If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Re-entering the dating world
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So bar one date and one ill fated three week 'relationship' I have been single for approx 5 years and am starting to think it's time I got back into it and seeing someone.
The problems are that a) I am terrified. I accused one guy who came to talk to me on a night out of being put up to it, and b) I don't know where to look. I'm not a big clubbing person and when I go to see bands the same people are always there so not a very big pool to choose from.
I'm thinking that the best way to get over my fears and insecurities is to just go for it and see what happens. And then theres online dating, or, I'm thinking of asking a friend if she knows anyone for me. The problem with this is that I am so so so embarrassed of this kind of thing. I yelled at this guy the other night because his brother asked him to come and talk to me and I was so embarrassed and felt pathetic. It will be like admitting that I can't get anyone without some help. Is this a good idea or not?
The problems are that a) I am terrified. I accused one guy who came to talk to me on a night out of being put up to it, and b) I don't know where to look. I'm not a big clubbing person and when I go to see bands the same people are always there so not a very big pool to choose from.
I'm thinking that the best way to get over my fears and insecurities is to just go for it and see what happens. And then theres online dating, or, I'm thinking of asking a friend if she knows anyone for me. The problem with this is that I am so so so embarrassed of this kind of thing. I yelled at this guy the other night because his brother asked him to come and talk to me and I was so embarrassed and felt pathetic. It will be like admitting that I can't get anyone without some help. Is this a good idea or not?
0
Comments
You haven't said what attributes you want him to have. If you state that, we can advise you where to look.
It's totally understandable that you're feeling nervous and scared about re-entering the dating world after 5 years on your own. I wonder about making yourself a smaller goal first so just getting used to talking to guys a bit more? Rather than seeing yourself out there to find a boyfrend, maybe take the pressure off and just get used to socialising more in general. Seeing guys as potential mates too, that way you can hopefully relax a little more.
You mention you tend to get really embarrassed and find it hard to 'accept help' in terms of meeting people. However, in my experience a lot of people that end up together meet through mutual friends and it is more than okay to ask your mate for some help! It doesn't make you pathetic at all, on the contrary you're making good use of your social networks in order to expand them
I thought I'd pull out this bit too:
^^This holds a lot of weight too I think, with anything that feels scary there is a point at which we just have to go for it. It's not easy and it might not always turn out how you hoped but learning how to cope with failure and rejection is all part of dating too and it only helps you to get to know what you're looking for.
If you like getting out to see bands I wonder if you and your mate could travel to another nearby town to a gig or try out some places you might not usually go?
You talked quite a bit about the barriers to finding a relationship but it would be good to hear what's motivated you to want to get out there again too?
I don't think using dating websites is admitting failure as a human being- I met Dr Roll on a dating website- and as people get older it gets more likely you'll use those sorts of websites. I also think it is a good idea to ask your mates for help, if they know anyone or if they can help with profiles, etc. People meet people through people, at the end of the day, and leaning on your social circles is what friends are for!
If you're still lacking in a lot of confidence, maybe you should look at developing your social network before jumping into the dating scene. Get used to being out and about, get used to talking to and with boys, before jumping into dating and the pressures that brings. If you're not quite ready for a boyfriend stuff like MeetUp can be good, there's no way anyone can interpret interest as a sexual signal there.
Just remember that dating is meant to be fun too. Trust your spidey senses: if the bloke sounds like a cock, he's probably a cock.
I think it's difficult to put yourself 'out there' but I kept telling myself that as long as I was safe about it, the worse that would happen would be a bad date.
I know it can be difficult as well when your not use to going out with loads of people being there especially when it comes going out on the town, socialising in bars or having a few drinks in a pub. Sometimes these kind of places can either take some time to a just or depending how many times you go out as this can vary from person to person every time.
You have to remember that everyone feels shy and uncomfortable at times when it comes to new places but its how we go about it what changes us. You can be an outgoing person and still get shy or a very shy person, it doesn't matter who you are and what you do there will always be times when you don't feel as confident as you usually are.
However, it maybe a good idea to write down what your insecurities are, why you feel insecure and how you can go about changing your insecurities. You can list one at a time to begin with and try and put that action into practice. You may find practicing on your own will help you or having a friend to advice you might help more. Just remember that even if it doesn't go well first time then next time will. This can take time to practice but once you start overcoming your fears then you will more confident in no time.
I think just giving yourself a chance can help you get to know yourself more and let other people two.
I hope this helps x
Does that mean you're having casual sex with him? If so, I'd be interested in finding out what his seduction technique is.
Lack of confidence and self esteem is a big struggle for me at the moment but Im hoping that meeting new people will help with that as they wont have any preconceptions of me and I can just be myself.
Getting nervous around guys you fancy is normal Lexy: suddenly the flirting means something, there's something riding on it. Just try to remember that the pressure is all in your head: it's meant to be fun, even if it doesn't go anywhere. Easier said than done, but try to be yourself rather than double-guessing what he may or may not like. And remember that everyone likes bring flirted with, and it not going anywhere isn't because of something "wrong".
