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Help, boyfriend perspective: I sexually assaulted my girlfriend

I’m writing to ask for help and advice of a incident that happened between me and my girlfriend involving me unknowingly while drunk attempting to make her perform a sexual act on me.

the events of the night are regrettably and sadly hazy to me and thus some information has been told to me by her. At the time of the incident I was 18 and she was 19. We are now 20 and 21 But me and my girlfriend had gone out for the night to a local bar near my home, during which I got quite awfully drunk to the point I can not even remember anything of the bar itself. After the night was finished, I offered to walk her to the train station which was approximately 15 minutes away. On our way, I got the idea to try and feel ‘naughty’ and wanted to do something sexual in public. I must have brought her to a bush so we where out of sightline and of course the open. I can remember wanting to please her too, and hinted at such, but she refused. After that I pulled down my pants and tried to convince her to perform oral sex, which involved me putting my hands on her shoulders and pushing down. After a while I must have got the message that it was not happening and got myself dressed and continued to walk her to the station and see her on the train.

I can swear hand on my heart that I did not mean any kind of force or harm to her and the details of this incident make me sick and I will regret and seek forgiveness for, for the rest of my life. I can readily admit I was a very childish and hormonal boy at the time of this event. I cannot remember much of the night at all due to how drunk I was. And even could not recall the event at all until my girlfriend brought it up a few months later. I had absolutely no idea of what I was doing and of the severity and force I was inflicting. I have several medical conditions including dyspraxia, which is a learning disability that effects the brain and includes not understanding body language, witch ahs been an issue all my life and becomes more severe when intoxicated. I also have a liver condition that effects my body’s ability to process alcohol.

Me and my girlfriend have been fighting and dealing with this for over a year now, and have talked extensively about that night. I also stopped drinking for a while, and do now only when with her and only a couple of drinks at max. We have also put procedures and safe words in place to make her feel safer and more protected when out with me. I feel I have matured a hell of a lot since and have a better control over myself. I still do stand up to the fact of I will do anything to make it better.

She feels extremely trapped and abused by the incident and has left her with flashbacks and triggers of that night that leave her feeling scared and trapped. She constantly has bad dreams about the incident or similar involving me and other people as well as bad dreams of me cheating on her or being harsh or cruel. She has lost much trust in me and it has given her fears that I would do it again or I would hurt her in another way. She is fighting with the fact that she is still with me because I remind her of that night. We have still managed to maintain many happy days and moments together, I do believe we do still love each other very much so and that is what makes this all the harder. We are desperate for a solution and have run out of ideas on what to try to help her deal with what has happened as she feels she can not get over it and the memory of that night and of what I did haunts her.  We have looked at therapy apps, but all have shown to be too expensive for us to do. 

I fear now we are both coming to the end of our tether so to speak and are about to breakdown and give up. Hence why we have agreed to both ask on here. I just want to do what is best for her and for me. we don’t believe breaking up is the right option as we do still love each other and make each other happy, and we fear breaking up would cause more harm. I personally agree with that, but do want her to just be better and know she would be well within her rights and I could not argue if she felt that was what needs to happen.

Thank you for reading and anything you have to say will help us on this, good or bad. She also has done a post on here  


Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    Hey

    have you thought about seeking help for the guilt? Or seeking help on how to manage this? I am glag you do not excessively drink. Some people do turn into different people when drunk. Have seen it and is horrible and i think some people should just never drink. At all. But yea i still believe people need to be responsible for their actions. Intentionally or not. As serious.


    When reading your post.  This quote came to mind which i think may make you think. 

      

    I think this is very true. And related to your girlfriend. And i personally think need to break up with each other for her mental wellbeing. I mean i dont know your whole relationships so i cant really give my opinion. But if the relationship seems to be heavliy based on how you both feel from this incident (i dont mean you convo) i mean - (you feel guilty and she feels she cant trust) then should end. As youre never getting closure or peace carrying on. It will understandably be hard like any relationship. But sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better. 

