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Anxiety is driving my partner away.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
My partner and I have been dating for almost a year in long distance. We met online and it was spark for both of us from the start, we soon told each other we both had troubles with insecurities and anxieties, so for the first few months things went very smoothly, we reassured each other constantly, we always were extremely attentionate and always wanting to show our feelings, after about 8 months things changed quite a bit, he slowly begins to no longer suffer those anxieties and says it is because he doesn't need to be worried, except that is still not my case. So my anxiety crisis are met in a very different way from the start, to a point now if I ask him if he still wants to spend his life with me, he will just tell me why am I being ridiculous asking those questions, the problem is the more I feel I annoy him with those questions the more guilty I feel and the harder it is for me to feel better. Things have come to a point where I feel now he is just sick of me and doesn't really love me like he once did. But I cannot ask him that, he will say it's ridiculous to ask and get mad, I find it very hard to control my anxieties and with less affection and no more reassurance I don't know anymore how to make myself better to make him happy again. When I have a bad moment and he gets mad, I apologise, nearly beg, and he will just say "alright, until the next time". I dont want to lose him we have such a strong connection in everything else, the only down point is my mental health and I want to fix it so much but I don't know if I've already lost the battle with him. We meet generally once a month and we actually talk all day long via messaging, see each other through Skype roughly once to twice a week and we still have so much fun together when bad things don't happen, it just feels I can trigger anger so easily in him with my anxieties and I have made a lot of improvements which he says he has noticed, but I feel now he is in this relationship only expecting more anxieties as soon as one is dealt with, I know he has such a patience to be dealing with this for so long and I don't know what to do to make up for this or to just stop ruining this otherwise perfect relationship over nothing but what I make up in my own head.:banghead:

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Welcome Metal!

    Thanks for sharing your story!

    Congratulations on improving your anxiety! Unfortunately, anxiety often can't be overcome overnight, but many people don't improve at all. Please don't beat yourself up too much about it - it seems like you both understand that your anxiety isn't a true reflection of yourself.

    The article Aidan linked has better advice that I can give on anxiety. However, from an outsider's perspective, your relationship seems pretty good (especially for a long distance relationship). Do you currently have any techniques for dealing with your anxiety?

    I wish you all the best, stay positive and keep us updated!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks very much for the replies! As for my anxieties, I tend to take a moment to myself and have a sort of talk in my own head (sounds crazy I know!) and I tell myself that if what I thought was true my SO would not be here right now. The problem I have is how long I take before realising I need to take a moment, it's often after I've exploded out and had another go at asking him repeatedly if he loves me the same blablabla and by the time I take some space it is because I have annoyed him and made him upset. He has explained the fact I have those moments makes him anxious and he feels he is not doing enough for me, even though I try to tell him he does, I do understand it is hard to believe it when I constantly have moments telling him I don't feel loved... I just don't know how to deal with the situation right now, and I am always scared I have taken action too late and the relationship is doomed.:nervous:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's not crazy at all! That's a very clever way of trying to deal with things. I've heard of some people cope with their anxiety by writing down positive affirmations or distracting questions in advance, and I'm sure there are other ways of dealing with it, including spotting it earlier! I wish I had the answers for you, but I unfortunately don't :( Not to worry, though! If you do want more professional advice you can always get in touch with experts at The Mix at http://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team

    It sounds like your SO really cares about you, it's only natural for him to have concerns as well as you! Anxiety is a tough cookie to break, but it sounds like you're taking all the right steps to overcome it, don't you agree? :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am making efforts and trying to get better everyday but I am never sure of how much progress I make, my main concern is always my SO's well being and I feel sometimes he would be happier with someone else who doesn't have those moments. If only anxieties weren't a thing!!!!!:grump:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's common for people to worry about if their SO would be happier with someone else - but the fact is he isn't with someone else, he's chosen to be with you! What matters is your mental health, and how you're coping. It's really, really hard but you've said you're making progress and that's great! The thoughts you get when you get anxiety - they're not how you really feel, are they..?

    I'm sorry I don't have a miracle cure - I wish I did! All I can say is keep doing what you're doing and we'll be with you every step of the way for however long you wish.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I must say since the last time I have posted on here there hasn't been any major incidents which I am very happy about, I felt our relationship had entered a cycle of I get a crisis, he gets annoyed, I feel even worse, he becomes worse etc. But since the last few days it seems reversed, I decided to not listen to any worries that came into my mind and simply tell him "I'm starting to be bad" so the crisis was dealt without any arguments or annoyance on his part, which was a massive reassurance for me, which makes him happier and me reassured even more! Since then we even have been having video calls every day instead of once-twice a week in the couple months past, I think talking about this has actually been a big weight off my shoulders, so thanks much to you guys! I hope it stays this way! I'll keep things updated whenever I can :love:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's amazing to hear metal! Keeping us updated would be awesome :hyper:
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