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Been desperate to find somewhere to just talk about it all!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have looked everywhere for somewhere to just talk to normal people about all the hard stuff. I'm not interested in counselling or anything like that its not for me and its not appropriate for my situation (though I admire and believe they are doing an amazing job for others) I just need to work through some reallybad stuff that's happened so I can move on and be ok!

I have been with my fiancé for a long time now very excited to be marrying him . He is an amazing person I am very lucky . I want to be with him and before I say anything I am staying with him , I appreciate why many of you will advise I leave when I write the next part. So ​fairly soon into the relationship he would sometimes get a bit angry after a drink it got to a point where he Often had a go at me called me names etc. He was always sorry the next day it didn't overly bother me. However over time it got worse turned into little shoves here and there and gradually that got worse. The first big thing he did was strangle me then immediately held me apologizing a lot. I could handle it all there was genuine guilt when he did these things , I understood his anger . But it got worse still more violent ( still rare occasions and almost always only when drunk) the hitting started all alongside some very nasty speech . Then one day he was extremely angry he hurt me a lot said things I can not forget he told me to get a wooden spoon so he could spank me with it. then he raped me . this was the first time he had ever been violent in what felt like a controlled way not just a furried punch followed by a huge apology . even the next day when he apologised he then got angry talking about the situation and hurt me again. after that he made things better and it eased of for a while little things now and again a couple more quite big things . then one night we had another huge incident he threw a bottle at the car smashed the windscreen while I was inside it. smacked my head against the car once we were inside he punched kicked pulled me by hair hit me with a metal box I had to call his dad I didn't no what else to do. that was obviously a huge wake up call to him . he has totally sorted it all out learnt to control it etc.

I do not want to leave the stuff I just talked about is such a small minority compared to the amazing stuff. I just want a way to cope with it all. I am finding it hard to be the same around him especially when it comes to sex ! I flinch when he trys to be intimate. we still have sex and now that is feeling like sexual abuse cause I don't really want to but I do want to want to.
I hope this makes sense.
I just need to tell someone . I want to love him the way I used to. its making me so unhappy these feelings are almost worse than all the stuff that happened

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I completely agree with Steve. This is a typical abusive pattern that is likely to get worse and you deserve better.

    I recommend you look through the articles and support forums on psychopathfree.com. There you will find people 'coping' with or getting out of similar situations to you.

    In all reality for you to stay in this relationship your fiancé needs to make quite serious reparations and to have treatment for his behaviour.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Duplicate post!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah had previous relationships they're often the reason he hit me ( his friends mention something about an ex he says I never told him about stuff been lieing etc .)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yes we live together its just the two of us .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What steps has your fiancé taken since you called his father? How long ago was that incident?

    Have you looked into post traumatic stress disorder and its effects?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's been quite a few months since anything physically violent has happened. He is careful with what and how much he drinks. It concerns me a bit how he managed to suddenly stop after doing so much for so long .
    Sometimes I do feel like I may have some mild symptoms of ptsd yes but again it's easy to find names for how I feel and yet not easy to find solutions .
    I've had some rotten exs to be honest but never to this extent. Ironically my current partner is much nicer than anyone else
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Purple_roo wrote: »
    What steps has your fiancé taken since you called his father? How long ago was that incident?

    Have you looked into post traumatic stress disorder and its effects?

    It's been quite a few months since anything physically violent has happened. He is careful with what and how much he drinks. It concerns me a bit how he managed to suddenly stop after doing so much for so long .
    Sometimes I do feel like I may have some mild symptoms of ptsd yes but again it's easy to find names for how I feel and yet not easy to find solutions .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Purple_roo wrote: »
    What steps has your fiancé taken since you called his father? How long ago was that incident?

    Have you looked into post traumatic stress disorder and its effects?

    Do you know of any help for ptsd? Thank you
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you

    How long have you got if you want to open the low self esteem can of worms haha !
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ptsd is usually treated through a process called Emdr. Usually your eyes follow a repetitive pattern to occupy the automatic part of your brain and allow it to deal with the stuck memories that are coming up as flash backs.

    The other area that might help you is cognitive behavioural therapy. I know you mentioned not wanting counselling (though I'd recommend it) but you can access online cbt workshops. Moodgym is a good one - you're looking for something that helps you with panic attacks and flashbacks.
  • Cat88Cat88 Moderator Posts: 377 Boards Initiate
    HI Kati. I hope it's helped you to come here and open up to us. I've noticed you've posted a few things on different threads (which is totally fine by the way!) so I'm going to try and just add a bit of extra support but sorry if there's things you've already heard.

    I noticed on the other thread, in reply to Nikki, you said you can't tell your Mum as it would ruin things - what makes you say that? As Nikki mentioned, it would be great for you to have someone you could trust and open up to. Have you had chance to read any of the articles Nikki linked to? If so, has it changed anything you feel about this situation? What do you think the future looks like with your fiance?

    If you're struggling with self esteem, these articles may help: Low self-esteem and Building self-esteem. As for PTSD we don't have a specific article, but Mind (a mental health charity) has a useful page here which may help you.

    As I'm sure you can understand, I am very worried about you being in a situation where someone could harm you, and I know you say you don't want to leave but my priority is to make sure you're safe and from what you've said I do worry that's not the case.

    Please keep talking to us :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve I don't want to leave I honestly am very happy this isn't like the horrible relationships you see on the tele. I no what he did was not acceptable but it has stopped if it started again I'd reconsider things.
    Thank you purple roo I'm very interested in the online cbt!
    Cat88 thank you . I no you said it's ok to post lots but I am sorry for doing that I just felt I wanted to reword it In the hope I may get some slightly different advice and prospective on things. Ive been looking through everything anyone's giving me advice wise and trying my hardest to find all the things that will work best for me I cannot thank everyone enough for their support.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My mum and my fiancé get on so well its one part of my life that feels so happy ! Mum went through some awful things when she was young so she would see it very black and white assuming the worst possible situation and instantly insist I left him ( possibly report things to police etc) he is a good person who's done something bad he doesn't deserve that kind of punishment
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