Therapy cant fix me, i am fucked

bignosegirly0

I was planning on deleting my whole account, but i wanted to make one more post before i leave.

Either my current therapist is fucking useless, or im unfixable. No fucking solutions is ever fucking offered. All we do is fucking chat for 50 minutes and I pay for another session.

Dont get me wrong, it's nice to vent to someone. but I'm paying to be fixed. A part of me fears that there is no solution for me, and I'm fucked.

These are my main issues which I deal with on a daily basis:

•mourning over the fact I'll never experience love because of my appearance, based on several experiences from childhood to adulthood, and my current workplace which reminds me of how undesirable I am in the real world.

•mourning over the fact that I'll never have worth due to my looks, again, based on several experiences and psychological studies proving how pretty privilege can massively impact someone's life and worth positively.

I've been jobsearching since last summer and got no luck, and my therapist even states that "I must feel trapped".

I fear that the reality is that I can't be fixed. There is no hope for me, and I've wasted so much money over nothing.

Azziman

Hi @bignosegirly0, thank you for sharing how you feel with us. I can hear your frustration with the therapist, and that you're not getting the outcomes you were looking for. How do you feel your therapist could be supporting you better when it comes to solutions - for example, are you looking for practical solutions that you can do right now? If you're not happy with your current therapist, would you consider looking for a different one to see if they can support you better? We're here to listen to you.

bignosegirly0

@Azziman I would like to come up with ways to cope with these depressing parts of my life by no longer letting it affect me emotionally.

I want to be okay with never finding love or having worth based on my looks.

I want to be bulletproof when men drag me down for my appearance.

Because it will never go away, so the best thing to do is to no longer be bothered with it.


I may go for a different therapist. The only issue is that she’s the cheapest one, and the rest are £50-£70, and I’m already spending £50 on driving lessons. Still, it is something I may consider.

Katie

Hey @bignosegirly0

I'm hearing that whilst having a space to vent about your life may help alleviate some of your emotions, what you're actually looking for is practical support and tools to help you cope. You've done really well to identify what your needs are and how they're not being met. I wonder if you would feel comfortable speaking to your therapist about how you're finding the sessions?

It also sounds like changing your therapist could be an option but it may cost you more, which definitely isn't ideal. How long have you been going to your current therapist if you feel comfy sharing? I'm also wondering if you've had these feelings about the therapy from the start or if you've only recently started feeling like your needs aren't being met?

Based on what you've shared here, I wonder if you've tried out The NHS' self-help guide to building self esteem using cognitive behavioural based techniques. It's a booklet which can be accessed online or printed off. It explains how low self-esteem can affect people, how it develops, and what keeps it going. Practical self-help methods for overcoming low self-esteem are introduced in the booklet so you can learn to use them yourself, and there are different activities for you to have a go at. Do you think this would be useful for you? If so, here's the link to access the booklet: https://www.hpft-talkingtherapies.nhs.uk/sites/default/files/2020-12/Low Self-esteem.pdf

I'll also pop some organisations down below which offer practical help for mental health support:

The Mental Health Foundation provides a guide to mental health, current issues, and treatment options as well as tips on how you can look after your mental health. Their website is www.mentalhealth.org.uk

Body & Soul have a service called MindSET where they offer free online mental health support delivered by therapists and young people through science, creativity and community. They have free, live, online sessions, videos, animations and podcasts. MindSET delivers effective, concrete skills to help young people manage emotional distress, which are also useful for those at risk of self-harm and suicide. Their therapeutic team will help you to reduce and manage emotional distress and prevent harmful behaviours. To register to the live streams head to http://bodyandsoulcharity.org/sharethelove/ You can also contact them at 020 7923 6880 or email enquiries@bodyandsoulcharity.org

My Possible Self is a mental health app that helps you to take control of your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. This includes managing stress, anxiety and depression. It has been designed by professionals using CBT techniques that have been approved by the NHS. It is available for free from https://www.mypossibleself.com/ or from the Apple and Android app stores.

bignosegirly0

@Katie i may bring this up with her, but I will have to discuss other important things first.

For context, I had a panic attack at work today and disrupted my shift when my coworkers needed me the most. I tried mindfulness like breathing slowly and naming what’s around me, but it didn’t work. So I will ask her for a different technique.

I’ve been seeing her since July. I knew things weren’t going to be fixed straight away. I knew we would have sessions where I need to explain EVERYTHING and what’s wrong with me, in order for her to decide what’s best with me. But it feels like every lesson is just us chatting and that’s it. I enjoy venting and going in deeply, but I wish there was more solutions.

I’ll give the booklet a try, thank you.

Katie

Hey @bignosegirly0 how are you feeling after your shift yesterday? It sounds like it was a pretty tough one and you was struggling a little bit with regulating your emotions after your panic attack. Was there anything in particular that brought the panic attack on if you feel comfortable sharing? This definitely does sound important to bring up to her and hopefully she'll be able to offer you some solutions.

