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Born and raised in a city of 8 million people - no one knows me. My rant.

khankhan LondonPosts: 5 Newbie
I turned 23 last November. Started a job recently after graduating. I've gone through nursery, primary school, secondary school, college and university.

But I don't have a single friend. There isn't a single person who knows me to any mildly reasonable degree of depth.

Not a single person I've spoke to is able to understand the effects of not being able to connect with people, for more than a decade. I don't even fully understand how it affects me, until I actually face triggers that affect my mental health. In 2018, the one person who I felt the most comfortable around (when your scale drops to -100, even 0 is a big number) I ended wanting to be in a intimate relationship with me. I declined right away; she can't deal with me, I can't deal with myself. But she insisted, and slowly, I began to depend on her. Depend on her for all the things I never could get, value, communication, care. No one would speak to me, no one would ask me how I am, no one would ever invite me to anything, no one would ever ask me to spend time with them. Home - school - home.

A few weeks into January, the shaky pillar that I had been leaning on with all my weight, in the matter of seconds broke, I fell to the ground, and that very pillar collapsed on me.

I feel like I was brought 1000ft up, from the gutter to the sky, and then thrown right back down, landing at full impact. It's morbidly difficult to get by everyday - I have no idea how I did it before. I'm becoming less and less productive at work. I'm forcing myself to be much more social, going out to events, meeting people. But it's so bloody exhausting and horrible - after each interaction, I feel disgustingly lonely.

The pain of solitude has become so engrained into me and denatured me in many ways, I find it so hard to connect with anyone. I try my best to fix my thinking, to not be so black and white. There's discomfort from every aspect of life, outside, work, home, my mind. I just really wish, I had one person. Just one person, that I was able to maintain a bond with. My relationship ended with a lot less than what I started off with. I used to have a person who I was a little comfortable around, who knew me for a few years.

I'm ever grateful to anyone who's actually made it this far - thank you so much.
Tagged:
Kathleen07purplerosielittlegemzAzziman

Comments

  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,909 Postholic
    Heya bud, I'm afraid I haven't got much to say (I'm super tired haha), just wanted to say that I read this and really sympathise, I'm sorry <3 We're listening. x
  • khankhan LondonPosts: 5 Newbie
    Heya bud, I'm afraid I haven't got much to say (I'm super tired haha), just wanted to say that I read this and really sympathise, I'm sorry <3 We're listening. x
    Thanks for taking the time to respond! Most people tend not to have much to say. I went to a support group the other day, everyone had a minute to talk about their problem, following which the other participants would give them feedback. I was the only person for who no one gave any feedback... 
    Kathleen07
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,909 Postholic
    Firstly, anytime bro :-) And that sucks...

    I can see you're obviously very alone. That can really impact people :pensive:

    You say you have a hard time connecting to people, I'm guessing that means you have trouble identifying with and forming bonds with them? And is that why you feel disgustingly lonely after those social interactions? Hope my questions aren't stupid or frustrating, just wanna understand as much as possible.

    xo


  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 7,365 The Mix Elder
    Hey

    im so sorry you’re feeling so alone. You’d be surprised at how many people feel this way too. (Not to minise your feelings but to validate them and help you feel less alone with this )I feel like I don’t connect with anyone or that anyone knows who I am & have literally no friends. Lonlieness can really hurt:(

     you said you have been trying to be more socialable by going to events and stuff - which is great. What sort of things do you go to? Do you have any interests?- sometimes going to things we are interested in- we meet alike people and feel more connected to them with having similar interests. 
    Im sorry I’m not much help but we are here for you 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • purplerosiepurplerosie Posts: 4 Newbie
    Hi 

    So my response is kind of late (I know) but I just wanted to say that I felt that. It almost sucks how I understand. Ode to the fact that I also feel disgustingly lonely.

    I have these ridiculous moments when for example I'm siting in the bus and there is an empty seat right next to me and no one seems to want to sit next to me , I all of a sudden get this anxiety of forever sitting alone or just being alone for the rest of my life. I sometimes feel really intense sadness and for some reason I just simply cannot get my tear ducts to actually do their job and let me just cry. 

    The funny thing is if you were to meet you wouldn't even realise that I deal with anxiety, depression or even loneliness. You're not alone and if you still feel like you have no one then I can at least give you these words. Totally wish that I could make you a mix tape but right now I can give you this song. Its called Youth by Daughter, I thought that even if you don't listen to the song but read the lyrics you would feel not so alone or at least feel sad enough to cry for the both of us.  :) 

    Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
    Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
    Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
    From the perfect start to the finish line.
    And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
    'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
    Setting fire to our insides for fun
    Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
    The lovers that went wrong.
    We are the reckless
    We are the wild youth
    Chasing visions of our futures
    One day we'll reveal the truth
    That one will die before he gets there.
    And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.
    'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
    We're setting fire to our insides for fun.
    Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home
    It was a flood that wrecked this home
    ... and you caused it...
    ... and you caused it...
    ... and you caused it...
    Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette
    A lifeless face that you'll soon forget
    My eyes are damp from the words you left
    Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
    Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
    And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one
    'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
    Setting fire to our insides for fun
    To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
    But I'm forever missing him.
    And you caused it


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