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I saw the following on another forum... (TW - Low self esteem, Mental Health)
unheardquack
Posts: 14 Settling in
I saw the following body of text on another forum... Im not autistic (atleast i dont think so i dont have any diagnosis and im 21, turning 22 in less than 2 days but I relate to it fully, ill copy and paste it below, Does anyone relate? :
I Hate Being Autistic, and I Hate Myself for It
I don’t just hate being autistic.
I hate me.
I hate the way I talk — too fast, too much, too awkward. I hear myself speak and want to punch a wall. I see people’s eyes glaze over when I ramble, and I know I’ve lost them, again. I can’t stop, though. I never know when enough is enough. I don’t know how to be normal, and honestly? I don’t even know what “normal” is. All I know is that I’m not it.
I hate the way I freeze up in conversations, the way my body stiffens and my brain shuts down when things get too loud, too bright, too everything. I hate that I have to mentally prepare for basic stuff — going to a store, answering the phone, existing.
And the worst part? I know people are annoyed by me. I can feel it — even if they don’t say it. Every fake laugh, every “uh-huh,” every excuse to walk away... it all adds up. I’m not stupid. I know I make people uncomfortable. I’m the awkward one. The weird one. The one who says too much or too little or the wrong thing altogether.
And so I’ve started to hate my own presence. I ruin the mood. I ruin the silence. I ruin myself.
I watch people just be. And I wonder what it’s like to not constantly be performing. Because that’s all I do. I mask, I script, I fake reactions I don’t feel so that people won’t leave me. But they leave anyway. Because eventually the mask cracks, and what’s underneath isn’t something anyone wants to stick around for.
I know I’m a burden. I know I exhaust people. I know I take up too much space or not enough, never the right kind.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear not in a dramatic, crying-for-help way. I mean it quietly. Peacefully. Like if I just faded out of everyone’s life, things would get easier for them. Maybe for me
too.
I see the posts “Autism is a superpower,” “Neurodivergent and proud” and I want to scream. This doesn’t feel like a superpower. This feels like a punishment. Like I was built wrong and now I’m just supposed to be okay with that.
But I’m not okay.
I’m tired of pretending that I am.
I’m tired of trying to love a version of me that never felt lovable in the first place.
I’m tired of me.
I hate that this is how I exist. I hate how trapped I feel in my own head. I hate that no matter how much I try to explain, people still don’t get it. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be.
But I am.
And that’s the hardest part.
Sorry if this is a little long you dont even have to read everything i just had get if off my chest
I Hate Being Autistic, and I Hate Myself for It
I don’t just hate being autistic.
I hate me.
I hate the way I talk — too fast, too much, too awkward. I hear myself speak and want to punch a wall. I see people’s eyes glaze over when I ramble, and I know I’ve lost them, again. I can’t stop, though. I never know when enough is enough. I don’t know how to be normal, and honestly? I don’t even know what “normal” is. All I know is that I’m not it.
I hate the way I freeze up in conversations, the way my body stiffens and my brain shuts down when things get too loud, too bright, too everything. I hate that I have to mentally prepare for basic stuff — going to a store, answering the phone, existing.
And the worst part? I know people are annoyed by me. I can feel it — even if they don’t say it. Every fake laugh, every “uh-huh,” every excuse to walk away... it all adds up. I’m not stupid. I know I make people uncomfortable. I’m the awkward one. The weird one. The one who says too much or too little or the wrong thing altogether.
And so I’ve started to hate my own presence. I ruin the mood. I ruin the silence. I ruin myself.
I watch people just be. And I wonder what it’s like to not constantly be performing. Because that’s all I do. I mask, I script, I fake reactions I don’t feel so that people won’t leave me. But they leave anyway. Because eventually the mask cracks, and what’s underneath isn’t something anyone wants to stick around for.
I know I’m a burden. I know I exhaust people. I know I take up too much space or not enough, never the right kind.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear not in a dramatic, crying-for-help way. I mean it quietly. Peacefully. Like if I just faded out of everyone’s life, things would get easier for them. Maybe for me
too.
I see the posts “Autism is a superpower,” “Neurodivergent and proud” and I want to scream. This doesn’t feel like a superpower. This feels like a punishment. Like I was built wrong and now I’m just supposed to be okay with that.
But I’m not okay.
I’m tired of pretending that I am.
I’m tired of trying to love a version of me that never felt lovable in the first place.
I’m tired of me.
I hate that this is how I exist. I hate how trapped I feel in my own head. I hate that no matter how much I try to explain, people still don’t get it. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be.
But I am.
And that’s the hardest part.
Sorry if this is a little long you dont even have to read everything i just had get if off my chest
3
Comments
It's exhausting!
Its horrible and fustrating not being able to verbalise! Its invisible when people know what autism is but they can't see or hear the pain we go through! Thry cant imagine the overload senses cause us and the physical pain of this.
We may have difficulty understanding social cues, reading expressions but we somehow sense fustration and know they don't like us.
Its exhausting rehearsing scripts for everything for ehst though because then we cant vocalise it what we want to say even if we've spent hours preparing for it! Even just say a simple thing, assk a simple thing theres 10million apprehension behind it!
😢😢