Lenny

ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
Lenny keeps on telling me to kill myself. I've already had many many attempts. How do I carry on ignoring Lenny? He woke me up this morning saying it's got to be done today. I'm not saying I'm going to do it today and I'm safe in bed at the moment and the only thing that is stopping me is that I want to stay in bed today.
Life is'nt worth living.
AifeAidankathleen0172LaineTheAprilFooldavcr0ck
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  • AifeAife Posts: 1,743 Moderator
    edited April 28
    Hey @Sham

    It's reassuring to hear you're feeling safe at the moment. I'm sorry to hear what Lenny said to you. You're doing really well to ignore them and stay in bed to keep yourself safe. Is there anyone you can talk to about what Lenny had said? 

    If things change, is there anything else you can do to help keep yourself safe today? Perhaps someone can stay with you until you're feeling safe. You might find it helpful to have a read through this thread we have on the boards which has a list with lots of reasons to live. 

    If you're finding it difficult to say no to Lenny or if you're not feeling safe anymore, remember there are lots of places you can reach out to that are just a call or text away. I've listed a few below:
    • Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis. 
    • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
    • If you have any concerns for your health or safety call 999.

    How would you feel reaching out to one of these places for support? 

    Hope you're okay Sham <3

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    I told my cpn what Lenny has been saying. His so loud right now😭 his giving me a massive migraine😭😭
    Life is'nt worth living.
    kathleen0172Aife
  • AifeAife Posts: 1,743 Moderator
    Hey Sham,

    How are you feeling today? 

    It's really positive you felt able to reach out to your cpn about what Lenny has been saying. You mentioned before that you were looking for some advice on how to ignore him. Did she manage to give you any helpful advice? 

    Hope you're feeling okay today <3


    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    edited May 1
    Feeling very low😢 I'm in restbite for tonight (basically moved house for one night) because I have rats in my room but I feel very isolated in this house because I don't know anybody here so I don't feel comfortable sitting in the lounge because it's not 'my home' but I know if I stay in my bedroom all night Lenny is going to get louder and louder. I'm going to really struggle tonight, I want to self harm right now.

    [edited by moderator]
    Life is'nt worth living.
    kathleen0172
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    Does anyone else want to die but if you don't die would like to be looked after for a little while? I'm just thinking widely here and have no plans. Does anyone else feel like that? (I havent posted anything in detail and I've used general terms).
    Life is'nt worth living.
    TheAprilFool
  • TheAprilFoolTheAprilFool Posts: 187 The Mix convert
    Sham said:
    Does anyone else want to die but if you don't die would like to be looked after for a little while? I'm just thinking widely here and have no plans. Does anyone else feel like that? (I havent posted anything in detail and I've used general terms).
    From what you've said it really sounds like you would benefit from being around other people, even if you don't talk about how you feel and just sit in the same room as someone. Are you currently somewhere with other people?
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    Yeah I live in a shared house so I am in a house with other people.
    Life is'nt worth living.
  • TheAprilFoolTheAprilFool Posts: 187 The Mix convert
    Sham said:
    Yeah I live in a shared house so I am in a house with other people.
    It's good to know you're not alone. Do you think you could speak to one of them about what's happening, or at least hang out with them for a while?
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    I have been hanging out with them but there pissing me off. I'm going to my mums until Monday now anyway and I'm going to Mexico in just under 4 weeks and I want to go on that Holiday and I don't want to die just before I was supposed to be going on Holiday with my mum. So I'm going to try and hold in the thoughts until I come back at least evan though that is still going to be really difficult.
    Life is'nt worth living.
    kathleen0172TheAprilFool
  • TheAprilFoolTheAprilFool Posts: 187 The Mix convert
    Sham said:
    I have been hanging out with them but there pissing me off. I'm going to my mums until Monday now anyway and I'm going to Mexico in just under 4 weeks and I want to go on that Holiday and I don't want to die just before I was supposed to be going on Holiday with my mum. So I'm going to try and hold in the thoughts until I come back at least evan though that is still going to be really difficult.
    It's great that you have something to look forward to. I hope it all works out for you :)
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 [Inactive User] Posts: 1,456 Fanatical Poster
    Hey Sham <3

    How have you been feeling today? I'm guessing not great?:(

    The holiday sounds positive. Do you think it may offer you a distraction/break, at all?

