(TW: Binging and Purging / Talk of Abuse + DV) I’m so tired of my life

sxmrxn

Today was shit. I had a binge yesterday and I panicked and purged - like how did I get like this? I woke up at 1am went downstairs and drank some water and had some food. Stayed awake until 4, and then finally fell asleep. I woke up fat and bloated and on my period of course. I didn’t want to get up- but I knew that if I didn’t my mum would ask why and all that stuff. So I went.

Maths was when it just got hard. These two boys who sit close to me were picking on this other boy who’s like not popular and they were joking saying things like ‘I bet your mum beats you’ I was like that’s so weird. And then one of the boys said ‘I bet (my name) grandad rapes her’ and they both started laughing. And I literally felt so embarrassed and sick and it was so random like why would that be the thing that comes into your head? And it’s completely untrue the boy knows nothing about my life or anything. So of course the teacher didn’t hear and she hates me because I talk in her class too much- so I asked her 10 times to go to the toilet before she let me. Btw after the boy said it I went completely silent and I could tell he was panicking because he was still laughing but said ‘why are you getting so mad it was just a joke!’ I went to safeguarding and told the safeguarding lady there and she said she’d sort it. I got 3/16 on my Spanish speaking exam. Which was fucking great. And I came home and binged. I’m just so tired and sick of being me right now. I wish I could just disappear.

And recently my mum opened up to me about something she went through when she was a teenager and I literally wanted to throw up. And I don’t know how to deal with it. She didn’t dump it on me or anything she said it with reason as to why she was so ‘strict’. And idk what to do- I just feel unsure about everything like I’m not even myself anymore- I’m just a shell.

Sian321

Hey @sxmrxn , how are you doing? Thank you so much for making this post here and for sharing what's been going on for you.

Today was shit. I had a binge yesterday and I panicked and purged - like how did I get like this? I woke up at 1am went downstairs and drank some water and had some food. Stayed awake until 4, and then finally fell asleep. I woke up fat and bloated and on my period of course. I didn’t want to get up- but I knew that if I didn’t my mum would ask why and all that stuff. So I went.

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This sounds really hard, and again, you're doing so well to open up about this. I wonder if there might have been something specific that triggered the urge to binge or that made today particularly shitty? I hear you asking, 'how did I get like this?' and that sounds really difficult - I hear some sadness in there and maybe some shock? Like it feels alarming to stop and take stock of what you're going through, and hard to know exactly how things have gotten to this place? We're here with you to listen entirely without judgement, and it sounds like things might have been very hard and you're trying to find ways to cope.

You talked there too about the two boys in your maths class making 'jokes' about your mum or grandfather abusing you. How did it make you feel when they made those statements?

I wish I could just disappear.

I hear you, @sxmrxn , and just how badly you want to stop feeling this way. Can I ask, what do you imagine 'disappearing' might look like? Can I check how safe you're feeling at the moment physically?

And recently my mum opened up to me about something she went through when she was a teenager and I literally wanted to throw up. And I don’t know how to deal with it. She didn’t dump it on me or anything she said it with reason as to why she was so ‘strict’. And idk what to do- I just feel unsure about everything like I’m not even myself anymore- I’m just a shell.

It sounds like learning this piece of information about your mum's past has been deeply distressing and upsetting to know - to the point it made you physically nauseus. That's extremely tough, @sxmrxn , and a lot to hold on your own too. I wonder if you've felt able to talk with anyone else about what your mum shared, or if it would feel helpful to talk it through somewhere? We're here for you, and thank you for your trust in all you're sharing.