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I have no control of my life

Anch0r33Anch0r33 Obnoxiously Large AnchorSomewhere in the sea 🌊Community Champion Posts: 1,188 Wise Owl
I'm going to be totally honest here, it might get a little messy, but I guess that's what your mind does to you when it's 2:34am and you can't sleep. Please don't read unless you're in an okayish state of mind. 

I'm totally lost with literally everything. 

My mum is a hoarder, has depression and OCD. I haven't lived with her since I was 14. I don't have any happy memories living with her. The house was in such a bad state that social services removed me and said they didn't even want my mum living there. 

We didn't get along as it was, maybe being forced into sharing a bed with her until I was 14 didn't help. My room was totally inaccessible. Mountains of useless shit just thrown into my room. Literally floor to ceiling, piled. 

The windows were never opened, the curtains haven't been opened in about 12 years. 

We had small animals and this attracted flies. They got smelly quickly. And if my mum was depressed or off her tablets I had to try and work out how to clean them out alone. 

Sometimes she physically abused me if we got in an argument. She was very temperamental in that way. I learned to hit her back. Sometimes this stopped her, sometimes it made it worse. 

I had no rules, no bedtime, no nothing. Which sounds fantastic but kids need discipline and so many hours of sleep. I'd stay up until I wanted to go to bed and then I'd clamber my way up the stairs, through the small path of clutter to my mum's room. I'd climb over her while she read or slept and get into bed. 

There was no food in the house. We lived 5 minutes away from my grandparents so we ate there, but if we couldn't get up for whatever reason I'd just have to go without food. 

I wasn't the easiest child, but I never had any proper rules or consequences. I was bullied badly at school, all my primary school classmates hated me. At least it felt like it at the time. Looking back I'm not sure, but I know I did struggle. A lot of the time I refused to go to school. My mum was a single mum and I am an only child. This meant she'd have to go to work and I'd stay home alone, which would be fine if the house wasn't a fire trap. 

I got into a cycle of not going to school, which still affects me to this day with uni, 8/9/10 years later. I've worked hard to break the cycle. I'm still working on it. 

I talked to childline from the age of 8. It took me until I was 13/14 to fully open up and learn that it was wrong. They supported me and talked me through my options. One of which was contacting social services. I got a lot of help before getting the courage to do it. 

The next day they came into my school. I was pulled out of class. I don't remember a lot of traumatic events because my brains blocked them out but I remember this day clearly. 

The one teacher I trusted with everything ended up passing away suddenly. 

I got removed from my mum who was forced into either giving me up to my grandparents or foster care. I was 14 and they never gave me an option. My mum chose my grandparents and social work pretty much dumped me there, sent a social worker round once and then left it. They never gave my grandparents kinship care money and years later I found out it was never official as it was a "family arrangement". Essentially they'd forced my mum into a decision then classed it a family arrangement to avoid having to pay kinship care money. 

Not only did that throw me into a spiral, it also meant I didn't qualify for additional support when applying for unis etc and that my care status could be questioned by my uni. I'm so lucky my uni classes me as care experienced because I genuinely don't know what I'd do otherwise. 

I've never had any proper stability and I'm so worried I'm going to end up just like my mum. 

I'm trying my absolute hardest to get myself up for uni, I have no self belief in myself in general so when one of the Russell group unis sent me two unconditional offers (that didn't know of my care experience and simply went by grades) I was shocked. Honestly I still am to this day. 

I was kicked off my psychotherapist because I missed an appointment then missed the letter follow up. I'm on the waiting list with the uni psychological services but who knows how long that will be now with the coronavirus situation. 

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going on feeling like I am. It's a constant uncertainty of literally everything I do. I'm trying to keep a relationship with my mum but I just get so mad at her. She's trying to change but it's hard to forgive her. 

I've been to 6 different schools, moved between them 7 different times, I've lived in 9 different homes as well as having a few overnight emergency placement type situations. 

I'm now finally in a good place but old habits, memories and just everything I've went through are coming back to haunt me. 

I attended 3 lectures for each of my classes this semester so literally 9 lectures since January. I was affected by the strikes and coronavirus but that's just an excuse. There were so many other lectures I could've been to. I got all my work in on time but I didn't bother my arse with non graded or non registered classes/work. I hate it, I hate that I can't break the cycle, and then when I'm finally ready to do something about it everything goes into lockdown. 

I'm just so frustrated at the world and I don't know how to express myself, my feelings or anything. 

I guess I just want a little advice, some experiences from others who've been where I am, or just general happy comments. 

If you've read this far, I really appreciate it. Btw in case you're wondering the time now. It's 3:10am. 

PS I'm also being investigated for a potential heart condition so yeah everything is out of my control, stressful and I'm trying to control little things but nothing seems to be working for me. 


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Jade09

Comments

  • JordanJordan Moderator Posts: 344 The Mix Regular
    This was a very emotive post and it’s good that you are able to work through your experience and how you feel like that @Anch0r33 it shows some really great maturity and emotional intelligence to navigate everything like this. 

    You said you have little self belief in yourself. These feelings can be hard to overcome so I’ll offer you some words of encouragement, which might help you understand why you should believe in yourself :) Despite everything you described in this post about you moving schools frequently, moving houses, having a tough childhood you *still* managed to excel and get into university. And not just any university but a Russel group university. That by itself is an amazing achievement, but the fact you probably had to work harder to get where you are right now than most people have to is a credit to how resilient you are. 