    Here for you and hope things improve soon <3
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    No, I don't think it will offer me a distraction or a break because I know what I want to do after I come back.
    Life is'nt worth living.
    davcr0ckkathleen0172Valerialetto
  • ValerialettoValerialetto Posts: 48 Cool Newbie
    Hello @Sham,
    How is it going? When do you go on holidays with your mum? I really sorry you feel low, but I guess if you make plans for holidays it can make you feel at least a bit better.
    Please do not hesitate to call 999 in case if you feel that you can't overcome it alone. There are people who you can rely on and who are ready to help!
    tale care <3
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    I go on Holiday 3 weeks on Thursday but I know what I want to do when I get back.
    Life is'nt worth living.
    kathleen0172
  • CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 90 Moderator
    Hi Sham

    I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult for you. You mentioned that you spoke to your CPN about Lenny, have you been able to speak to her again?

    Aife gave you some links to some crisis support such as Samaritans and our crisis messenger-how do you feel about contacting them for support?

    We're always here for you <3
    Caroline
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    I havent spoken to my cpn again no but I am seeing her tomorrow. 
    Life is'nt worth living.
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 [Inactive User] Posts: 1,456 Fanatical Poster
    Wishing you luck with seeing your CPN tomorrow <3

    Keep us posted on how things are. I wish I could hug you and say something to help. But I hope it's at least nice to know that we care and I'm thinking of you x
    Sham
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    Thankyou. I don't know if to tell her I have plans when I come back of Holiday.

    And I don't know if to tell her things that are going on like I keep laughing because a saucepan keeps on following me around and tell her that someone else is harming me.
    Life is'nt worth living.
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 [Inactive User] Posts: 1,456 Fanatical Poster
    I think telling her might be a good idea, if you think you can be comfortable enough. It's up to you x Is there anything in particular that makes you unsure if to tell her or not?
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    Last time I told the Home treatment team that I had plans they brought a social worker and a nurse round to my home to section me because that was the doctors reccomendation but he needed a social worker to agree so that is why I am unsure if to tell my cpn.
    Life is'nt worth living.
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 [Inactive User] Posts: 1,456 Fanatical Poster
    Aw, I see :-( I can definitely hear how that would make you unsure. Do you think it may help to tell your CPN? I guess a decision like that must be hard to make, say the least <3
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    I don't know I'll see tomorrow.
    Life is'nt worth living.
    kathleen0172
  • Ed_Ed_ Posts: 81 Moderator
    Hey Sham, 

    Well done on reaching out and talking through these thoughts and feelings, it can be really hard to open up about this. How did things go with the CPN today?

    Just bumping some of the resources @Aife shared in case they are helpful:
    If you're finding it difficult to say no to Lenny or if you're not feeling safe anymore, remember there are lots of places you can reach out to that are just a call or text away. I've listed a few below:
    • Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis. 
    • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
    • If you have any concerns for your health or safety call 999.

    On top of these, Papyrus have a helpline you can call on 0800 068 41 41 and resources such as safety plan templates, HopeBooks and boxes on their website that you may find helpful. 

    As others have said, we are all here for you @Sham, at times it can feel like we don't know the way forward, however at these times, reaching out and seeking help can provide supportive guides to walk alongside you, and help lighten the load just a little :3 

    Take care,

    Ed
    “Sometimes it is the people no one can imagine anything of who do the things no one can imagine.” 
    ― Alan Turing
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    edited May 10
    Shit, she gave me a prescription but they know I won't take medication everyday because it is too hard hearing that the medication is posion so I am unable to take medication everyday. I've got to take it for 4 weeks so that then I can be put on the shot of it. I'll just pretend I'm taking it, I havent decided yet if I'm going to get the medication from the chemist at all or not, if I do get it I'll just add it to the medication I stock pill incase I do OD again (evan though I have no plans to OD).

    [edited by moderator]
    Life is'nt worth living.
    kathleen0172
  • AifeAife Posts: 1,743 Moderator
    Hey @Sham

    I'm sorry things didn't go well with your CPN. Do you know what you were hoping for when she came to see you? 

    It sounds really challenging not being able to take your medication everyday. You mentioned this is something they already know about. Have they given you any helpful advice or tips that might help you take your medication?

    If you feel you might OD again, it might help to give your medication to someone else or throw it away to keep yourself safe when you're battling those intense thoughts. 

    Keep fighting Sham you're doing really well to use this space for support. We're here to help you through this <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    edited May 13
    I'm so pissed off I've just had a row with my Grandma she asked me to talk to her so I did then she fights back saying I'm wrong ect ect ect. I walked out and called her a fucking idiot. My mum and Grandma thinks I can move past and be happy with life after being raped so I shouldnt have any thoughts of being dead. So I said them two should be raped to see you can't just move on from being raped. This has upset me and angered me. I feel relieved about being a little bit honest with them though. I think they know I want to die within the next few months.

