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Trying to put things into words.
Animalloverb
Posts: 578 Incredible Poster
Everything I try to build gets knocked down. Every time I think I’ve made progress, something crashes into it and I’m back at the beginning again. So I build walls instead , not because I want to, but because it’s the only way I know how to survive anymore. And the worst part is that those walls don’t just keep pain out, they keep everything out.
I carry trauma that doesn’t heal. Not the kind people talk about like it’s a chapter you close or a lesson you learn from. This is the kind that lives in my body, in my reactions, in the way I flinch at things I can’t explain. I’ve tried to move on. I’ve tried to be “better", but it doesn’t leave It follows me into everything and reminds me that some damage doesn’t disappear just because you want it to.
I’m so tired of rebuilding myself, i am tired of being expected to act normal when my nervous system is constantly on edge. I am tired of pretending that time fixes things when all it’s done is teach me how to hide how broken I feel.
Every wall I build is proof that something hurt me deeply enough that I couldn’t stay open anymore, and I hate that because I don’t want to be closed off, angry, distant, or guarded. I just don’t know how to exist without armor when life keeps proving that I need it.
I feel stuck between wanting to heal and knowing I don’t know how. Between wanting connection and being terrified of it. Between surviving and actually living and right now it feels like I’m only doing the first one.I’m exhausted from carrying pain that never asked permission to live inside me. And I’m angry that I’m expected to be okay just because I’m still standing.
I’m hurting in ways I don’t know how to fix.
And pretending otherwise is killing me slowly
I carry trauma that doesn’t heal. Not the kind people talk about like it’s a chapter you close or a lesson you learn from. This is the kind that lives in my body, in my reactions, in the way I flinch at things I can’t explain. I’ve tried to move on. I’ve tried to be “better", but it doesn’t leave It follows me into everything and reminds me that some damage doesn’t disappear just because you want it to.
I’m so tired of rebuilding myself, i am tired of being expected to act normal when my nervous system is constantly on edge. I am tired of pretending that time fixes things when all it’s done is teach me how to hide how broken I feel.
Every wall I build is proof that something hurt me deeply enough that I couldn’t stay open anymore, and I hate that because I don’t want to be closed off, angry, distant, or guarded. I just don’t know how to exist without armor when life keeps proving that I need it.
I feel stuck between wanting to heal and knowing I don’t know how. Between wanting connection and being terrified of it. Between surviving and actually living and right now it feels like I’m only doing the first one.I’m exhausted from carrying pain that never asked permission to live inside me. And I’m angry that I’m expected to be okay just because I’m still standing.
I’m hurting in ways I don’t know how to fix.
And pretending otherwise is killing me slowly
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