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Damaged goods?

AnnahahahhAnnahahahh Posts: 1 Literally just got here

Hello

I am 22 years old and am scared no one will ever love me.

When I was 16 years old my mother told me to get married to someone I didn't like and I did not want to as I had a boyfriend and wanted to go to university. I remember being in my final year at college and having to hide the fact that I was applying to go to university from my own mum. She continued to talk about me getting married to this older man even though I said I did not want to.

When I was 17 I remember wanting to run away but instead went to my boyfriend. I thought I would be safe with him and wanted him to know about my situation. I was so upset I cried most of that night and it ended up with him sexually assaulting me and then later raping me.

At first, I couldn't believe what had happened and was confused about it. I eventually managed to tell the police but it was never taken seriously. I was told by the officer taking my statement that it sounds like I wanted it. To make things worse my mum told me that I deserved it and that no one was going to want to be with me now.

I never had any support and it was horrible for me to deal with it alone. My way of coping with what had happened to me was to meet random men and have sex. I sometimes don't know why I did that. I didn't do this for long and my life eventually got better and I started to feel like I was normal.

Until recently, in August I was sexually assaulted. I originally ignored it but I couldn't do it for long this time and my thoughts and memories are becoming confusing and I feel like I am going mad sometimes as I see and feel bits and pieces from both incidents but can not remember certain details.

The worse thing about this recent incident is I have become scared of people touching me. Sometimes being around people just annoys/irritates me.

I am so scared I might never ever be able to experience being in a loving relationship and If I do how do I tell that person what I have been through.

lovemimoon

Comments

  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 848 Part of The Mix Family
    Hello @Annahahahh, welcome to the boards :smile:

    Firstly, I am so sorry to hear of your experiences and the way that you have been treated thereafter. Nobody ever deserves to go through something like that, and the response is just heartbreaking.

    I want you to know that I am so very proud of you for speaking out about it here. This is a safe space where your experiences will be responded with compassion, support and empowerment. Anything that people said to you, your mum and the police, is simply not true. You did not deserve or want any of this at all. This was NOT your fault. The only thing that you deserve in this situation is love, care and support :heart:

    I'm wondering, have you received any support since August? I understand the police weren't helpful before, and so this could certainly make it tricky to speak out. However, there are people that are trained to support people with experiences like this.

    The NHS list some helpful support services here. They may be able to help you with coping with the thoughts, building your confidence and self-esteem, and eventually supporting you in having conversations about your experiences with a future partner. You are so worthy of love. You are not alone :heart:
  • HannahHannah Posts: 31 Boards Initiate
    Hey,

    First of all I am so sorry to hear about what you have gone through, this must have been a terrible experience for you and I can't imagine what that put you through :( It is understandable that you feel uncomfortable around other people in this way, after everything you have been through. I am sorry that so far you have not received the help, support and love that you deserve, but you must know that you are very deserving of these things! Of course you are! You are lovable, and your past experiences do not make you any less deserving. It is so brave of you to share your thoughts in this way and you should be so proud of yourself for doing so.

    Best wishes always <3
  • ben2607ben2607 Posts: 8 Confirmed not a robot
    Hey , it’s horrific what you’ve unfortunately experienced and the way you described not being able to be comfortable with others around you is a natural response to what was a violation of your right to say no and emotional trauma . Coming from a survivor of rape myself , there is a journey we travel on and in that time processing emotions will lead us to develop relationships in the future and intimacy will slowly feel like you are in control and you deserve to be happy with trust and trust alone. Firstly , the person doesn’t need to know if that’s not something you’re comfortable saying : just the fact they respect you saying this isn’t the right time should be enough and indicate a natural flourishing relationship. Feelings that follow trauma are temporary and never last , I’ve seen the NHS being recommended by another user and I’d like to add from personal experience, they showed me love , care and a genuine sense that I was in control of my emotions and myself when I most needed it . Have a look at the Survivors trust they’re a great gateway and point of call when you and your alone decide you may want to speak about your emotions with somebody who can support you !
  • lovemimoonlovemimoon 🦋 Posts: 827 Part of The Mix Family
    edited April 17
    Hey. <3

    First off, I'm sorry you went through such a horrific experience. I agree with @ben2607 - there's a journey where we process our emotions which will eventually lead us to better positions in our lives, develop stronger relationships and much more! =)

    As someone who's been through a similar situation, I can relate a lot to what you're saying. To have someone you've put your trust in go out of their way to hurt you in such a manner is extremely distressing. And this is a huge understatement.

    What your mum said is completely untrue - You don't deserve any of this. At all. The idea of someone not wanting you just because you went through a horrific experience is completely twisted. There are going to be people out there that will care and support you regardless of what you've been through (The Mix family is an example!) cos you are much more than 'damaged goods.' You're a courageous, amazing person that continues to strive! <3
    In terms of the police officer, that was extremely insensitive for him to say that. And stupid. At the end of the day, you said no. You didn't consent to this. There is no 'reading between the lines' bullcrap, no 'buts' or 'ifs'.

    Relationships are a hurdle. You'll meet people. Some may come and go, some may stay. Sometimes it'll work, sometimes it's quite the opposite. You'll be in a loving relationship, there's no doubt in that. <3 It may not happen in a way that you'd expect but hey. :3 If you want to disclose your past experiences to your partner then take it slow. Take your time. Tell them when you feel comfortable doing so. It's not easy opening about this so don't feel like you're in a rush doing so. <3<3

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