts: 25 Boards Initiate
    Hi @Azziman and @Oli.

    I agree with you azziman i have a black and white outlook on the world. It is something that I decided to keep to thinking recently as I am fed up of always being let down, mistreated and hurt by people. And I don't want to try and fix and see a positive outlook on the future again only to have it completely ripped away from me.

    I don't mind giving friendship groups a chance I just don't want to get my hopes up that I will actually be apart of the group. I was at university for 4 years and was apart of a group only to find out after my ex broke up with me that I really wasn't a friend to any of those people. Which made me completely alone, so I am trying to be cautious because this group chat are all of my boyfriends friends, there not going to ever be also my friend.

    As with the group chat I do see where you are coming from however I then see that as they don't care whether or not I exist to them. I have a really bad anxiety disorder and I could never send a message to begin with that would somewhat try and get me involved cause I don't want to annoy or bother or ruin the flow of the chat. I also dont enjoy forced situations where I have to push myself in a group for them to think I want to be apart of it. I would much rather be in a group where people want me there and cause they know I'm new and shy or have anxiety they try and get me involved cause to me that shows they would like me to be there. I don't like to actively push myself onto people just cause I am his girlfriend. My boyfriend who is very understanding knows I don't do will with big crowds of people I don't know. So he said he will try and introduce me one by one instead so that if we do all meet up it won't be so overwhelming. I think he is also going to get me involved in the chat as and when an opportunity arises. But I feel so uncomfortable saying anything when so far it is clear I am just added cause I'm his girlfriend.

    While I appreciate both of you saying I got my entire life to find friends, I don't want to feel alone for the next 30 or 40 years until I find a friend and then I be too old to do anything. I don't think my mind would cope with that very well, already struggling as I am nearly half way through my 20s and I don't feel like I done anything exciting or adventerous that everyone else has already done and I am worried its going to be too late.
    Oli
  • AzzimanAzziman The Mix convert Posts: 1,092 Wise Owl
    edited August 2
    I can understand that - sorry to hear about your past experiences. It's never nice to be treated like that. Having said that, I wouldn't let those past experiences frame how you see future friendships. There are plenty of people who won't treat you well, but there are also plenty that will, and we have to give them that chance. Otherwise, we can push away the best people in our lives through no fault of their own. I know it's hard - it asks you to be vulnerable and open that that possibility that this doesn't work out. But give it a chance - you may enjoy their company, and that's the basis for friendship right there!

    From how you discuss this, it does sound like you don't consider yourself part of the group. I'd imagine that if you were annoying them or pushing your way in, they would tell you or your boyfriend about it. I can empathise with how you feel here, but this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - by seeing yourself as not part of the group, you don't allow yourself to get to know others and actually integrate with the group, which then reinforces your viewpoint. You don't have to be a core integral member - every group has its inner circle - but you can still be a part of the group. But if you've invited out with them and added to a group chat, I think they do consider you part of the group. You have to be open to the possibility that they consider you part of their group, and that they do care, even if it's uncomfortable. Put it this way - if you're open to that possibility, there's a chance that you can make friends and find good company, no matter how small the chance is; if you're not open to it, that's a definite 0%. Based on the fact that your boyfriend is willing to introduce you to his friends one by one in preparation for a future meetup, it sounds like the rest of the group have no issue with you, and that he's open to the possibility that the group cares about you and considers you of them. You don't have to just be his girlfriend, but also their friends too :)

    No one wants to feel alone, and that's exactly why being open to friendship is important. You aren't alone in how you feel, and it's very likely that you will meet others that feel the same way that you do. It's being vulnerable and open to friendships that we can connect with others like this, and find the company we seek x
    Oli
  • OliOli Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hey, @Willow. I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds like we have quite a few parallels in our lives. I was also at university for 4 years and after graduating I realised that I never really 'fitted in' and wasn't part of any friendship groups.

    Whilst I can appreciate that it's by no means an easy thing to do, it's really important (as @Azziman has said) to try your best to not let previous friendships/relationships ruin potential future ones. Hopefully, the friendships you will form in the future will be the best friendships you've ever had. But unfortunately, you'll never know that unless you open yourself up to said new friendships. Apologises for the cliché, but it's the classic 'you miss 100% of the shots you don't take'.

    As for the group chat, I can completely empathise with how you are feeling. It's a horrible feeling when you think you are bothering or annoying people. But it honestly does sound like they want you there, and they want you to be part of their friendship group. And @Azziman is spot on about the self-fulfilling prophecy. That is something I am often guilty of myself. But it's really important you try your best to see yourself as part of the friendship group and put yourself out there by introducing yourself. It's great that your boyfriend is understanding of your needs and is going to introduce you one at a time to everyone. That sounds like a fantastic opportunity to get to know everyone in the group better and connect with everyone on a one-to-one basis.
    Willow wrote: »
    While I appreciate both of you saying I got my entire life to find friends, I don't want to feel alone for the next 30 or 40 years until I find a friend and then I be too old to do anything. I don't think my mind would cope with that very well, already struggling as I am nearly half way through my 20s and I don't feel like I done anything exciting or adventerous that everyone else has already done and I am worried its going to be too late.

    Again, I can completely relate to how you are feeling there. I'm in the exact same boat myself. But if it helps, what I'm doing is trying to consistently remind myself that whilst other people might be having lots of fun and doing adventurous things with their friends right now and I'm not, that's totally okay. Because everyone lives life at their own pace. Everyone is on their own journey, and you should try not to compare yourself with other people, even if they are the same age as you. And of course, it's important to remember that people's online/social media presence is often an exaggeration of all the 'good bits' and by no means a true reflection of most people's actual lives.
  • maryam852maryam852 Posts: 75 Budding Regular
    @Willow Hi Willow, thank you so much for reaching out, it must have been a hard thing to do. I think it is important to remember than you are not alone in this and that there are people who are struggling with the same dilemma. This seems to be recurring and this doesn't seem to affect you positively so I think it may be worth talking to your partner about it and perhaps understanding why you feel this way. I think it may be a good idea to refer to The Mix's page on sex and relationships, would you like me to send a link to that? You are certainly brave for reaching out and talking about something that is really unspoken about! I hope you can solve this dilemma and please remember that you are your own person not 'the girlfriend'.
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