(Suicidal rant) CBD has let me down

bignosegirly0

My autism makes me highly emotional. And I have poor emotional regulation. Hence, I cry a lot, even at work which is humiliating.

Nothing has worked. Mindfulness doesn’t work. CBT doesn’t work. I wanted to get on medication to regulate myself. But since I’m unable to drive myself to my GP to get medicated and my family won’t let me, I thought CBD would help.

For most of the time, it had helped. But during the busiest shift where I keep making mistakes, I ended crying because all I could think about is how useless and dumb I am. I was convinced that I couldn’t cry at all on CBD and was glad. But now I realise how wrong I am. Because I am bawling my eyes out as I’m writing this.

I’m too soft for this world. I wish I was dead. I don’t want to live a life where everything makes me cry, because that’s all I’m fucking good at. I’m such a useless piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to be in this world. I deserve to kill myself, because I never get anything right. I don’t deserve anything

Sian321

@bignosegirly0 , thank you for making this post. It sounds like things are feeling very overwhelming right now, and that thought of being 'useless' or 'not getting anything right' sounds so painful. We're here, we're listening, and we take these feelings seriously.

I can hear a really strong sense of self-frustration right now, as though you don't deserve anything good, and you're 'too soft' for the world. It sounds like you're almost feeling like you need to punish yourself, or like you wish so badly that things could be different or that you could change certain things about how you feel or cope? I appreciate its so, so hard when you've got this inner critic telling you that it's 'useless' to cry, however, your emotions here are completely valid and deserve to be listened to. It truly does sound so difficult not being able to speak with your GP about medication, when that's a kind of support you're really hoping for and wanting.

Thinking about this evening, how might it feel to reach out to a service such as SHOUT to be able to get some more in-depth support and space to explore these feelings? Our volunteers are here for you 24/7, and you'd be welcome to text them anytime so you don't have to be alone with these feelings - https://giveusashout.org/.

Can I also ask you how able you feel to keep yourself safe, and if so, what kinds of activities might help you keep safe tonight?

I'll share some resources below:

https://peerchat.link/15grounding
https://peerchat.link/kinderworld_app
https://peerchat.link/papyrus

bignosegirly0

@Sian321 yeah I wish I had power over my emotions. Or atleast I wish I had power in hiding how I feel. I don’t care if I’m crying alone where no one will know. But when it’s in public or at work, it gets to a point where it feels pathetic, especially at 21.

I’m unable to kill myself because I’m with my family tonight. We’re having dinner soon and we’ll be watching our favourite show, ‘Married At First Sight’ tonight.

Sian321

@bignosegirly0 , I hear you. It sounds like there's some shame there maybe? - that feeling of being 'pathetic', or wishing so much that you could have the power to conceal your feelings. It also sounds really overwhelming feeling like your emotions are out of your control sometimes, as though you have to surrender to them, and you don't get a say about when they rise up, or how they spill out. Like the waves come without any warning, and you just have to find ways to hold on till they calm again. I can imagine that feeling really vulnerable, and we appreciate you sharing here.

How do you think things would be different for you if you hid your emotions? And when and where would you say you feel most safe to cry or express yourself emotionally?

Thank you for letting me know that tonight you are physically safe, though I hear that doesn't take away from just how distressing this is.

You're doing so well to make a post and share about this. That can be so hard to do when we're in the middle of these waves.

bignosegirly0

@Sian321 theres a lot of shame. Things would be so much better if I could hide my emotions. I wouldn’t be an easy target. People wouldn’t see me as weak / sensitive / soft etc. I would be able to stand up for myself. I would be a lot tougher. The best place for me to cry is alone. Because it doesn’t affect anyone. No one can see me at my most vulnerable moments and I could hide behind a tougher persona, even if it’s not real.

Invisible_me

bignosegirly0 wrote: »

@Sian321 yeah I wish I had power over my emotions. Or atleast I wish I had power in hiding how I feel. I don’t care if I’m crying alone where no one will know. But when it’s in public or at work, it gets to a point where it feels pathetic, especially at 21.

I’m unable to kill myself because I’m with my family tonight. We’re having dinner soon and we’ll be watching our favourite show, ‘Married At First Sight’ tonight.

Hi. Ive read your posts, you are not alone in crying at work- i have autism to! Struggle regulating emotions, definitely! Have crying episodes, sensory overloads. Ive lost count how many times ive had a overload/episode at work now and co workers, managers noticed- ive even blasted before getting to a 'safe place'. It feels exposing vulnerable but its nothing to beat yourself over it! We all cry and we are all allowed to cry. Crying is a way of releasing emotions which is a healthy response.