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Girlfriend says she doesn't know how she feels after 6 months.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone, just looking for some advice. Sorry about the paragraphs, but there's a lot to it.
So i've been seeing this girl for 6 months now, and it's been pretty casual so far. It's her first relationship (we're both in our 20s), but not mine. I meet up with her a couple of days a week, and she comes round mine, and sometimes stays over. In terms of the physical intimacy we experience, it's been pretty normal. We cuddle, make out, and have sex. But last night, I wanted to talk about how we felt about each other, since we hadn't really had that conversation yet.
It took a lot of coaxing from her, and after several responses of her trying to joke her way out of it, it seems like she finally was serious with her response. She said she didn't know how she felt about me. Like not that she was avoiding the question, she literally didn't know. I then told her that I loved her, telling her that I didn't expect her to love me back. (My feeling is that relationships don't have to be at the same stage to work; as long as we're both cool about it, then it's fine). I then asked her what knowing that I loved her made her feel, and she said it made her feel nothing. She then went on to say that she doesn't really feel anything most of the time when in comes to people; what she said was that it's like "a flat bar". I asked if she loved her mother for example, with whom she has a pretty good relationship with, and she replies: "Yeah, I guess...".
I'm also going on holiday for three weeks soon, and I told her that I would miss her. I asked her if she would miss me, and she honestly said, she didn't know, and we would find out. After a bit of talking, she tells me that she doesn't really miss anyone. Like her best friend has moved aways that she has known since childhood whom she hasn't seen for six months and she doesn't miss her. Same with her friend, whom she hasn't seen for a year.
We've had stints before where we've been away from each other, and she told me when I asked that she's never missed me. Again, I don't think this is personal, just what she is like.
One of the most hurtful things he said was: She thinks if I were to say to her that I don't want to see her ever again, and then she would never see me again in her life, it wouldn't bother her. It doesn't seem like a personal thing, it's the way she is, I think. It's hard to describe, but she doesn't seem to value people like that. She kind of takes every day as it comes, and if she doesn't see that person again, even if they're really good friends, it doesn't bother her in that way. Like no point crying over spilt milk, attitude.
I asked her why she's with me if she didn't know how she felt, and again, her answer was frustratingly that she didn't know.
I'm probably making her out to seem like a robot, but it's not like that. When we're with each other, we have a great time. I make her laugh, she makes me laugh, and we seem to have great chemistry. That's why I'm with her. The relationship is just non existent on the emotional side of things. And as a super emotional person, who needs that sort of support, it's really hard.
I feel like she must feel something for me on some level, else why has she been with me for half of a year, spending most of two or three days with me a week? Maybe she's just terrible at communicating, or even just scared of feeling anything because of the vulnerability that comes with that. Maybe the reason why she's with me is because it's just the "path of least resistance".
This is pretty darn difficult for me, since she's the first person I've been in love with, and having a very strange situation where we're in a relationship, but she could potentially feel nothing for me, and never have any feelings for me is pretty harrowing.
What do people think I should do? Break up with her? Wait to see if she feels anything? Stop worrying and just enjoy my time with her? Thanks for reading.
So i've been seeing this girl for 6 months now, and it's been pretty casual so far. It's her first relationship (we're both in our 20s), but not mine. I meet up with her a couple of days a week, and she comes round mine, and sometimes stays over. In terms of the physical intimacy we experience, it's been pretty normal. We cuddle, make out, and have sex. But last night, I wanted to talk about how we felt about each other, since we hadn't really had that conversation yet.
It took a lot of coaxing from her, and after several responses of her trying to joke her way out of it, it seems like she finally was serious with her response. She said she didn't know how she felt about me. Like not that she was avoiding the question, she literally didn't know. I then told her that I loved her, telling her that I didn't expect her to love me back. (My feeling is that relationships don't have to be at the same stage to work; as long as we're both cool about it, then it's fine). I then asked her what knowing that I loved her made her feel, and she said it made her feel nothing. She then went on to say that she doesn't really feel anything most of the time when in comes to people; what she said was that it's like "a flat bar". I asked if she loved her mother for example, with whom she has a pretty good relationship with, and she replies: "Yeah, I guess...".