I think you're slightly missing the point in terms of how people benefit from this site - it's not about giving someone really specific practical information about how to be in a relationship with a very specific kind of person (something which you seem to be looking for from this community) it's more about providing reassurance and helping people to feel more confident about the choices they make to connect with people - and in that process, hopefully meet someone who they find attractive and enjoy being around. Lexi doesn't need to describe an ideal person for us to be able to respond to her - if anything that might limit the response.
I've deleted the posts that were derailing this thread and I'd be wary of assuming that everyone who manages to hook up with someone is using some sort of mystical 'seduction technique' for the most part people are just being themselves, hanging out and enjoying the process of getting to know someone who interests them.
I've tried being myself and hanging out on hundreds of occasions. At no point has it resulted in so much as a peck on the cheek, let alone sex. I'm puzzled as to why and how chatting inanely can put anyone in the mood for sex, let alone lead to intercourse. In any case, I can't do small talk. Even if I wanted to do small talk (which I don't), my brain won't let me. For me, conversation is about giving and receiving information. I have a serious, formal way of speaking which is considered grossly unacceptable in social situations and dating - where frequent banter, funny anecdotes and jokes (all of which I can't do) are de rigueur.
Do you think you act differently on the outside then you do on the inside? What I mean is sometimes we can all depending on any situation we find difficult in, act differently in a way we don't normally do.
From what we suppose to act on the outside is not we tend to do half the time meaning we can get really shy or we can talk so much due to nerves and fears. Although the person cant see what were like on the inside so they can only go with what they can see.
It may sound like to me this is common problem with you everytime you go out which can resort to other people not really noticing that this isn't you and your only like this when your in a new environment.
Maybe what you really want people to see is you being chatty and a bit flirty which is the real you but it's hard when they don't see that. Especially when it comes to meeting guys.
There maybe other problems aswell then just the nerves and fears therefore if you could tackle those hiden problems first what starts to happen before the nerves and fears comes in then there could be a chance were others can get to know you.
Do you think you there's anything what can help you next time when your in a situation like this? What do you do when you have a bad day?
Remember if you dont feel like talking then writing down your feelings and thoughts is always good. You could try writing the problem down and then thinking of a way to rethink about in a more positive way. It's doing what you think will help.
You might find this website helpful called anxietyuk.org.uk which has lots of information and advice on anxiety,panic attacks and what happens when were anxious, what can we do to feel less anxious, who can we go to when we feel anxious. Do you think this might help you to find a more about these issues?
Please keep reaching out x
x
Well im still pretty much in the same place as when i posted except that I am signed up to online dating and have been chatting to a few people, even talked about meeting up with a couple, we just need to actually arrange a date.
This is where I go wrong though. Just the thought of it sends my anxiety through the roof and it puts me off going any further than chatting online or via text. I want to start very very casual because ive been single so long, i certainly dont want to rush anything but, for me, even one date is quite…. involved.
All these thoughts keep going through my day like what do i do if i dont like him, or worse, what do i do if i do like him? Thta terrifies me that i might actually end up in a relationship, as much as i want to. I think part of me wants to sabotage this whole thing so i dont have to put myself out there and potentially be happy or get hurt again.
And how do you go about dating more than one person? I need help
Even though it's hard, I think you just need to bite the bullet and go for it. You could be honest and say you have anxiety of getting back into dating and meeting for the first time, if the person is understanding then it's better, wouldn't you want to date someone whose chilled about that?
But when I date someone I keep it casual, no meals, no movies (boring anyway) and outdoors in public, so there's background noise and possibly no awkward silences - but not too crowded you have to shout and have people hear your conversations. We just go for a walk, or in the past I've been ice skating, snow boarding, zip lining etc. I like to do fun things that push you a bit more, and even though there's more chance you'll make a fool of yourself (in the case of falling when ice skating) I find it relaxing and allows me to be even more comfortable around someone because the chance of them embarrassing (even though it's not really, just can't think of a better way to phrase it) themselves by falling or whatever, is the same, and you can always laugh it off and joke about it (or at others who fall haha). Perhaps try something similar to those situations so it's less "date-y" and just having a good time with someone?
I certainly understand the anxiety after limited human interaction, but just with the rollercoaster you have to keep in mind that nothing bad is gonna happen and nothing is gonna change if you keep pussying out.
The last girl I went on a date with dropped me a line on Wednesday on a dating website. I have a funny/not serious paragraph on what my ideal friday evening looks like and she said "lets go spend such a friday evening." On thursday she told me she is bored, lets meet. I have barely exchanged more than an hour of PMs back and forth with her. My heart was racing, my palms were sweaty, Mum's spaghetti, but I thought if I made up a bullshit excuse to not go I will regret it later. So I just went to the date like a Halloween ghost house, spooked out, but confident that it's not gonna be a negative experience. Honestly this is the only thing that works against anxiety, Just fucking do it, Nike©.
The nerves get better, promise. Once you went through your first date you feel familiar ground under your feet.