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Different forms of Self Harm.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
edited June 2018 in Health & Wellbeing
Hi All

Im really struggling at the moment and dont feel like I can talk to anyone offline about it.

The first issue is that I am struggling with Food, which started about a month ago. I know why this has happened, it's because their is so much of my life I can't control so I NEED something I can control-that something has become food.

This controlling of food has mostly replaced my urges to self harm. However now I have been getting the feelings of wanting to self harm regually again and so need to make a choice. Do I continue not eating to give me more control, or do I give up with that idea, go back to eating normally and go back to self harm. I have self harmed for years, I know it well and know it works for me. But in October and November last year I got really bad and self harmed.

Right now I am having an argument with myself over if I should eat something, or self harm, and I don't know what to do. This has been happening most of the evening and I have been trying most of the evening to get support but failed to so far. This argument now keeps happening at night time, it's affecting my sleep which means Im tired and even less able to make sensible decisions. I know because of the mental health condition I have that I've very impulsive when it comes to self harm so I worry now how deep it will end up if that's what I end up doing.

Basically I'm really struggling with a constant need to harm myself to cope with this condition, but Im struggling to a point that I cant make sensible decisions anymore. Please someone tell me what I should do.

Amy
Post edited by TheMix on

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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Hi Amy.
    I can relate to this very much.
    Firstly do you have any help for this, from mental health services. Therpay is helping me a lot. Although im still self harming.
    Its good to hear you dont want to go backt to those ways but than not eating properly is just as dangerous.
    Maybe finding out what causes you to want to self harm, at some times more than others. I always conviced myself there was no cause but there is most likely one that may not be so obvious. I found being round people when i want to self harm helps me, or not having access to anything.
    Have you thought about other ways you could feel in control. Because i know you may feel like youre in control of your eating now. But at one point it could get to a point where its controlling you. And thats when things can start to get worse. So maybe you being in control by recovering and eating is you actually being in control of your thoughts of wanting to restict. If that makes sense.
    Its great that you have been trying to get support and hope you keep seeking it.
    When i self harm,it is also very compulsive and dont know why i do it half the time. But speaking to someone before could help, to make you think logically and why you want to do it. And how you may feel after wards. Or just speaking ti someone to help you get back to when you are not in that complusive moment,and back to reality? Where you get back to the mind set where you can make that sensible decision.
    Sleep is so very important and can make you just feel worse without. Maybe talking to your gp about this and how you feel to help you. I hardly sleep and makes me feel worse anyway.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Shaunie

    I'm being seen by the CMHT but they arnt very good. I don't have any treatment they just see me each week and say 'distract yourself' to everything because their is no magic wand or cure to make the problems go away. I hate it when she says that, surly these some advice or something she can say? I also don't feel like she listens very well, so I'm too scared to talk about the eating issue with her so she knows nothing about that still.

    I think theres 2 main causes of self harm, first the need to have something I can control and seccond as like a 'cry for help'.

    I understand what you mean about finding other ways to control things. I just don't think I can, I can't think of anything else I could control instead. What else could that be? Not eating has become almost a miricle that's helped me so much, and without other support I don't think I'm ready to eat normally again unless I want to go back to other forms of self harm like what happened last year which I really don't. I am aware not eating could kill me, but I'm a long way away from that currently and I then I also think if I die from not eating i'd be happy with that.

    I don't really go to see my GP because whenever I do he just says talk to the CMHT because I'm complicated and need their specilist help. However as I said above they don't help me. But I don't think the GP is an option, Id just be wasting their time because I know they will say talk to the CMHT about it.

    Amy
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Hey.
    I know what you mean for a cry for help. I been told they way i self harm could be apart of showing people how im suffering as i dont know how to say it and ive never been allowed to express how i feel.
    Maybe finding way to show peoppw or say to extress it that way?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi

    I don't really understand that, are you saying i should use self harm to express how I feel?

    Amy
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    amy#36 wrote: »
    Hi

    I don't really understand that, are you saying i should use self harm to express how I feel?

    Amy

    No im saying it can be away to show other people how your feeling. But just dont know anyway to say it. Thats why people use it as a cry for help.
    So maybe doing the oppsoite and finding a different way to express how you feel which is safe. Like writing it down, to someone to help you
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    NikkiNikki Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
    Hi Amy, how are you today? It is great that you're reaching out on here, and that Shaunie has offered some advice so far. What treatment have you received CHMT? Is it Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)? If not, do talk to them about them about this option. From personal experience, it was very helpful in tackling self harm and intrusive thoughts. Self harm is, ultimately, a habit, and it is very hard to break. However, with the right support and coping strategies it can be broken :)

    Here's a story that is quite similar to what you're going through with eating and self harm: http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/self-harm/i-replaced-my-eating-disorder-with-self-harm-11635.html

    We have lots of info on it here (http://www.themix.org.uk/search/self+harm) and the charity SelfHarmUK (https://www.selfharm.co.uk/) is useful also.

    Keep us updated!

    Sending hugs *hug*
    Nikki x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    edited June 2018
    Shaunie
    I do have a book that I use to write stuff in, I'ts allways been private though, but I find that because I need to concentrate on writing it helps me, however I think it's too personall to show anyone. So still the only way for me to communicate that things are VERY wrong is by sefl harming. I have communication problems too so I suppose self harm was that but it's just ignored now, so I dont know what to do. That's why I turned to controlling what I eat.

    Notagainvitelina
    I currently alternate too. I think i'm beyond 'nip it in the bud' though, I've been self-harming for years now too. I probably need to tell my CPN, I'm a bit scared to but after what's happened today (see below) I dont think I will have much choice.

    Nikki
    Right now I'm really upset, and suicidal. I can't stop thinking that the easiest solution to the problem would be for me to die. I'm sat here now planning what to do while trying to focus on writing this so sorry if this post doesnt make sense.

    Today uni had another one of the big meetings. I'm upset because the manager of my support service who was there mentiond a concern about me eating only a little and loosing weight, then the halls (where I live) manager said she's noticed weight loss too. I was just shocked and upset-I didnt think I have lost enough weight for people to notice it. I just couldent tell them the truth that I'm doing it delibratly as something to control when my life is such a mess. I'm suicidal right now because of their being no progress on where I can live, halls are now saying I can stay next year only I have have a support with me at night which is never going to happen so its still a big issue.

    I've not had any treatment from the CMHT, I think this is something to ask too now. Howvere the lack of offered treatment could be because I also have Autism and that I remember on the report when I lfet CAMHS it said I will struggle with psycological therapies so that could be the reason Ive not been given any treatment.
    After todays meeting which the CPN did not attend (sent an appology earlier today so something must have happened) their are other things to talk to the CPN about, so I hope to arrange a meeting with the CPN that my advocate can attend and help me tell the CPN stuff I wouldnt tell her.

    I think I am the opposite of that story, but your right it is really similar-I've just replace or am replacing self harm with a lack of eating. I don't want to say eating disorder because it's really not about my weight, it's about the need for control. If I loose wait I dont care but loosing weight is deffinatly NOT the reason I am not eating.

    Amy

    Post edited by TheMix on
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