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Got an boyfriend and I don't know what to do.

davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 752 Incredible Poster
Hey all,

Yesterday I ask an friend if he wanted an relationship with me and he accepted me and I'm now here, no idea what to do, I'm 17 years old and he's nearly 16 years old, I've never had an relationship and he has recently came out of the closest (only to his friends, not this parents). He also told me thing that don't need to know ( for example, giving an straight freinds an h******) 

We are both socially awkward and I don't understand social queue roles or people emotions really well. I just want some general advice on what to do and any experience of relationship you have and what do to. I don't plan on inviting him around my house cuz my village is quite homophobic so I just play it low key.

Any advice would be great? 
Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
Tagged:

Comments

  • Mattxb2150Mattxb2150 LondonPosts: 1 Noob
    Hey, 
    I quite literally understand what you mean tbh.

    I had the same problem a few months ago, My Boyfriend was the same, but he had not come out to anybody not even his mates so it was quite awkward. I wasn't able to talk to him while he was out with people only time i could talk to him was about 10PM at night. If he's telling you things you don't feel comfortable knowing then tell him how you feel you should not be scared to tell him how you feel. And i also understand how you feel about your social queue and etc, i have had the same problem all my life. Don't Worry yourself about it i guess if you know he's good for you then you'll stay with him don't be in a relationship if you don't have that connection.

    Don't be afraid to message back if you need more help or a chat! :).

    Matt.
    davcr0ck
  • VilJaVilJa Posts: 28 Cool Newbie
    Hello @davcr0ck ,
    Hope you're doing well  :)

    Since this is your first relationship, it is understandable that you are unsure and nervous about it. I would advice you to take it slow and do not push yourself too hard. A good place to start would be to try and have a conversation with your boyfriend about things that make you uncomfortable to hear. The general advice I'd give you is to get to know him slowly and in time you both will figure things out. The fact that you cannot be open about the relationship is sure to be a little difficult but give it some time and things will work out. It can be difficult to understand other people's emotions and it is also common to be socially awkward at this age but perhaps open communication with your boyfriend would help you resolve these issues? 

    I'm here to chat so please don't hesitate to write back  =) Hope this helps!





    davcr0ck
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 752 Incredible Poster
    hey @VilJa and @Mattxb2150

    I spoke to him about some of the things he told me at i didn't need to know, he apologizes for making me uncomfortable about what he said, we planned an date (not really more of an day out) of train spotting, which he seems really interested wanting to give it an try,

    Myself, i have been quite suicidal over the past few weeks and depressed, which he has been really supportive about and even when i've been attacked by my bullies when i was on my way home after visiting him. 

    we are both just taking everything slow, we both kind of decided against having sex in any form (im personally not ready yet) and i'm really bad at understanding his emotions, but thats just something i've probably got to work on over time.    
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
    ShaunieKasa2103
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling DurhamPosts: 323 Rampant Poster
    Hi there @davcr0ck ;

    It's great to see you reaching out for advice like this. I remember being similarly anxious about my first relationship with another girl. Since this is also your first ever relationship, it's totally understandable that you're feeling a little bit unsure about how to act.

    I think it's wonderful that you can confide in your boyfriend about things like your mental health and past sexual activity. It's so important, especially at the beginning of a relationship, to communicate openly and honestly about your expectations. Don't put any pressure on yourself to have things worked out right away- relationships are always a learning curve!

    Being with someone who isn't completely out can be challenging. Sometimes it's hard to strike the right balance between their privacy and your needs and desires for the relationship. Just remember to keep checking in with him about his comfort level. 

    Good luck!
    davcr0ck
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 752 Incredible Poster
    Hey, 
    I quite literally understand what you mean tbh.

    I had the same problem a few months ago, My Boyfriend was the same, but he had not come out to anybody not even his mates so it was quite awkward. I wasn't able to talk to him while he was out with people only time i could talk to him was about 10PM at night. If he's telling you things you don't feel comfortable knowing then tell him how you feel you should not be scared to tell him how you feel. And i also understand how you feel about your social queue and etc, i have had the same problem all my life. Don't Worry yourself about it i guess if you know he's good for you then you'll stay with him don't be in a relationship if you don't have that connection.

