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Advice?- I think I might have been Raped?

petal123petal123 Posts: 21 Boards Initiate
in Sex & Relationships
Hey, I’m 17 years old and after recently having broken up with my boyfriend I’ve had time to think about some of the things that he did and said to me. I knew he’d not been the nicest of people as he was quite controlling and manipulative. The first time we had sex was less than a month into our relationship. We’d been dating for 2 months prior and he always told me how much he “couldn’t wait to do stuff” with me and how important it is in a relationship. I was a virgin then and the first time we did anything he kept trying to put his hand down my pants to finger me and I did say no a few times however he continued to do so. Afterwards he asked if we could have sex and I said yes, I don’t know why but I knew he’d keep persisting if I said no. This has happened now on numerous occasions where he’d get in a mood with me if I didn’t want to do anything, and usually if I told him I didn’t want to do anything he’d try his hardest to make me horny. The last time it happened before we broke up he kept trying to finger me after me repeatedly told him no. Is that rape or sexual assault or anything? I don’t know if that’s too strong of a word, all I do know is that I’m very upset about it and am relieved to be out of the relationship however I never realised it “in the moment” nor did I act upon it because I felt pressured and wanted to avoid any arguments.

Could anyone help me as I’m unsure, please x

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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi @petal123

    It sounds like you're quite confused and upset about what happened in your relationship, I'm sorry to hear that but thank you for sharing here <3

    Hopefully this will help you, it defines consent https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/sexual-consent-15356.html. It is not right to feel pressured into doing anything to avoid arguments, that's not fair on you. I do totally understand what you are saying though... I think a lot of us have been through similar growing up with boys - that doesn't mean it's right!!

    Hope that helps a little. 

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    LaineLaine Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Hey Petal :)

    This definitely isn't right it's controlling behavior and assault.

    Do you still get contacted by him? 

    If you are affected by this you can always talk to your GP and get a referral for some support or counselling,  this is entirely your choice and if you're not ready for it I understand.

    Don't feel bad manipulative relationships are toxic and you wouldn't of said anything at the time for many reasons all of which are not your fault.

    I hope you can go onto the path of healing we're here for you through this difficult time and remember if he tries contacting you and won't leave you alone or you feel threatened report him to the police and you can get a restraining order(be warned though that the assault case will need to be taken to court too) 

    Stay strong and best wishes <3

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "This is my family. I found it, all on my own.
    It's little, and Broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good." ~ Stitch

    "Lately, I've been struggling with all the simple things in my life" ~ Cian Ducrot

    "I don't know if it's because my heart hurts or I'm insecure" ~ Juice Wrld
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    EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Sounds like my ex :( Im sorry you had to go through something so awful, its up to you if you want to report him or not. Talking to your GP about it could be very helpful, as well as focusing on talking care of yourself. Perhaps even call a helpline for abuse victims, they can give you more advice on what to do next.

    You are not what he did to you, he was manipulative and controlling, he ignored your feelings and being treated like that can make you feel awful. But none of it is your fault, you haven't done anything wrong. 

    I didn't recognise my ex and I's relationship was toxic until I came across a youtube video where a blogger talked about his abusive ex. I cried because the video made me realise why I felt so awful, I was in a horrible relationship where I was being manipulated, lied to and guilt-tripped into doing things I didn't want to do. But now, years later, I am in a relationship with someone new and wonderful. You CAN find someone who cares for you and won't try to hurt you inorder to get what they want.

    Your ex was selfish and cruel, but now that you realise that you can make your own choices about what to do next. It was very brave of you to speak up about it here and if you want to go further in reporting him then we will be here to encourage you all the way.

    A couple of tips on feeling safer is to hang out with friends, in groups you know you have others helping you. Block him on social media and block his phone number, anything he says will probably bring back bad memories so its best to avoid him. Throw out anything that reminds you of him, start a clean slate.

     Get some new clothes and look in a mirror, you are strong, you are determined, you are brave and you are out of this bad relationship. Now you can now move on with your own life and make your own decisions. 

    Chat to us anytime you need reassurance, you are not alone. :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    I’m glad you’re out of this relationship. He didnt respect you at all and you deserve better. 

    It can be so hard to see, Ive been in similar. And after ive thought from an outsider it’s so clear. But its not your fault either way.

    Ive been in similar & in the moment sometimes you just cant see it is wrong & I think it’s because my view of rape was being really violent & becuase the other person normalised it & maniplautated me, yet its all still wrong but now I feel more confident that I know more about consent and know what is completly wrong. 

    Like others have suggested, maybe you could go to your gp if you feel affected. Or speak to someone you really trust like family member or friend
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Just got here
    Hey Petal,

    The Mix also has a very good article called 'What is sexual assault?'


    It's most sensitively written and gently guides you in the various ways you can get help.

    I think though that your first person to talk to would be your doctor. Receptionists at the surgery when they take calls are sensitive and will make you either a telephone consultation (if you prefer), or, you have an appointment specially to see them. GPs are experiences and your's will help you, I am sure.



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