I Did a Horrible Thing and Need Some Advice

I'm going to try and keep it brief, I slept with my ex-boyfriends brother.

I was head over heels in love with my ex and he broke things off with me out of the blue and with no reasonable explaination about two days after I went from home from uni. I've been so angry and upset and extremely depressed since it happened, I've been at my lowest for a long time.

I went back to visit one of my friends about a month after this happened, my ex was away so I wouldn't have to see him, but I did see his friends and his brother when I was out.

I don't remember what happened properly, I was very drunk, but I remember trying to kiss him and him pushing me off, but him then messaging me that he'd come over later.

We started talking about why my ex had dumped me and he was saying that he had no idea and that he was stupid to have broken up with me bc I was perfect and I asked if he fancied me and I'm pretty sure he said yes. One thing led to another and I slept with him.

I don't really understand my motivations behind it, I think it was partially for revenge, to try and do something to make him feel as hurt and wronged as I do (which is horrible, I know) and partially because I just liked the fact the someone wanted me and made me feel worth something again.

I just want some advice on how to go forward. Should I tell my ex and ruin any chance of us getting back together, because I do want to get back together with him, or should I talk to his brother and try and figure out what there is between us?

My problem is, I feel like I should feel so much guiltier than I do, or regret doing it. But I don't, what kind of person does this make me?

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Comments

Past User

should probably just be honest with your ex about it and why you did it. It's preferrable to him finding out from his brother and it becoming a worse situation from there.

Former Member

Hey @raychealle_ray

Thanks for sharing this - hopefully talking about it will help you better understand how you're feeling and what you should do as a result.

It sounds like you were really hurting and wanted to make him hurt in the way you were? I've heard this is quite a common reason people cheat as they feel neglected and want to hurt the partner whilst getting some attention. Obviously you weren't together so it wasn't cheating but because it was his brother perhaps the same motives applied?

I would say that honesty is always the best policy. Things like this always come out in the end and although you don't feel guilty now, if you don't deal with the situation effectively you may regret it later on. I can understand your hesitation as you want to get back with him but a relationship should be founded on honesty so regardless, I think that telling him would be the best thing to do.

Also, please remember that doing a bad thing doesn't make you a bad person. We all act out of impulse sometimes and although it will inevitably hurt your ex to hear about this, you're not any 'kind of person', you're just a human who acted out of hurt.

Good luck

Azziman

Hey

I think you should first talk about whether you'll get back together or not. If not, there's no need for him to knowx

Much love

Former Member

Hi @raychealle_ray

This is a tough one! I just wanted to echo what Alice said - these thing's happen and it doesn't make you a bad person. You can't change it now so try not to worry too much about that.

I do agree that I think if you want to get back with your ex and think that it's a possibility then it is probably best to be honest. It's not going to be a nice conversation to have but it would be 10 times worse if it comes out later down the line.

Have you spoken to your ex at all since your break up?

Former Member

@Past User
Briefly, he wanted to stay friends so we chatted online for about a week, but I found it too hard to talk to him when things were so different so I had to cut him out. Every time we spoke it's ended up in an argument, or one of us getting angry at the other because things couldn't be like they were. When we broke up he did ask me to wait for him until September when I get back to uni, but I said that wasn't fair of him to ask me. But other than when I had to get a few things that I left at his house back I haven't spoken to him at all.

Former Member

hey @Past User,

Do not think that you did smth horrible....you did what you did cause of some reasons and it's not really important now. The thing is for you to really understand what you feel about it and that can be quite complicated and take some time. Don't push yourself, just give you some time to think over ( it doesn't mean that you need to be preoccupied all the time about this story vice versa, just try to distract yourself and solution wil come up to you, I'm sure)
When it's complicated for me to undestand how I feel, I usually write all my thoughts, it's really helpful and I advice you to try it...It will give you some relief. Just answer some questions like "Am I ashames of what I did or I'm just scared that it will destroy my possible reunion?", "did I enjoy it?", " Do I want to have smth with my ex's brother?" and whatever you reply do not be ashamed or smth else. You wrote that possibly you need to come to that guy and ask what's between you...but do you know what do you feel about him? Can you answer your question by yourself without his opinion? Cause his opinion doesn't change your feelengs (whatever they are) about it, right?) Do not speed up, you know majority of stupid things people do fast

You can listen to a lot of advices but it's very personal issue, it's not an advice how to buy a flat, it's about only your feelings and emotions, so the only person you can ask for advice is you , just listen to your heart

I hope you'll feel much better soon

Former Member

Hey @Past User

Just checking in to ask how you are feeling about all of this now?

Former Member

Hey @Past User

Sounds like a tricky situation. Hope you are feeling a little better now though.

I think moving forward it might be helpful wondering if it was the other way round, would you want to know and from who? It might be good to address it with his brother to see where you guys stand.

And about the type of person it makes you. It doesn't make you any kind of person. There's no rule book that defines us as a person.