    Don't be afraid to message back if you need more help or a chat! :).

    Matt.
    Hey @Mattxb2150

    So we have decide on an date where we gonna meet up and go for an walk and have lunch at an tea room and then watch deadpool 2 this Saturday, i wanted so advice on the loving side of things, this meet up on Saturday, we both classing as an date, I'm not sure on the whole kissing and hugging stuff, I've never really been an fan of kissing And hugging, my parents dont even kiss me when I was younger, 

    Should I be alright with kissing and hugging him, obviously not in front of this parents. 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 752 Incredible Poster
    Also @Mattxb2150 what do you mean by "that connection" ? 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 752 Incredible Poster
    Hi there @davcr0ck ;

    It's great to see you reaching out for advice like this. I remember being similarly anxious about my first relationship with another girl. Since this is also your first ever relationship, it's totally understandable that you're feeling a little bit unsure about how to act.

    I think it's wonderful that you can confide in your boyfriend about things like your mental health and past sexual activity. It's so important, especially at the beginning of a relationship, to communicate openly and honestly about your expectations. Don't put any pressure on yourself to have things worked out right away- relationships are always a learning curve!

    Being with someone who isn't completely out can be challenging. Sometimes it's hard to strike the right balance between their privacy and your needs and desires for the relationship. Just remember to keep checking in with him about his comfort level. 

    Good luck!

    Hey @chubbydumpling

    Thanks for your advice, I prefer to be open about theitrs thing, else people just go, wtf is going on with him as? Meanwhile I'm having an anxiety attack on the floor, it so then people know when I'm not alright. Happily have any of your input on what I send to matt above. 

    Thanks all your so great 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
    ShaunieKasa2103
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling DurhamPosts: 323 Rampant Poster
    Hi @davcr0ck :)

    Since you're both classing it as a date, I think it's totally acceptable to be physically affectionate with each other if that's something you're comfortable with. Don't force yourself to be okay with hugging and kissing just because he is- it might take a little time to get used to that if you're not ordinarily openly affectionate with other people. 

    Good luck!
    davcr0ck
  • ShaunieShaunie England ๐Ÿ Posts: 6,437 The Mix Elder
    Hey @davcr0ck

    hope you enjoyed your day out today and enjoyed deadpool 2 with him. 

    Do what ever feels comfortable and am sure it will all come natural and hopefully enjoy the time. 

    Let us know how things are
    โ€œIf we could look into each otherโ€™s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and careโ€ Marvin J. Ashton
    davcr0ck
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 752 Incredible Poster
    Hey all, we had an great day today, we did an total of 15 miles today and had an amazing time watching both deadpool back to back and making dinner,

    We was sat in my room watching the movie and we both leaned on each other which at first I wasn't comfortable with and I sayed and we tryed again later I was comfortable after I overcome my anxietys, we tryed holding hands but I just had an overload so we didn't proceed 

    We next meeting up at the lgbt support group in two weeks and he brought me an gift which I've attached an picture of it below, I love it ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
    chubbydumplingcoc0macKasa2103
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 200 The Mix convert
    Hi, 

    It sounds like you had a lovely day! It seems like you made great progress overcoming some anxieties, and it is also really good that you didn't do anything you didn't want to do. It can take time to feel comfortable with physical affection and that is completely okay - do whatever you feel comfortable with. 

    Your plans to meet up at the support group sound fab. And that gift is adorable! I'm pleased to hear things went well. Take care :) 
    davcr0ck
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 752 Incredible Poster
    Hey all, 

    An new problem has arose today, my boyfriend has found think that both of his parents are homophobic, which means even though he planned on coming out to his parents this week, that probably not gonna happen. 

    He's quite obviously gay by the way he acts and other stuff that he wears (sorry about stereotypeing) and I'm not like that in anyway, I always get "wait your gay?" 

