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My messy family life
Skye
Posts: 103 The Mix Convert
Okay so this is going to my first actual post and I'll like to start with my friends and family.
The family and friends part of my life is quite messy.
It's a curse to feel everything too deeply because then you understand everyone but no one understands you. There are times when I feel like Ocean and everyone I know likes to swim in the swallow water. They are afraid of the deapth, afraid of what they might find in the dark.
On the surface I've got many friends but none of them understand me, the real me. They don't understand my need to slip away in solitude when things get hard. They don't understand why destruction and chaos and darkness feels like home. They don't understand my insecurities. They only want to accept my light. I cannot show them my darkness. I cannot be real with them. I need to filter my thoughts and think twice before I speak because how ever they are I don't want to lose them.
My parents are emotionally abusive. They constantly fight and argue over nothing. In my life on 16 years never have they ever told me they love me but they haven't failed to constantly remind how much of a burden I'm to them and how I have always created problems. They are proud of my sister but ashamed of me. There's so much to say about my family but I'll probably say it in my next posts because talking about all these brings back a lot of bad momeries and I'm right now I'm not emotionally stable to go through it all.
The family and friends part of my life is quite messy.
It's a curse to feel everything too deeply because then you understand everyone but no one understands you. There are times when I feel like Ocean and everyone I know likes to swim in the swallow water. They are afraid of the deapth, afraid of what they might find in the dark.
On the surface I've got many friends but none of them understand me, the real me. They don't understand my need to slip away in solitude when things get hard. They don't understand why destruction and chaos and darkness feels like home. They don't understand my insecurities. They only want to accept my light. I cannot show them my darkness. I cannot be real with them. I need to filter my thoughts and think twice before I speak because how ever they are I don't want to lose them.
My parents are emotionally abusive. They constantly fight and argue over nothing. In my life on 16 years never have they ever told me they love me but they haven't failed to constantly remind how much of a burden I'm to them and how I have always created problems. They are proud of my sister but ashamed of me. There's so much to say about my family but I'll probably say it in my next posts because talking about all these brings back a lot of bad momeries and I'm right now I'm not emotionally stable to go through it all.
Won't you come over and watch the stars with me?
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Comments
Firstly, I wanted to say a massive well done for making your first post. It's not always easy to talk about how we are feeling and the things that are going on for us. You did a really great job and explained everything so well. I am so very proud of you!
I want you to know that you can be your whole self here and we will always accept you for exactly who you are. The light and the dark. Your darkness is nothing at all to be ashamed of and we are right here to support you through it.
It must feel heavy having to filter your thoughts from your friends. I'm wondering, is there anything you like to do to release your hidden thoughts? For example, I like to journal.
Thank you for being open and honest about your family life - sending so much love your way
Take good care
Thank you so much for the beautiful reply
I'm trying to be myself but at this point I'm not even sure who I am. I'm not ashamed of my darkness more like I'm scared of it. Scared to show it others. Scared to even see it myself.
I tried writing where I don't have to filter anything out but ended up just staring at paper for hours. I don't know how to let it out. I'm used to bottle up things.
But the thing is I'm trying and I'm here for a reason so yeah let's see how it goes.
Take care of yourself too ❤️❤️
I have come to a point where I constantly feel guilty without even knowing why. Do you perhaps feel the same way. It is as if I am never good enough. The standard of who I am suppose to be is just to high.
@Christiaan I do feel guilty but I know the reason why I feel this way. There are lots of fault that I did in the family and still am doing which had led it to how it is now. I'm super confused most of the time because I don't know what the consequences of my actions will be and end up doing the wrong things. There are stuffs I haven't mentioned, stuffs I'm not comfortable sharing yet but I'm guilty too. If they are not the best parents then I'm not the best daughter too.
Isn't it weird that many cliches are actually true. Like the fact that we hurt the people we love the most. I am very fortunate to have great parents. Both my mum and dad are really cool. (I don't tell them that and they regularly irritate the $#! out of me.) Yet they are the people I hurt the most.