I'm also going on holiday for three weeks soon, and I told her that I would miss her. I asked her if she would miss me, and she honestly said, she didn't know, and we would find out. After a bit of talking, she tells me that she doesn't really miss anyone. Like her best friend has moved aways that she has known since childhood whom she hasn't seen for six months and she doesn't miss her. Same with her friend, whom she hasn't seen for a year.
We've had stints before where we've been away from each other, and she told me when I asked that she's never missed me. Again, I don't think this is personal, just what she is like.
One of the most hurtful things he said was: She thinks if I were to say to her that I don't want to see her ever again, and then she would never see me again in her life, it wouldn't bother her. It doesn't seem like a personal thing, it's the way she is, I think. It's hard to describe, but she doesn't seem to value people like that. She kind of takes every day as it comes, and if she doesn't see that person again, even if they're really good friends, it doesn't bother her in that way. Like no point crying over spilt milk, attitude.
I asked her why she's with me if she didn't know how she felt, and again, her answer was frustratingly that she didn't know.
I'm probably making her out to seem like a robot, but it's not like that. When we're with each other, we have a great time. I make her laugh, she makes me laugh, and we seem to have great chemistry. That's why I'm with her. The relationship is just non existent on the emotional side of things. And as a super emotional person, who needs that sort of support, it's really hard.
I feel like she must feel something for me on some level, else why has she been with me for half of a year, spending most of two or three days with me a week? Maybe she's just terrible at communicating, or even just scared of feeling anything because of the vulnerability that comes with that. Maybe the reason why she's with me is because it's just the "path of least resistance".
This is pretty darn difficult for me, since she's the first person I've been in love with, and having a very strange situation where we're in a relationship, but she could potentially feel nothing for me, and never have any feelings for me is pretty harrowing.
What do people think I should do? Break up with her? Wait to see if she feels anything? Stop worrying and just enjoy my time with her? Thanks for reading.
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Comments
You say that she has mentioned feeling empty, and dead inside, is it worth discussing those feelings more with her? It might help uncover her recent behaviour, and seek further help. This article may help you if you find approaching the issue difficult.
Let us know how you get on.
I justified her "coldness", "indifference", and "aloofness" as pretending not to care, just because she was not prepared to open up yet, but it seems that's just the way she is...
It can be really hard when you are in love - but make sure you take your needs in to account
Steve, ngl it's beginning to sound like you have an agenda here. It is possible that ProfessorBlake's girlfriend may have a disorder, but it's grossly unfair to diagnose someone from afar that you haven't met based upon a post on an internet forum.
It is up to ProfessorBlake to make up his own mind what to do.
She also initiated a skype call last night that lasted 3 hours. We only saw each other the day before, and spent 11 hours with each other. I mean we don't normally skype so that seemed out of character for her to do, so it seemed in her own way, she was concerned for me after our discussion the night before when we spoke about our feelings.
I know it seems like a small thing, but the other day when were out in town, she held my arm as we walked, which considering she's not into public displays of affection, that meant a lot. Maybe it's all part of the act, but considering she doesn't normally do it, and I never have voiced a problem with the fact that she doesn't implies that it's genuine.
She often compliments what I'm wearing, but rarely gives me compliments more personal than that. She sometimes returns compliments when I give them to her, but not always.
She seems grateful. She always thanks me when I do things for her, and she has said that I'm a really nice person, and treat her kindly. If I make a kind gesture towards her, she reacts very positively, and tells me I'm sweet.
What I've got to focus on is how her reactions and feelings affect me, I guess. At the moment, I have decided to stick at it with the relationship, but just shift my entire perspective. I'm going to go in with knowledge that she's probably going to never love me, and you know what, if I can deal with that (something i'll figure out over the next few weeks), it's fine. I still enjoy my time with her, and she's fun to be around.
