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I feel like such a bad person

cal192cal192 Posts: 14 Fast Newbie

I do feel bad because I don't like my own mother. 

She's said some horrible things to me and picked me on me a bit in the past few years and infront of people without showing any remorse. And I think that's why I don't like her.
She has made out to people that she treats me and my siblings equally too but one time I heard her say to someone that she prefers my sister more because she is still with her dad. 
There's no way I can talk to her about it because she always gets defensive and has a go at me. 
I can't stand being around her or even looking at her. She comes to my flat even when I don't want her to but I feel like I can't say no. I hate having to talk to her but I feel like I have to because of family events and stuff. I would never see her again if I could get away with it. 
I just don't like her at all. Does anyone know what I should do? 
honeyxx

Comments

  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 1,237 Fanatical Poster
    Heya Cal, and welcome to the mix ( :

    It's great that you're reaching out for help, and I want you to know that you shouldn't feel bad about this. We're entitled to like or dislike anyone, the fact that she is your mother doesn't change this.

    Sorry that you're having such a tough time, I know that we can feel awful for not having a good relationship with someone we should be able to like- but there isn't anyone we have to like, even our family.

    You can try and rebuild a positive relatioship with your mother as much as you like, but if she isn't willing to be patient and put the effort in, it just isn't going to happen.

    I hope you feel better about yourself, and know that if you ever want to say 'no' to her or stand up to her that you are being reasonable and are completely within your rights to.

    Take care,
    Aidan


    peachysoohoneyxx
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    Sounds like you are going though a lot right now, 

    Unfortunately we don't get to choose our family so we can't always get along with them. Try your best to calmly explain to your mother how she is making you feel, she is a person too and will never be perfect. If she doesn't understand or continues to act in a way that makes you feel bad then you could try taking a break from her. Spend sometime with friends (friends are the family we get to choose) if she comes to your flat then take a deep breath, tell her you are busy right now and you'd appreciate it if she could give you some time and space.

    It can be hard to stand up to our parents, especially when they can make us feel guilty by pulling out the 'I raised you' card. Try to remember that you and your friends and siblings raised yourselves just as much as she raised you, and thats its totally natural to want to leave the nest at some point and start your own adventure. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting to live your own life. You can find other people who support you. 

    Are you able to speak to your sister about this? Perhaps she could help explain things, if your mother listens to her then your sister might be able to help. 

    I hope you find a way through this situation, let us know how things turn out in the future :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • Candlestick56Candlestick56 Posts: 90 Miniposter
    Hey @cal192,

    I used to feel exactly the same way about my own mother. I still feel like that sometimes, when I spend a lot of time around her, but not quite as much as I used to. I think it's actually quite normal to feel like you genuinely don't like one of your parents, or even both of them.

    I don't think it's something you necessarily need to talk to her about, but it might help to try and understand why you feel that way about her? When you see her and you feel like you can't stand being around her, try to ask yourself what it is she did that triggered those feelings. I think for me I realised I had a problem with only ever focusing on her flaws, and never on her strengths. I don't really know when or why that changed, but it did and now I feel guilty that I used to see her that way. So, I suppose what I'm trying to say is maybe just be open to your relationship with her changing in the future. 

    In the meantime, if you don't want to see her, tell her you need some space and you don't want her showing up at your flat unannounced. It's good to be assertive if you can.

    I hope that helps a bit.
    peachysoo
  • AzzimanAzziman The Mix convert Posts: 514 Extreme Poster
    cal192 said:

    I do feel bad because I don't like my own mother. 

    She's said some horrible things to me and picked me on me a bit in the past few years and infront of people without showing any remorse. And I think that's why I don't like her.
    She has made out to people that she treats me and my siblings equally too but one time I heard her say to someone that she prefers my sister more because she is still with her dad. 
    There's no way I can talk to her about it because she always gets defensive and has a go at me. 
    I can't stand being around her or even looking at her. She comes to my flat even when I don't want her to but I feel like I can't say no. I hate having to talk to her but I feel like I have to because of family events and stuff. I would never see her again if I could get away with it. 
    I just don't like her at all. Does anyone know what I should do? 
    Hi cal192,

    Sorry to hear what you're going through. 

    It's a shame that your own family member treats you like this. Communication is the first step, for sure. I think you need to stand your ground and let her know how she's treating you, and directly ask her why she's treating you like this (when you ask this, make sure you've got examples so that she can't simply brush it off as a little complaint).

    If she refuses to discuss or apologise, it's time for you to reconsider your ties with her. You can still go to family events, just be civil. It's your flat - if you don't want to see her, don't let her in.

    I think that while you want this poor treatment to stop, you don't want to lose hope of having a healthy and close relationship with your mother. How your mother responds to you telling her how she makes you feel, will indicate whether she wants this healthy and close relationship with you or notx

    Much love <3
    peachysoo
  • cal192cal192 Posts: 14 Fast Newbie
    Thanks for the replies 🙂
    She try to say infront of everyone that i pick on her. So I butted in and said you pick me on and if your not doing that, your giving me dirty looks. Which she is...
    And she tried to make me look stupid again so I just said I'm different to you and you can't seem to accept that. She said she does but I know she still has a go when no one is around. I feel like screaming my lungs out from what she says 
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    Well done for being brave and sticking up for yourself! It can be hard to speak up when around others. Keep going, people who make you feel bad aren't good friends. Find others who accept you for you. :) 

    It could be that she refuses to accept that her words hurt you and so is denying it, she may not even realize how she is ignoring your emotions. 

    It's good you remained calm and didn't scream, as screanisc would give her reason to speak badly of you. Feeding the fire and all that. 

    Take care :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • cal192cal192 Posts: 14 Fast Newbie
    Everything's been going good lately, but now I feel like my dad is leaving me out. He went to see brother today and didn't bother coming to see me or ring me. He only rings when he wants to talk about himself and I'm not aloud to talk about things on my mind. He knows that mt mum has been mean to me lately but he doesn't act like he cares. Hes spent alot more time with him rather than me. I feel like ignoring his calls if he ever rings
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    It could be that your dad isn't sure what to do and feels nervous about the tension between you and your mum. Could you ask your brother to make plans with dad and then turn up too, without your dad knowing you will be there? Then you could spend some time together and he won't be able to leave you out. 

    Even if you feel he is leaving you out, please don't ignore his calls, as you might end up pushing him away too.
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • cal192cal192 Posts: 14 Fast Newbie
    Well I've sorted that out with my dad. We had some alone time and had a good chat 🙂. 
    But then my brother text me earlier asking why I took pictures of our mother off my social network site. I didn't think anyone would notice. I just don't feel like she cares about me. I never had any emotional support growing up. I wanted to run away. She always criticizes me and got rid of my favourite things without asking me first because she didn't like them. I just told him I got rid of a full album because I wanted a clear out. Now I am scared that he's gonna tell her and now they'll all hate me. 

    peachysoo
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    Im glad you managed to talk about everything with your dad :) 
    How about deleting some other photos too, then it will seem more like you are just tidying up your social media page.
    Its up to you how you use social media, deleting photos is no reason for someone to hate you. If anything bad does come from your brother telling your family about the photos, then try to stay calm and perhaps tell them its your social page and you can choose which photos to keep and which to replace. You could also tell them that deleting photos doesn't mean anything and they shouldn't worry about it.
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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