    Also some woman heal from trauma by being indenial, - carrying on things even tho clearly affected still and not working out. And maybe for both need to leave. 

    But yeah as i say. Please take any advice and opinions with pinch of salt (or whateevr the saying is) As we can read and know a bit of it. youre in the relationship and will know if what youre reading sounds right. Or what youre thinking is right
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • JawfaceJawface Posts: 18 Fast Newbie
    It sounds like you have accepted responsibility for your actions, and you sound very remorseful, so I don't think there's any need for me to reiterate the seriousness of what you did. Nonetheless, I will say that I don't see what difference dyspraxia might make to this, since a drunk person might do what you did even if they didn't have dyspraxia. 

    You have both made a lot of effort to move on from this, but unfortunately you can't be sure that things will work out even if you try everything possible. 

    I'm sorry about all this.
  • Candlestick56Candlestick56 Posts: 90 Miniposter
    Hi @Jamesainsy,

    I'm really sorry for what you and your girlfriend are going through, it sounds like a really difficult situation for both of you :(

    I mainly wanted to respond to your post to offer a different perspective because I don't really agree with some the other responses you've jhad. I really believe it is possible for you to move on from what happened, and even to become stronger as a couple as a result. The reason I say that is because a similar situation happened to a friend of mine and her boyfriend when they were in university, and although it took them a very long time to work through everything (very emotional on both sides), they have been together 10 years now and are buying a house together. They are honestly the strongest couple I know and they make such an amazing team, it gives me faith in relationships every time I see them. 

    I think the reason they stayed together was because they both wanted to fight for the relationship, and both loved eachother a lot. Once they'd realised that, they knew they'd get through it. Saying that though, it took her a very long time to forgive him. And similarly, with your girlfriend, she said she kept having flash backs and feeling like she didn't want to be intimate with him. He ended up getting CBT therapy, which helped him confront some other issues he had and open up to her more and gradually they worked out how to rebuild things. They're really open with eachother about everything now, and she tells me after everything they've been through, she thinks it made them so much stronger. So, I guess the advice I'd give to you, would be to first of all, work out if you're both on the same page - do you both want to fight for your relationship? And if the answer is yes, then the second thing I'd say, is you'll have to be patient because it will take some time. Either way, seeking some support outside the relationship is probably a good way to go. Therapy is expensive, and the NHS is a long wait, but the mix does a phone service, which could be a good place to start at least?
    ktpn
  • JamesainsyJamesainsy Posts: 3 Noob
    edited October 2018
    Hi @Shaunie

    Yes i have, both me and my girlfriend have looked at getting help.  we have discussed about couples and private therapy and counselling for us both. i have mostly stopped drinking now, and when i do it is with consent and while i am with my girlfriend, and go at a pace she in comfortable with. this is to build up trust again. 

    i think your post is true. and we have discussed breaking up in the past. however at the moment we don't think it is the right course of action. However we haven't ruled it out. 

    thank you for your response 
    Shaunie
  • JamesainsyJamesainsy Posts: 3 Noob
    Hi @Candlestick56

    Thank you for replying. this mostly goes along with what i currently think, however i'm not fully ruling out the possibility of breaking up, for our own sakes, so all posts on this have been useful in helping us decide what to do.

    it is refreshing to hear how other people have been through similar and recovered. i know it will take a lot of work and that work i am really trying to put in, in order to make it better. i do just fear i am not enough for her and she deserves a fresh start away from me. i can see how much pain i put her through and hate that. i couldn't love her any more then i do, but surly part of that is doing what is right, i want to do what is right. but unsure what that may be. 

    therapy or some kind of counselling we think is a really good idea and something we're looking into. we both want to fight for the relationship absolutely, but are beginning to loose strength. we think it will at least give us more knowledge to know what it best to do.

    thank you for responding. 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    Hey.

    It does sound hard to know what is right.  

    You might find this site helpful https://www.relate.org.uk/
    I think it is a registered charity for relationships and can have a live chat with a cousellor for 30 mins. Ive not used it myself so i dunno tbh ah but looks good

    hope youre okay today
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
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