struggling:( tw// mentions of suicidal thoughts

shannon_164

hey🙂

i’m not even sure why i am positing this to be honest as really, do i matter? no.

i feel worse than ever though. i’m so past the point of just being drained from life - i have no idea what this is, but it’s worse than ever. the past week all i have done is cry. i’m crying so much, and at times i end up throwing up from crying. i don’t want to go anywhere, do anything, be around anyone etc.

i’m meant to be in college today, am i finishing the course? i don’t even know. i’m not in class as instead, well im crying. i emailed my course coordinator yesterday while in the middle of what turned out to be over 3 hours of crying and said about what is the final date i can submit stuff and shared where im at / how im feeling. today she then had replied and had said she wants to speak to me - i don’t do well with conversations about how i feel etc so its gonna be hard. i guarantee i just end up crying and unable to even speak. the only positive is that the wellbeing officer that i like and that actually does listen to what i say etc, she is in today.

i was meant to have an appointment today at college too but long story short, they cancelled it because she’s not actually in and i then said there is no point then as it will be too late to have the conversation at the next date they could offer, now i have the appointment today still but at a different campus which im really anxious about because i haven’t been there before and its their busiest one. im also stressing about if it ends up how the last appointment i had did and they ended up getting wellbeing officer to speak to me because its a different campus with different wellbeing officers who i dont know - the only reason i was ok to speak to them the last day was because it was the wellbeing officer i knew already and she is so supportive and understanding but she wont be there this time if that happens.

i am just so so tired of everything at this point. i don’t know what im doing anymore - im literally just existing wishing i wasn’t here anymore. i just want to lock myself away from the world for now. i dont even have the relief of “well at least i have the appointment with the psychologist soon” because she’s abandoned me for a month and left me with no support in between:/ i am really not ok, i am only getting worse as time goes on but nobody will listen to me apart from the wellbeing officer i like, but i don’t want to bother her.

*to clarify, i am safe*

Azziman

Hey @shannon_164, thank you for sharing your feelings with us here. We see and hear you, and your feelings are valid, and you matter! I'm sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you lately - it sounds like you've felt very drained at the moment. I can hear how the college course coordinator conversation is causing some discomfort, though I hope you can meet them and the wellbeing officer so that you can speak to them about your experience and they can support you. Would it help if you were able to write down what you are going through (as you have here) and take that with you, if you're worried about crying and being unable to speak?

I can hear how the changing locations and time of your appointment is causing you stress as well. It feels reasonable to feel anxious about an unfamiliar and busy place with a different wellbeing officer to the one you know and get on well with. When you're in these anxious moments (like going to an unfamiliar place), is there anything that you've found that helps you to cope a little better?

It's okay to feel tired, and to not know what you're doing sometimes. You're doing your best to navigate through a difficult situation and challenging emotions, and that's the best we can ever do. I'm sorry that you didn't get the support you wanted - you deserve to be listened to and supported. Do let us know how you're feeling, we're here to support and listen to you through this difficult situation.

Rose113

Hey @shannon_164

I know you’ve said that you feel like you don’t matter however you do matter so much and I care about how you feel and everything you feel is always okay and valid

It sounds like your feeling extremely low with everything wearing you down and that sounds so difficult to cope with.

Im sorry that college have been awful in providing you support despite how many times you’ve reached out so I can understand that you feel like giving up with it all.

How did the meeting go if you’d like to share 💕

Also I’m really glad your safe

Sian321

@shannon_164 , how are you doing? Thank you so much for making this post. I really wanted to follow-up and check in. It sounds like parts of this week and last week have felt truly agonising and your body and mind have been completely exhausted - crying so hard that you throw up, and feeling totally drained from life. You feel lost and unsure where to go from here or how to carry on. And something about that feels beyond words - thank you for sharing with us.

I really do hear just how many appointments and communications you're having to juggle right now, Shannon, constantly chasing people up for the further support they have promised, or trying to advocate for yourself too. That feels like so much to be managing, on top of the anxiety of those in-person interactions or travelling between campuses.

It feels really powerful that in the middle of what you were going through you also emailed your course coordinator to ask for that help. Can I ask, how did your meeting with them go? And the wellbeing officer too?