Please don't read if Triggered easily.

This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever posted on here in my entire life, and trust me I’m a very open, if a little too open.

My mum hasn’t really spoken to me properly in years, there’s a long history of emotional and physical abuse between mum & I, Basically Mum has a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder and before I was born she had a stillborn baby boy, The pyschs think this is what triggered of her mental state off as for the majority of my childhood she was really unwell and very angry mainly towards me, there was many times that she would lock me outside in very bad weather, Social services ended up taking me into care for a short period of 3 months (my father was in hospital) after my neighbour had called them when my mum had locked me outside in the snow in just a pair of shorts, No t-shirt. For the whole of my childhood I always felt like I wasn’t good enough and would never be good enough for her or anybody, She wanted this boy, and I being a Boy wasn’t who she wanted, She’d look at me and want me to be someone else.

My older brother was doing wicked things behind locked doors whilst mum& my dad were out, Mum caught him one day and told me to stop being pathetic, the next day I broke down In my health and social care class as we learned about abuse, I walked out and sat on the stairs next too my classroom, My teacher just put her hand on me and asked how long it had been going on, I shook my head and just cried. I thought there and then it’d all be okay and it’d stop but that day when confronted my brother threatened suicide and everyone panicked, the police came to see me and I did an evidence tape, My auntie & my mum both sat me down and bullied me into dropping charges, I was told by police there wasn’t enough evidence anyways, He’d got away with it scott free, Social services though believed me and one of my social workers said there was something “odd” about him. So he was forced to move out to my nans.

Except my mum wouldn’t allow this, and eventually after he kept returning everyday, social services moved me into a hostel where my mental health plummeted, I’d already spent 6 months in an eating disorder clinic, but here the thoughts of suicide we’re greater than ever and id constantly be speaking with crisis counsellors they’d often call the police out and once my support worker their walked in my room because she hasn’t seen me all day to find me unconscious in my room, I was rushed to A+E and then discharged a few days later.

About a week later social services gave me the ultimatum after my brother smashed a glass bottle over my head “You need to leave” so with their help, I moved to Bristol. Where things may be away from the hands of my brother & my mum, But I missed my dad, dearly and I feared for my sisters who at the time Mia & the 8 year old still lived their, lives. Eventually I managed to convince social services with the support of my dad that Mia & the 8 year old did need to be safe, so they we’re put into foster care, My dad was allowed unsupervised contact, My mum & brother supervised. They didn’t visit once.
After my dad & Mia died my life sort of broke into a million pieces. And with the suicide of my 15 year old sister Ellie who was living with another aunt at the time all this happened, I’m here wondering what should I do.

My brother now has two children of his own, a 5 year old son and a two year old daughter and one on the way, another girl is alleging he raped her, but again not enough evidence. I’m not sure what to do anymore.

My mum chose my brother over me, She hasn’t spoken to me in two years now, Except for the death threats and the “I hate you, I wish you wasn’t born” So why do I ache so much for our relationship to be mended? Shes now married to some Jerk, and they have a child Harry who is 5 (He’s obviously not my mums kid) she now has that son…that I wasn’t.