Truly wanting this to change (trigger warning mentions of suicide)

Redemption

Since yesterday afternoon, I’ve been reflecting more seriously on my situation, and it’s really hit me how much I want things to change especially when it comes to getting into work. I’ve been applying for jobs for about a year now, and while I’ve had some support along the way, nothing has worked out so far. I do have something potentially coming up on Wednesday, but I can’t put all my hopes on it it’s not guaranteed, and they might choose someone else. What’s making it harder is this growing fear of being stuck like this long-term. It’s genuinely terrifying. I’m scared of staying broke, without a routine, direction, or any real future. I worry I’ll never be able to afford a home or find a meaningful relationship because, realistically, who would want to date someone who doesn’t have stability or clear goals?

I’ve told myself multiple times, “In a few months, things will be sorted.” But months go by, and nothing changes. Over six months ago, I was already scared of being in this same place and now it’s half a year later, and I’m still here. I thought the new year would bring a fresh start, but now we’re in April or May, and I’m still not where I want to be. I’ve been trying really hard — and people do notice that — but it’s painful to keep trying and feel like I’m not making progress. I hate this situation, and I just want to move forward, but right now it feels like I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do next. I have a deep fear that things won’t change, and I’ve had that fear ever since this all started. It’s honestly terrifying to think that this might just be my life — trying so hard and still not getting anywhere.

That fear has been growing lately, and it’s bringing some dark thoughts into my mind. I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve been scared that if things don’t improve, I could potentially become suicidal. What’s stopping me is the fact that I still have some belief things can turn around. I think about the future I could still have, and also how deeply it would affect the people around me if I ever acted on those thoughts. It would completely mess them up, and I wouldn’t want to do that. At the same time, I’m scared of death itself, scared I might regret it once it’s too late. I have no plans, I’ve never made any attempts, and I’m safe. But the thoughts come to mind, and I don’t want to throw the term “suicidal” around lightly because it’s such a serious thing — but these feelings have crossed my mind, especially when I feel stuck and hopeless. I’ve had similar thoughts in the past too, like before COVID, back when I was once in college and having a rough time — I remember a particular day just feeling overwhelmed, being treated badly, and feeling like I’d never be happy, and those thoughts came up then as well. That time eventually passed, things did improve, and I got through it. But now, being out of work and unhappy, those feelings have started creeping back again.

I’ve talked about it a few times over the past several months, and I know some things have changed slowly, but it’s scary that despite trying, I’m still not where I want to be. I’ve been thinking a lot more seriously about what my next steps are, because I can’t keep going in circles. I want to move forward, but I don’t know how much longer I can take being stuck.

It’s not like I’ve got any severe, complex issues — if I could just get a suitable job, the kind I’ve been looking for and stay in it, I really believe I’d be set. From there, I could start working toward other goals. This kind of situation is actually really common now so many people are struggling just to get into work. The hard part is that other people around me seem to be moving forward, getting jobs, and settling in, and I’m still where I was a year ago: looking. That’s what really hits me feeling left behind and starting to lose belief in myself. With everything that’s happened, it’s been really hard not to feel negative. I seriously want to see changes now. The pressure is on, and I know I need to turn things around. I’m not saying I want to jump into just anything I still want something suitable, something that has a chance of working out because I don’t want to end up back at square one. But at the same time, I think I’m quite open and willing to try things if they seem right. I just really want to get on the right track now and finally move forward with my life truly. I'm so sorry for being a broken record, repeating myself all the time, please allow me but everything here is always appreciated in terms of replies, virtual hugs etc. Things will change because I'll make them change and then I can stop whinging. Thanks do much ❤️