Help, boyfriend perspective: I sexually assaulted my girlfriend
I’m writing to ask for help and advice of a incident that happened between me and my girlfriend involving me unknowingly while drunk attempting to make her perform a sexual act on me.
the events of the night are regrettably and sadly hazy to me and thus some information has been told to me by her. At the time of the incident I was 18 and she was 19. We are now 20 and 21 But me and my girlfriend had gone out for the night to a local bar near my home, during which I got quite awfully drunk to the point I can not even remember anything of the bar itself. After the night was finished, I offered to walk her to the train station which was approximately 15 minutes away. On our way, I got the idea to try and feel ‘naughty’ and wanted to do something sexual in public. I must have brought her to a bush so we where out of sightline and of course the open. I can remember wanting to please her too, and hinted at such, but she refused. After that I pulled down my pants and tried to convince her to perform oral sex, which involved me putting my hands on her shoulders and pushing down. After a while I must have got the message that it was not happening and got myself dressed and continued to walk her to the station and see her on the train.
I can swear hand on my heart that I did not mean any kind of force or harm to her and the details of this incident make me sick and I will regret and seek forgiveness for, for the rest of my life. I can readily admit I was a very childish and hormonal boy at the time of this event. I cannot remember much of the night at all due to how drunk I was. And even could not recall the event at all until my girlfriend brought it up a few months later. I had absolutely no idea of what I was doing and of the severity and force I was inflicting. I have several medical conditions including dyspraxia, which is a learning disability that effects the brain and includes not understanding body language, witch ahs been an issue all my life and becomes more severe when intoxicated. I also have a liver condition that effects my body’s ability to process alcohol.
Me and my girlfriend have been fighting and dealing with this for over a year now, and have talked extensively about that night. I also stopped drinking for a while, and do now only when with her and only a couple of drinks at max. We have also put procedures and safe words in place to make her feel safer and more protected when out with me. I feel I have matured a hell of a lot since and have a better control over myself. I still do stand up to the fact of I will do anything to make it better.
She feels extremely trapped and abused by the incident and has left her with flashbacks and triggers of that night that leave her feeling scared and trapped. She constantly has bad dreams about the incident or similar involving me and other people as well as bad dreams of me cheating on her or being harsh or cruel. She has lost much trust in me and it has given her fears that I would do it again or I would hurt her in another way. She is fighting with the fact that she is still with me because I remind her of that night. We have still managed to maintain many happy days and moments together, I do believe we do still love each other very much so and that is what makes this all the harder. We are desperate for a solution and have run out of ideas on what to try to help her deal with what has happened as she feels she can not get over it and the memory of that night and of what I did haunts her. We have looked at therapy apps, but all have shown to be too expensive for us to do.
I fear now we are both coming to the end of our tether so to speak and are about to breakdown and give up. Hence why we have agreed to both ask on here. I just want to do what is best for her and for me. we don’t believe breaking up is the right option as we do still love each other and make each other happy, and we fear breaking up would cause more harm. I personally agree with that, but do want her to just be better and know she would be well within her rights and I could not argue if she felt that was what needs to happen.
Thank you for reading and anything you have to say will help us on this, good or bad. She also has done a post on here