    I went to see my cpn at my hub, I was hoping to start the depot on medication that I didnt have any side affects from but my cpn said I've got to take the medication orally for a month first.

    No they havent given me any advice or tips to help me take my medication. My cpn said would I go to a pharmacy everyday but that wouldnt make me take it anyway and I wouldnt go to a pharmacy everyday. 

    OD is the last thing I want to do I hate how it makes you feel and I wouldnt be able to take enough to die and that is my long term goal.
    Life is'nt worth living.
    Aife
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 4,415 Uber Poster
    edited May 12
    It does sound like you are really struggling :(. It is nice to see you went to your cpn and shows a really strong healthy part of you- seeking help which is great. 

    How are you now?
     
  • ItaliaItalia Posts: 68 Moderator
    edited May 13
    Hi Sham, 

    Thanks for sharing. It sounds like things are a bit rocky at the moment. Your Gran and Mum's reaction in particular can be really tough to manage. It's hard when those who care for you can't understand what you have gone through or the impact that is having on you now.    

    I just wanted to drop in an say, that when it comes to mental health there is no should or shouldn't.  It is really hard for those who have not experienced how intrusive suicidal thoughts can be to understand that you can't just make them stop. I am sorry to hear that your family don't get the impact that being raped has had on you. You are doing great just where you are at right now. 

    One of the things you do have control and a choice in is how you seek out help for what you have been through. You have been doing this beautifully. The way you use this space is great and you have been really brave being open and honest with your cpn over the past week. Even if it hasn't gone how you thought it would. The fact that your able to be open and honest about where your at is no small thing. :) 

    Remember that there are lots of places that you can go for help, both @Aife and @Ed_ have posted some great places where you can talk things through if the thoughts of ending your life get too much, and you won't be judged. Would you feel okay about trying one of these out? 

    • Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 if you are feeling in crisis. 
    • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
    • If you have any concerns for your health or safety call 999.

    Also just to echo @Shaunies question, we would love to know how your feeling now?

    Stay brave  <3
    Italia
    "Owning your story is the bravest thing you will ever do" - Brene Brown
  • ShamSham Posts: 74 Miniposter
    Am I seeing things or was my latest post edited by a moderator and now put back to what I orgianally said? I'm sure it said at the end edited by a moderator but now it dosent. Now I'm unsure if it was or wasent edited?

    Well I wouldnt call 999 because at the end of the day I am super serious about ending my life soon and you just wouldnt do that if you wanted to end your own life as professionals have said to me before and it's true.

    I could talk to Samaritans because they wouldnt tell anyone.

    Crisis messenger would probably call 999 aswell if I've done something to end my life. Simularily no-one can call 999 now because I havent done anything to end my own life yet.

    I don't know how I am feeling now I just keep thinking about the conversation me, my mum and Grandma had yesterday my Grandma said that I am selfish for wanting to end my life and she said so you'de rather be dead than sat here with us and I said yes basically so then my mum said your not going to end your own life on Holiday and I said no but I couldnt go any further because of the ideas I have for when we come back of Holiday. No, I'm not feeling okay because I'm always going to be suicidal.

    Life is'nt worth living.
    Aife
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 [Inactive User] Posts: 1,456 Fanatical Poster
    Hey @Sham

    It sounds like that conversation between you three was upsetting and exasperating <3 You're not at all selfish for wanting to end your life.
    My mum and Grandma thinks I can move past and be happy with life after being raped so I shouldnt have any thoughts of being dead.
    I'm really sorry to hear that happened :-( Would you like to talk some more about how the rape affected you?

    I hear you on how you wouldn't want to call 999. I guess if you were to truly want to end your life, you just wouldn't do that. For me, it's the same with a safety plan. I think what suicidal thoughts are like can vary - for some, it's impulsive and they're scared of acting on them, for others they might feel at the same time that they know they're not thinking clearly, and for others, it's a steady feeling of wanting to die. It sounds like it's more like the last one for you, would you say that's right?

    I'm glad you're alive Sham. You're the owner of your life, and I respect that and what you may want. I won't tell you not to think of dying. But for what it's worth, I just want to take a moment to say that you can, and will, feel better, and your life has potential. I really hope you choose not to die.

    Sending hugs <3
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