I'll also pop some free apps down below which can help support you in the moment when you're experiencing anxiety and panic attacks:

Chill Panda is an NHS app that helps young people to better understand their stress and shows you ways to help them cope and feel better. They have breathing exercises, yoga sessions, exercises and calming games to help you with anxiety. The app is available for download on the Apple app store and Google Play for Android. It is also available on the Nintendo Switch. Find out more information on www.chillpanda.co.uk

Sorted: Mental Health (previously known as Feeling Good) is an app that has a range of audio programmes designed to increase your wellbeing and resilience to stress. The NHS approved app incorporates breathing, positive reappraisal and visualisation techniques to help you manage the physical symptoms of stress and anxiety. To find out more you can visit https://www.feelinggood.app/ or download the app from the Apple or Android app stores

My Possible Self is a mental health app that helps you to take control of your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. This includes managing stress, anxiety and depression. It has been designed by professionals using CBT techniques that have been approved by the NHS. It is available for free from https://www.mypossibleself.com/ or from the Apple and Android app stores.

I wonder if you feel like you've made any progress with your therapy from the sessions where you do vent to her and explain everything or do you still feel how you did in July?

bignosegirly0

@Katie I felt horrible after my shift and had another panic attack which was a lot worse and went on longer to the point where I felt I couldn’t breathe properly.

Because of the school holidays, my workplace has been packed with families and massive groups visiting our place, making everything hectic and due to the swiftness and high stress, that’s what triggered my panic attack. In addition to worrying about what type of customers I would have to encounter.

I don’t think I made any progress. Most of the time, it’s just us talking, and it makes me feel like I have no hope

Also, thank you for the recommendations 🫶

Katie

Hey @bignosegirly0 I'm hearing you had another panic attack that was even worse than the other one. This sounds really emotionally exhausting and maybe even a little scary. It sounds like your workplace being really busy might be what's bringing these panic attacks on and that definitely makes sense as it can increase stress and panic. Is your workplace good at supporting you when this happens?

I'm also hearing you're feeling like you're not making any progress with your therapy and just talking about how you're feeling might not be helping you too much. I can imagine how disappointing it might feel after you've done so well to reach out for support but feel like you're not getting anywhere. From what you've explained it does sound like maybe you're wanting practical help right now so it may be worth discussing this with your therapist. When will you next be seeing your therapist?

No worries about the recommendations either! I hope those apps can help you a little bit when you have panic attacks because you deserve support and practical help.

bignosegirly0

@Katie my workplace are good at supporting me, but at the same time, I’m very suspicious. Because a lot of the times when someone breaks down, people talk badly about them behind their back and then put on a completely different mask when they’re around. When I tell my therapist about my workplace, she states it’s a very toxic environment. Unfortunately, I haven’t had any luck in getting a new job.

I’ve talked about my recent panic attack and she actually helped me make a plan for preventing them in the future, because she says that once you’re experiencing a panic attack, it’s really difficult to get out of one. I’ve been experimenting with different techniques that she recommended and she also wanted me to write how I feel for the next few days at work. I’m really glad she’s supporting me. I’m guessing the main reason I wasn’t offered a lot of solutions was because the issues I was discussing didn’t have much of a solution, such as:

“I often feel unworthy and unlovable due to my toxic workplace” - “I go though job applications, but I keep receiving rejections”

Katie

@bignosegirly0 it sounds like maybe you feel like the support your workplace gives you is a little ingenuine and fake as you've seen them talk badly about other workers before after they've broken down, even though they did support them in the moment. This sounds really tricky and I get the impression that it might make you feel like you can't be completely honest with them when you are struggling out of fear of them speaking badly about you behind your back. You've also done really well to speak to your therapist about it and I hear that she thinks it's a toxic environment, but I appreciate that the job market at the moment is a bit up and down, and it can be quite hard to find a different job. Are you looking for a new job in the same area of work or are you wanting to try something different?

Also it's great to hear your therapist has been able to offer you practical help and a plan for when you experience panic attacks. How are you finding the different techniques she's recommended? Are any of them working well?

I also hear that maybe the reason why she wasn't offering solutions before is because what you were talking to her about wasn't something she had a solution for, but you was able to have the space to vent about it. This makes sense but I hope this is a turning page for you to now explore solutions with her! Are you feeling any better about her therapy now she's started offering practical help?

bignosegirly0

@Katie im looking for a job either in catering, retail or creative related work. I’ve tried each technique, and unfortunately it didn’t work. What I’ve figured is that I struggle mostly with racing thoughts, which makes it difficult for me to calm down.

However, what works best for me is visual techniques. I came up with a new technique to list random things repetitively to stop the troubling thoughts. As an example, I would list random colours or months repetitively - ‘red, orange, green, blue, pink’ ‘January, February, March…’ etc.

It has been helping a lot, but I want to see whether it would help during busy or stressful environments.

But overall, I’m glad she’s offering practical help now.

Sian321

@bignosegirly0 thank you so much for these messages, and I just wanted to jump in and to say that it sounds really, really positive how you're noticing which parts of your experience feel hardest and practicing these visualising techniques to feel calmer in those moments. It sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness around this, and I really hear that part of you that's wanting to feel safer.

One technique I've heard of that reminds me of your listing-technique is to choose a random word, e.g. Elephant, and then to go through each letter in your mind naming an object / place / person that stands for each letter, e.g. E - Egg, L - Lamp, E - Eloise - P - Phone, etc.

It sounds like these have been helpful tools to have in your back pocket for difficult moments!