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Grief TW
NatalieMT
Posts: 177 Helping Hand
Grief for me started the first time he chose to involve me in a game, ‘our secret game’ he’d say, a secret just between me and him.
I felt important with this secret, he had control over me by this secret, I didn’t know it would destroy me, I didn’t know it was all for him,
I more of a stranger to myself as months past, I’ve never owned my own identity.
I was his possession, just a thing to him,
As I search to find myself, to put things right, to find what I didn’t have then, safety and the need to feel like someone cares without hurting me, without secrets.
I fear rejection, asking for things instead of things just happening isn’t familiar,
As with any game it got boring for him, he created new games,
The game faded, still a child but not to him
He was a fully grown adult,
I don’t remember feeling vulnerable or being allowed to feel vulnerable,
I’d cry often whilst he did what he wanted to me,
I’d fight him off, he’d get angry I’d have physical reminders of what he’d do to it,
the emotional scars hurt so much more,
’if you don’t do as your told you’ll be taken away, you’ll have no-one’
‘if you don’t do as your told I will make sure you can no longer...’
I didn’t start that way, the secret talks fades over this game, turned to torture, turned to anger, turned to me realising I was being abused, turned to rape...
The silence is broken but I still carry this secret, it has just grown in to grief and caught up with me.
The secret manifests itself from my inability to let myself be free, my inability to trust & mostly my inability to move on.
The secret game worked, it is still being played, I am still a girl hurting. I am still looking for help, the help I look for is lost, he made sure what he was doing to me didn’t get lost. He will always know he succeeded.
I feel vulnerable now
I feel scared now
i feel sad now
I feel grief for my 11 year old self,
I feel I am still nothing.
I felt important with this secret, he had control over me by this secret, I didn’t know it would destroy me, I didn’t know it was all for him,
I more of a stranger to myself as months past, I’ve never owned my own identity.
I was his possession, just a thing to him,
As I search to find myself, to put things right, to find what I didn’t have then, safety and the need to feel like someone cares without hurting me, without secrets.
I fear rejection, asking for things instead of things just happening isn’t familiar,
As with any game it got boring for him, he created new games,
The game faded, still a child but not to him
He was a fully grown adult,
I don’t remember feeling vulnerable or being allowed to feel vulnerable,
I’d cry often whilst he did what he wanted to me,
I’d fight him off, he’d get angry I’d have physical reminders of what he’d do to it,
the emotional scars hurt so much more,
’if you don’t do as your told you’ll be taken away, you’ll have no-one’
‘if you don’t do as your told I will make sure you can no longer...’
I didn’t start that way, the secret talks fades over this game, turned to torture, turned to anger, turned to me realising I was being abused, turned to rape...
The silence is broken but I still carry this secret, it has just grown in to grief and caught up with me.
The secret manifests itself from my inability to let myself be free, my inability to trust & mostly my inability to move on.
The secret game worked, it is still being played, I am still a girl hurting. I am still looking for help, the help I look for is lost, he made sure what he was doing to me didn’t get lost. He will always know he succeeded.
I feel vulnerable now
I feel scared now
i feel sad now
I feel grief for my 11 year old self,
I feel I am still nothing.
3
Comments
I hope you've been feeling even the slightest bit better since posting this. It must have been really tough to divulge all of this, but it was very courageous and I hope it's helped you clear up your mind a bit.
I understand that you are feeling very vulnerable and still under this man's power and influence. If you're comfortable with disclosing this, are you okay to clarify whether this man is still playing these "games" with you and actively causing you distress? It's very important that you can get the support you need, and the man in question is addressed properly for his actions, and if we, at The Mix, can help you through any of this, we will do our best to do so.
Even if these actions aren't currently ongoing (and I really hope that they are not), what's most important is that your emotional and mental well-being is doing okay. It seems to me that you're still very much affected by what you've gone through, and I don't blame you. It's completely normal and fine for you to respond like this, because you must have gone through a lot and I can't imagine how it must have felt for you. But I, nor anyone else, would want you to continue suffering emotionally, and there is various support available to you, depending on where you're from. Typically, your first point of call could be your GP, a sexual assault referral centre (SARC) or even just someone close to you who you know you can trust. Your GP may refer you to various other specialists depending on the situation, including mental health services. In the UK, the mental health services truthfully aren't the best, but it's much better than leaving issues unresolved.
I hope you can recognise that there is a lot of support available to help you, and get the help and support you deserve.
-peachysoo
This happened when I was a child aged 10, I was abused to age 15, this stopped for a time, until the last time he hurt me was when I was 17, he raped me.
I had a little girl as a result, who is my world and will never know or feel bad because of all of this. I went to the police, protection of my daughter was a factor, it was a long and scary process, but the CPS did take the case to court where myself, witness, doctor gave evidence against him, he was found guilty of some of the charges, he is due to be sentenced. He will never be able to have access or to come anywhere near us and will remain on the register, a little peace of mind.
the first time I opened up what happened was to the police and my suppprt at that time. I’m opening up here for myself. I haven’t dealt with myself in it all.
thanks again for your words, I wanted to share what happened outside of my reality (in my own life) if that makes sense? But I guess sharing parts when I feel ready and brave enough to is the same.
thanks again,