    You mention how you missed a lot of school and how it effects you now, but you also mention how you are working to break that influence/cycle. You mention how you are still working it. Progress isn’t linear, sometimes we will do amazing one day and the next fall slightly back. It’s normal to take a step forward and two back sometimes. As long as you are aware of what you have to work on, and you feel you are working on it, then you are doing great. It sounds like you are working on breaking the cycle described which is great. 

    In regards to missing uni lectures, I went through something slightly similar. In my 2nd year of university I fell into a depressive slump. I missed nearly all my lectures and handed in work late. The way I got through it, especially in the run up for dams, was to make sure I still managed to get the work done. It was hard, and I relied a lot on encouragement and support from my professors, but I caught up on those lectures I missed by doing the required readings or going over the lecture slides or classmates notes. 

    The lectures you are worrying about missing are in the past. However, you can still work to catch up on those if that’s what you want to do. Focus on what you have the energy to change rather than what you don’t have the energy to change. For example, you can’t get a time machine to get to those lectures, but you can read over the slides or readings and make sure you are just as prepared as a student who attended those lectures. 

    Is your university switching to online classes now?

    Let us know how you are getting on :)

    I'm a community moderator. I represent The Mix on the discussion boards and I'm here to help guide discussions, make sure everything is within guidelines, and take care of the housekeeping. I can't send or receive private messages, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with any questions or concerns and the team will get back to you.

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    Anch0r33
  • Anch0r33Anch0r33 Obnoxiously Large Anchor Somewhere in the sea 🌊Community Champion Posts: 1,188 Wise Owl
    Jordan said:
    This was a very emotive post and it’s good that you are able to work through your experience and how you feel like that @Anch0r33 it shows some really great maturity and emotional intelligence to navigate everything like this. 

    You said you have little self belief in yourself. These feelings can be hard to overcome so I’ll offer you some words of encouragement, which might help you understand why you should believe in yourself :) Despite everything you described in this post about you moving schools frequently, moving houses, having a tough childhood you *still* managed to excel and get into university. And not just any university but a Russel group university. That by itself is an amazing achievement, but the fact you probably had to work harder to get where you are right now than most people have to is a credit to how resilient you are. 

    You mention how you missed a lot of school and how it effects you now, but you also mention how you are working to break that influence/cycle. You mention how you are still working it. Progress isn’t linear, sometimes we will do amazing one day and the next fall slightly back. It’s normal to take a step forward and two back sometimes. As long as you are aware of what you have to work on, and you feel you are working on it, then you are doing great. It sounds like you are working on breaking the cycle described which is great. 

    In regards to missing uni lectures, I went through something slightly similar. In my 2nd year of university I fell into a depressive slump. I missed nearly all my lectures and handed in work late. The way I got through it, especially in the run up for dams, was to make sure I still managed to get the work done. It was hard, and I relied a lot on encouragement and support from my professors, but I caught up on those lectures I missed by doing the required readings or going over the lecture slides or classmates notes. 

    The lectures you are worrying about missing are in the past. However, you can still work to catch up on those if that’s what you want to do. Focus on what you have the energy to change rather than what you don’t have the energy to change. For example, you can’t get a time machine to get to those lectures, but you can read over the slides or readings and make sure you are just as prepared as a student who attended those lectures. 

    Is your university switching to online classes now?

    Let us know how you are getting on :)

    Honestly this was so helpful and insightful. It was a tough post to write but I'm glad I did. It's nice to get things out there that be been bothering me for a while and building up inside me. 

    Thank you for this, my late night stuff tends to get deep, and I'm an English lit student so if I'm lucky words just flow. 

    The biggest thing about missing so much is I haven't kept up with the reading. It's a novel a week so it's so so easy to lose track and fall off the lines and not manage to catch up. It's hard, but that's what they expect of us. 

    Yeah we've moved to online schooling but our exams have been cancelled and 1st years have automatically progressed into 2nd year, which is good for me. I'm not going to complain, I also can't say I don't think I deserve to be there because I somehow always pull off exams. I know I can't rely on this but I have for my whole life so it's another cycle I gotta break. Part of me says I would've somehow passed anyway but not in a cocky way, I literally have no self belief and I don't know how things work out in my favour like they do sometimes. 

    I'm doing better since moving in with my boyfriend. It's hard seeing my family. My dad has decided to get in touch with me for the first proper time in years and he knows nothing about the situation. It's just so awkward with my whole family. 

    With this break I'm going to work on catching up with a few things, so we'll see what happens. 
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  • JordanJordan Moderator Posts: 344 The Mix Regular
    I am glad what I said has been of some help and you were able to get some things off your chest. 

    University right now is really tough what with the ongoing situation. I’m guessing you have automatically passed this year? It sounds like you already plan on using this break to catch up on work and other things which is great. It sounds like you’ve already got a plan!


    I'm a community moderator. I represent The Mix on the discussion boards and I'm here to help guide discussions, make sure everything is within guidelines, and take care of the housekeeping. I can't send or receive private messages, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with any questions or concerns and the team will get back to you.

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