Any advice on making friends for the first time at 23

DonnerKebab

Hello. So, long story short... i just turned 23 a few days ago, and i did some reflection and came to the conclusion that not only am i cooked.... I am boiled, fried, and roasted. Let me explain.

I grew up poor, with a severely autistic younger brother prone to extremely violent meltdowns against himself and my mum. My dad walked out from the very start, leaving us alone. So, at the age of 11, as my brothers meltdowns got even worse against my mum, i stepped in and started becoming like a 24/7 bodyguard for her, and a 24/7 carer for my brother. There was one time I had a lie in bed on a Saturday for fewer than 10 minutes, and in that ten minutes, it got so bad, my mum had to lock her self in the bathroom to stop him from harming her. I raced downstairs when I heard the commotion of him trying to break in to get her, and I got in-between him and the door, shuffled him away, and spent the rest of the day stopping him from getting at my mum. This was commonplace growing up for me, with meltdowns happening every few days. There was times like when we had to take my brother up to the hospital, i had to physically pull him off my mum 8 times in the span of an hour, and hold him back from getting her. This was commonplace. This meant i couldn't go out... socialise, hang out with friends... make friends.... or be a teenager or enjoy my late childhood. I stayed at home during university, and yeah. It was rough. Very rough. His meltdowns are nowhere near as bad now, and are subsiding a fair amount, but my mum has a breathing issue due to smoking, so yeah, I’m still having to take on the lion share of care even now, but i've been able to make more free time for myself if that makes sense. The meltdowns are the primary reason i had to stick around as a 24/7 carer on standby. Anyway, the UK hiring market is dead now for cyber security, so that was a wasted folly so i'm in huge amounts of student loan debt.... unable to get a job in cyber security.... no friends, never having ever had one, no relationships, i have been out admittedly but for 4 hours a year only since i turned 20 to a place called wingfest.... and there's nothing else. I've never been independent... never been myself.... never joined a club... socialised..... and i'm kind of screwed. There's a whole lot more, to the point that getting sold for a bottle of white lightning when i was 4 by my drunk uncle is considered the light stuff, and all of this is I’ve mentioned is barely 1/3 of it.... so yeah... I’m kind of screwed.... to the point i still have teddy bears. Mental Health hasn’t existed for me since I was 13 I’d say, so that’s not a concern, but my position right now is what I’d like to ask for your advice on. Again, there is a lot more, but I don’t want to unload everything at once. Any advice and you opinions would be much appreciated about starting to make friends for the first time at 23.

Redemption

You could maybe join a social club, I'm the same age as you and considering it myself

DonnerKebab

I was thinking of it as well. But because I live in a pretty small village, there isn't much around you know.

Redemption

DonnerKebab wrote: »

I was thinking of it as well. But because I live in a pretty small village, there isn't much around you know.

Fair enough, there's apps to find friends too like Yubo, I've not used it myself but it sounds ok. Do you have a job or study? If so you could try speaking to people at work or uni, college etc. You don't have to answer just seeing for insight a bit

DonnerKebab

I graduated Uni in November. And there's been no luck on the job front sadly. The IT sector seems dead now in this country. So it's sort of tricky. I was considering a masters degree in Applied Quantum Computing, but I want to get a job first to save for it rather than getting a masters loan. But again, zero luck on the job front.

Redemption

DonnerKebab wrote: »

I graduated Uni in November. And there's been no luck on the job front sadly. The IT sector seems dead now in this country. So it's sort of tricky. I was considering a masters degree in Applied Quantum Computing, but I want to get a job first to save for it rather than getting a masters loan. But again, zero luck on the job front.

Congratulations for graduating and good luck with getting a job. Hopefully you get mates too soon, you could maybe reach out to people from university too.

DonnerKebab

I didn't really get to know anybody at uni. It was finish up the class, and head straight home to be there for when my brother got back from school (special needs school transport brought him back, and he had a habit of having a violent meltdown on the school transport, which meant he'd often lash out when getting off the bus). Nothing outside of that, no parties, no hangouts, no clubs, just being a carer. Been that way since i was 11. It's only eased up a bit in recent months with the meltdowns which makes it possible, but now i'm out of uni, it's sort of difficult now, and my social skills are as dead as the Dodo's. And in terms of the job front, I've sent out over 100 applications at this point. It's a dead job market sadly, but hopefully that will change. But I do appreciate your congratulations and good luck message at the end. I really do appreciate it.

Sunflower123

Hey, this might be completely the wrong recommendation but have you considered looking at a completely different field of work. I know you are mainly talking about making friends but it sounds like getting a job is a big concern for you as well. I believe there are quite a lot of jobs as companions and helpers to the elderly or disabled. They can be short rides to the hospital or assistance with shopping, doing art activities etc... there is a huge range of jobs and you would be well qualified with your experiance. They can also be small jobs and you could pick up as many or as little as you need and you can pick when you do them so you can still get home to your mum and sibling. It might also help you to feel more sociable. When I started care I was so quiet and had no social skills. Being around people made me really anxious. I'm still anxious and I wouldn't say my social skills are amazing but it did really help me to come out of my shell and I feel a lot more confident. There are loads of advertisements for these types of jobs online and there is a huge need for carers so I don't think you would struggle to get a job.

Does your area have any clubs, sport events or gyms? Most of my friends have been made from church or work and I really don't have many even then. So I'm not sure how to find friends elsewhere really but you might find some friends at clubs especially if the ones you are joining are for things you enjoy doing, that way you already have a conversation starter and something in common.

DonnerKebab

Sort of good news update. I went to another annual wingfest event, got up on stage in front of several hundred and ate 3 of the worlds spiciest chicken wings, at 8 million scovilles, in the lava wing challenge. I recovered with a few friends i made who also went on stage on with me, and we spoke about the competition, where we're from, and had a cool chat. I then went toilet, bumped into another group of lads, had an awesome chat about everything from Wingfest Manchester which one of them went to, the Lava wing challenge, spicy stuff like vindaloo's, and we were all a bit tipsy. Did axe throwing with a few, honestly got treated like a king for partaking in the lava wing challenge, had a few girls even come up and flirt with me which was a first in my life, one with there boyfriend but i was able to turn it into a nice chinwag, and a few jokes. Got told by one girl i must be an absolute legend at parties and i clearly know how to have a good night out, and she started flirting (i've been to 4 wingfests total, and 1 Brian Cox event and that's all in my entire life, no parties). So all told, 4 girls flirted with me, including an Indian girl who beat me in the lava wing challenge, who actually patted my back behind stage whilst i was handling the spice and she told me I've got to come and try it again next year with her, and actually talked me through a bit of the spicy aftermath. I mean, i'm 6ft 2", decent looking, but with the confidence i showed going on stage, heck, that was an experience. I mean, it was crazy fun. Made friends on stage, behind stage, doing axe throwing, the toilet lol, off stage touring around. I'm actually on Wingfest's reels page on facebook, insta and tiktok now. Just look up Wingfest UK, and see the reel titled "Worlds Hottest Wings Claim Another Victim". Honestly, although it's the first 4 hours i've actually gone out this year outright, it was so much better than I expected. Sometimes all you need is a good moment to get you through difficult times. That's a moral booster if ever there was one.