If I try and slowly invest myself less in her, I think I can have a much more positive time. Just go for a casual relationship. Because for years, I've been looking for a meaningful relationship so that I can basically have someone who acts as an emotional crutch for me, and help me get rid of all my insecurities, low self worth and low self esteem. Or if I find someone who loves me, all these bad thoughts will go away. But I'm finding out that that's not going to happen. It's going to be something I'll have to deal with mostly on my own, with some help from my friends. By entering into a relationship and being so dependant on the other person for validation, and my self worth, will never end well since when the relationship inevitably ends, I end up extremely hurt. This is because the self worth I have built up through them is completely removed.
What I'm saying is that maybe this is a good thing, as it will allow me to be independent, grow my emotions, and develop a sense of worth that comes from an internal source, not an external one. In general, because a more emotionally stable, and independent person. I just need to remember that the hope for her being upfront about how she feels should never be a reason for me to stay in the relationship, as this might never happen. Staying in a relationship with her means that I will still have access to the physical intimacy side of things, as well as a person I can enjoy spending time with.
Any thoughts?
It's exclusive at my request. She is pretty much up for anything, so if I wanted it to be open, she'd be okay with it. This is complete conjecture, but I get the feeling if I slept with another girl, she would be okay with it. She might be a bit confused because I've been saying all the way through the relationship that I want it to be exclusive, but I don't think she would be hurt. I could be wrong. Plenty of people also hit on her, but as far as I know, she hasn't cheated. We spoke about it the other day and she said she hadn't, and she put it down to "basic human respect" that she would keep her word. I said I would rather her break up with me than cheat on me, and since it seems she wouldn't miss me, she would probably break up with me as opposed to cheating, so it's not something I'm worried about.
It sounds like you have been trying to talk to her about this situation to understand things better, which is great! It's definitely a hard thing to do!
Do you think that this article might explain what she is like? I am obviously not a professional when it comes to psychological influences, but this was the closest I could find.
Something that you could try thinking about is how happy you would be if you stayed with her (in terms of long-term) and how you would feel about other potential options.
I hope everything is okay in the end!
Steve, it seems she has a fairly low self esteem. She is always saying that she looks ugly and gross. It doesn't seem she's saying it for me to give her compliments, as me giving her complements, although I think she likes them, they also make her feel a little uncomfortable. When I tell her she looks beautiful, or good or something, she usually thinks I'm lying, which is quite frustrating, haha.
I think that considering you now have feelings for her, it is going to get harder and harder to be with someone who doesn t feel the same things as you do, and you will be feeling very unhappy. Do you think its worth it? I mean, she can be a wonderful person, but is it worth getting hurt over someone who doesn t love you back?
I don't necessarily see an issue with it. As long as I don't over-analyse the situation, and keeping thinking and reminding myself that she doesn't love me, it should be okay. The resolution I've come to about the issue at the moment is that life is really too short to keep worrying about if she feels the same way, or if she ever will, or what. The important thing is that when I'm not thinking about these things and just living more in the moment, I really enjoy my time with her. We make each other laugh, we have fun, we have good sex etc. Only thing that is lacking is the emotional connection on a deeper level. Maybe that will come in time, maybe it won't. Key thing is that if I worry about it, I'm taking away from what is actually happening and what's actually good about the relationship, and that's when we spend time with each other.
If eventually though I feel like she isn't giving me what I need in a way that means we don't enjoy our time together, then I can end the relationship. But at the moment, I think my happiness in the relationship completely depends on my perspective on it.
Summed up - Going to stop worrying about what the relationship could be and might be in the future, and focus on the here and now and just enjoy what I have with her, which is a heck of a lot of good things. I am lucky to have her.
Sorry if that was rambly, it's quite hard to get these feelings into words. Does that make sense?
Steve, yeah she mentions specific parts. She dislikes a lot about her appearance. She also seemed to dislike what she was saying to me that night, because she realised it was harsh to hear on my side, but she was just being honest. Which in a way, I appreciated. She also seems to dislike herself in a deeper way, but to be honest, I couldn't really say for sure. She's only made a few offhand comments, and batted away attempts on my end at delving further, so I don't really know her true opinion of herself.