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confusion

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
This is just a rant... But I've been with my partner for 3 years April and have been angaged a year in April... I'm happy with him cause he provides me with stability and always here to cuddle me when I need them.
However, my friend recently came home from working abroad, and we have come a little closer than planned... He is lovely too... And admitted today that he likes me back....

I'm wanting to sit in the corner and cry... I feel like a whore (excuse my language) but I have my partner who I'm happy with but I want the other guy too... Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me a whore? Am I horrible?

Me and the other guy have been flirting, and I know I'm a flirty individual and so does my partner.. My partner understands that I'm flirty and trusts me that I won't do anything stupid... Which makes me feel a little better but me and the other guy were speaking about boundaries and he wouldn't mind having benefits, so when I see him next.. Will would happen?

I want it to happen but I don't want to hurt my partner or this other guy...

Help ?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Ocean, welcome to the boards. :)
    Does this make me a bad person?
    No.
    Does this make me a whore?
    No.
    Am I horrible?
    No.

    Being attracted to another guy or wanting to see said guy is fine. We all experience this at some point and it's nothing short of natural. After all we can't help who we like, right?

    What you do need to really think about, though, is what you do from this point forward. Do you have history with this 'friend'? Bear in mind the novelty feeling a new person can bring. You might like the change but a long term relationship is much more than that. How happy are you with your current parter, do you love him? By the sounds of it you have a good relationship, and 3 years of one isn't something that should be left lightly. But on the flip side, the fact that you've been talking to this guy about boundaries and benefits does almost suggest that you're not completely comfortable where you are. A new arrival can sometimes give people the kick they need to realise that their relationship isn't what they really want.

    You ask what will happen the next time you see this 'friend'. That is solely down to you. It's pretty clear that this guy wants more from you than friendship so think about what you might be getting yourself in to. Your current partner probably won't be totally blind to any 'benefits' you might end up getting in to together as well so I would think twice before doing something on the quiet.

    My honest advice would be to spend time thinking about what you really want. Love triangles can get very messy very fast if people aren't open about how they're feeling and things start going on behind closed doors. I would say, too, that staying with your current partner and having a friend with benefits (without his knowledge) is very dangerous territory. Otherwise, it opens all of you up to getting hurt, however tempting it is to have your cake and eat it too. :rolleyes:

    Keep us posted :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey mike

    There is no history between me and the other guy. Think it is because I've started my placement at uni and now basically full time working and my partner works full time too... So we don't see each other as much anymore and this other guy appears and we talk 24/7... This does make sense or am I bullshitting myself?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am going to assume that your relationship is monogamous. You are treading over the line of emotional cheating on your boyfriend and this is NOT OK. Just because you haven't actually done anything physical with the friend (and don't kid yourself, this is not a friendship. I doubt he would be totally cool when you say "I came to my senses and it was inappropriate to my bf what we discussed, so everything we discussed is off the table."), does not mean you are not betraying your boyfriend. You either break up and give the new guy a go, or you put an end to those shenanigans with the other dude ASAP. All of what you did is absolutely break-up worthy, imho, and I would not stand for it, being your boyfriend, so you better sit down and make up your mind of what you actually want, you can't have it both ways.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey OceanBreezeDreams :wave:

    Thanks for sharing, of course you're not a bad person, people can't help the way they feel. In fact, well done for stopping and thinking about what you want before acting on anything :thumb: Great advice from MikeS, there's no shame in wanting to have your cake and eat it too, but by acting on it, there's a risk that all involved will get hurt.

    Does your friend knows that you're in a relationship? If he does, perhaps ask yourself if this is the type of person you want to risk it all for :chin:

    Remember that you are completely in control of the situation and nothing has to happen unless you choose for it to be that way. Spend some time assessing how you feel and if you love your current boyfriend; is it possible that you might feel this way because you and him haven't been able to spend as much time together recently? Do you think your attraction to this other guy might be to do with the fact that he's around to chat all the time? Maybe spend some quality time with your boyfriend, give everything some thought and then see how you feel, keep posting :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello there :)

    It seems that you are very confused at the moment, which is understandable in your situation. In fact, we all experience emotional confusion from time to time because humans are not very simple creatures. So, it is completely normal! :)

    I agree with Redrose, it is great that you are reflecting on the situation you are in, and it is also good that you are thinking about how everyone would be affected by your decisions in this case. It shows that you are a caring person and a sensitive soul, so you are difinitely not a bad person! :)

    However, humans are weak sometimes and they like to dive into temptations because they seems exciting (maybe adventorous) and fun. But you need to think carefully (Is it worth risking everything?) before you do that. So, like everyone else said, a good thing for you right now would be to take some time off and find out how you feel about each person - your current boyfriend (fiance, if I understood correctly) and your tempting new friend. Take your time, dont rush and see what your answers will be. Dont forget you have been for quite a while with your fiance! ;)

    I also found some quite interesting articles to read for you, which might be useful. Have a look if you are interested:
    http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/relationships/how-not-to-cheat-3490.html
    http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/relationships/when-is-it-cheating-4491.html
    http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/relationships/should-we-break-up-4514.html

    Im sending you a virtual hug! Keep being strong & patient, and update us! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks strubble S - you make me sound like i am a whore.... you make the guy sound like a whore.... i came here for advice, not to be called a whore.

    Redrose - Yes, he knows i am in a relationship. He also isnt guna do anything unless i give the OK (which i havent), i asked him this after MikeS suggested it.

    elyte - Thanks, i will read those when i have a spare 5 minutes.

    TBH - i think i will go with it, there are other complications in my life which could be linking in with this, so i will leave it for the moment. thanks everyone x x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks strubble S - you make me sound like i am a whore.... you make the guy sound like a whore.... i came here for advice, not to be called a whore.

    Nowhere in my post did I come anywhere close calling you names, but you called yourself a whore in your original post (or at least that you feel like one). It sounds like you are projecting your self-loathing onto other people.

    But yes, let's say I - or let's go out on a limb here: the vast majority of people in the history of humanity - do not appreciate people who cheat.

    Maybe this simple thought experiment helps: Imagine your boyfriend has a female friend that is to him like your friend is to you. Would you even be REMOTELY okay that he entertains contact and escalates things with her? If the answer is no, then I suggest you start to treat your boyfriend like you want to be treated.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Redrose wrote: »
    Thanks for sharing, of course you're not a bad person, people can't help the way they feel. In fact, well done for stopping and thinking about what you want before acting on anything :thumb: Great advice from MikeS, there's no shame in wanting to have your cake and eat it too, but by acting on it, there's a risk that all involved will get hurt.

    :yes: :thumb:
    TBH - i think i will go with it, there are other complications in my life which could be linking in with this, so i will leave it for the moment. thanks everyone x x

    Sometimes other aspects in our lives can affect how we feel about specific situations. Taking a mental step back from everything can help.

    It could be worth exploring these complications you mention that are affecting your decision and how you currently feel.

    Feel free to post another thread about it when/if needed or to continue on this one *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think we are sorted...

    other guy and myself have agreed to no physical contact, maybe cuddles because i love my cuddles. We both just like that we have someone to talk to all day, and we support each other. I believe that we have come this close because of this, and he fully understands that i will never cheat on my partner. We are both flirty individuals, and just for the record - my partner knows this, he dont care about words but if anything physical happened then no.

    thanks everyone. xx
    virtual hugs
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Great to hear you've got things sorted! :)
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