    I just wanted some advice on how to support him though this troubled time for him, but equally not out myself in danger. 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
    coc0macKasa2103
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling DurhamPosts: 323 Rampant Poster
    edited May 6
    Hi @davcr0ck

    I'm really sorry to hear that your boyfriend's parents are homophobic. I know from experience that it's disheartening being unable to share that aspect of your identity with your family. It can be hard for other people to understand that struggle. 

    It's great that you want to be there for him! You can absolutely do that without putting yourself in danger. If his home environment is toxic or violent, try to keep yourself and him busy outside of the house unless it's absolutely necessary to be there. Even if he isn't "out" to them, I can't imagine he wants to be around that kind of negativity right now. 

    While some people will seek out and rely on their friends and partners, others withdraw into themselves. It's perfectly understandable if your boyfriend is feeling a bit isolated right now, and wants a little time to himself. Make sure you let him know that he can have as much space as he wants, and that you're still around to support him. You both might find it useful to contact a helpline, if you want more in depth advice on coming out safely, counselling etc.

    Switchboard, The LGBT+ helpline is a really great resource. Everything is confidential and nothing is off limits. You can call them here: 0300 330 0630 between 10am - 10pm every day 

    Stay safe, and let us know how it goes <3
    Jordan
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 200 The Mix convert

    Hi @davcr0ck

    Thank you so much for continuing to let us know how things are going for you. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time with finding out your boyfriend's parents are homophobic - but we are here to support you.

    One thing that's really important for you both to remember is that there is no pressure/rush to come out about your sexuality; it is absolutely okay to wait until you feel comfortable and safe. It can be difficult if you think the people around you might react badly, but the important thing here is to choose a time and way to tell people that makes you feel comfortable. Perhaps he could write them a letter; that way, even if their initial reaction is negative, they do have time to read over his feelings and hopefully come to terms with it over time. Or, it might be that you could be there at the time so that he has somebody to support him. It is whatever works best for you both - but those are just a couple of ideas. 

    It's also important to remember that even if somebody does react badly, it doesn't mean it will always be that way. People's minds can change all the time; so with time, things really can get better. 

    Good luck to you both, it would be great to hear how things go. Remember, you both feeling comfortable, happy and safe will always be the most important thing! 



    chubbydumpling
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 752 Incredible Poster
    edited May 12
    Hey all

    So yesterday (11th may) I went out with my boyfriend in Oxford to topaz where we both just chilled and had an bit of an catch up, he brought along some of his friends from school, which was nice to see them, we both had an bit of an hug together as we both had an rough week,

    Then we went off into town and went shopping together, he gave me some fashion advice, as I don't have any fashion sense, had an bit of an laugh and an great time together,

    We are next gonna see each other at half term when we gonna go to the cinema and watch avengers endgame and we probably sit in one of the two person seat and hug together and I try not to fall asleep and miss the ending again ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

    Thanks @coc0mac for the coming out advice, I've screenshot it and sent it to my boyfriend, I have an feeling that he would like me to be their when he comes out of the closet, I've offered him some time at my place if he needs an break from them when coming out.

    Love ya all
    davcr0ck 
    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
    ValerialettoKasa2103
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 200 The Mix convert
    Hi @davcr0ck  :smile:
    Thank you so much for keeping us updated! It sounds like you had a really lovely time and have some great plans for the half term :smile:

    It's great to hear you passed on the advice. You sound like a very supportive partner which is really positive - I hope everything goes well whenever he does decide he is ready :heart:
    davcr0ck
  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck South Oxfordshire (homophobic Oxfordshire) Posts: 752 Incredible Poster
    Yesterday (18 may) I went round his house and we played minecraft together and then we went off to his room and sat on the sofa and cuddy and layed together, I met his dad as well which was interesting
    Me and my boyfriend was safe around his dad as we just acted as friends, 
    But his dad does seem quite homophobic but I'm hoping his mum is better than he is and will be accepting of that community with some talking about it. 

    Love ya all 
    davcr0ck 

    Love is love and everyone is accepting and can share their issues with no judge from me and I try to help 
    Kathleen07Shauniecoc0macKasa2103
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