Truly wanting this to change (trigger warning mentions of suicide)

Redemption

Since yesterday afternoon, I’ve been reflecting more seriously on my situation, and it’s really hit me how much I want things to change especially when it comes to getting into work. I’ve been applying for jobs for about a year now, and while I’ve had some support along the way, nothing has worked out so far. I do have something potentially coming up on Wednesday, but I can’t put all my hopes on it it’s not guaranteed, and they might choose someone else. What’s making it harder is this growing fear of being stuck like this long-term. It’s genuinely terrifying. I’m scared of staying broke, without a routine, direction, or any real future. I worry I’ll never be able to afford a home or find a meaningful relationship because, realistically, who would want to date someone who doesn’t have stability or clear goals?

I’ve told myself multiple times, “In a few months, things will be sorted.” But months go by, and nothing changes. Over six months ago, I was already scared of being in this same place and now it’s half a year later, and I’m still here. I thought the new year would bring a fresh start, but now we’re in April or May, and I’m still not where I want to be. I’ve been trying really hard — and people do notice that — but it’s painful to keep trying and feel like I’m not making progress. I hate this situation, and I just want to move forward, but right now it feels like I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do next. I have a deep fear that things won’t change, and I’ve had that fear ever since this all started. It’s honestly terrifying to think that this might just be my life — trying so hard and still not getting anywhere.

That fear has been growing lately, and it’s bringing some dark thoughts into my mind. I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve been scared that if things don’t improve, I could potentially become suicidal. What’s stopping me is the fact that I still have some belief things can turn around. I think about the future I could still have, and also how deeply it would affect the people around me if I ever acted on those thoughts. It would completely mess them up, and I wouldn’t want to do that. At the same time, I’m scared of death itself, scared I might regret it once it’s too late. I have no plans, I’ve never made any attempts, and I’m safe. But the thoughts come to mind, and I don’t want to throw the term “suicidal” around lightly because it’s such a serious thing — but these feelings have crossed my mind, especially when I feel stuck and hopeless. I’ve had similar thoughts in the past too, like before COVID, back when I was once in college and having a rough time — I remember a particular day just feeling overwhelmed, being treated badly, and feeling like I’d never be happy, and those thoughts came up then as well. That time eventually passed, things did improve, and I got through it. But now, being out of work and unhappy, those feelings have started creeping back again.

I’ve talked about it a few times over the past several months, and I know some things have changed slowly, but it’s scary that despite trying, I’m still not where I want to be. I’ve been thinking a lot more seriously about what my next steps are, because I can’t keep going in circles. I want to move forward, but I don’t know how much longer I can take being stuck.

It’s not like I’ve got any severe, complex issues — if I could just get a suitable job, the kind I’ve been looking for and stay in it, I really believe I’d be set. From there, I could start working toward other goals. This kind of situation is actually really common now so many people are struggling just to get into work. The hard part is that other people around me seem to be moving forward, getting jobs, and settling in, and I’m still where I was a year ago: looking. That’s what really hits me feeling left behind and starting to lose belief in myself. With everything that’s happened, it’s been really hard not to feel negative. I seriously want to see changes now. The pressure is on, and I know I need to turn things around. I’m not saying I want to jump into just anything I still want something suitable, something that has a chance of working out because I don’t want to end up back at square one. But at the same time, I think I’m quite open and willing to try things if they seem right. I just really want to get on the right track now and finally move forward with my life truly. I'm so sorry for being a broken record, repeating myself all the time, please allow me but everything here is always appreciated in terms of replies, virtual hugs etc. Things will change because I'll make them change and then I can stop whinging. Thanks do much ❤️

Azziman

Hey @Redemption - thank you for sharing your feelings, it's brave to do. You don't need to apologise for talking about your emotions, we're here to listen and support you!

I can hear how much this situation is on your mind. It's really difficult when we feel stuck, both emotionally but also practically. You have goals and dreams, and when something like this feels like a big barrier, it can feel disheartening. It's completely fair to feel frustrated and upset with how things are going, and I'd imagine that the feeling is only exacerbated when comparing yourself to others who are moving forwards.

The good news, as you've mentioned, is that you have kept trying, and that you haven't given up. It's a really rough journey, and you've done ever so well to weather that storm and keep going forwards. And you're right, you're certainly not the only person who's in this difficult position - it's hard to get a job in the current environment. We're really proud of you for all the effort and time you've put into trying to achieve your goals. I'm hopeful that more opportunities will come your way. We're here to support you and listen to you as you go through this!

Redemption

Azziman wrote: »

Hey @Redemption - thank you for sharing your feelings, it's brave to do. You don't need to apologise for talking about your emotions, we're here to listen and support you!

I can hear how much this situation is on your mind. It's really difficult when we feel stuck, both emotionally but also practically. You have goals and dreams, and when something like this feels like a big barrier, it can feel disheartening. It's completely fair to feel frustrated and upset with how things are going, and I'd imagine that the feeling is only exacerbated when comparing yourself to others who are moving forwards.

The good news, as you've mentioned, is that you have kept trying, and that you haven't given up. It's a really rough journey, and you've done ever so well to weather that storm and keep going forwards. And you're right, you're certainly not the only person who's in this difficult position - it's hard to get a job in the current environment. We're really proud of you for all the effort and time you've put into trying to achieve your goals. I'm hopeful that more opportunities will come your way. We're here to support you and listen to you as you go through this!

Thanks so much again @Azziman was going to bump my threads including this one as I didnt get replies but you have now so that's great. Great reply again too of course, cheers mate.

Sian321

Hi @Redemption , how are you doing this morning? Thank you so much for this post, and I'd like to echo what @Azziman has shared here. You're doing so well to talk about this, and I appreciate it can take courage to open up in this way.

What’s making it harder is this growing fear of being stuck like this long-term. It’s genuinely terrifying. I’m scared of staying broke, without a routine, direction, or any real future. I worry I’ll never be able to afford a home or find a meaningful relationship because, realistically, who would want to date someone who doesn’t have stability or clear goals?

I hear you, @Redemption . To have been living in this place of uncertainity without a set routine for almost a year now truly sounds so demanding and emotionally-draining. You have had to be your own source of structure, motivation, and encouragement for a long time now, and I hear that's really been taking a toll. You're terrified about what it could mean to be stuck here forever - what if nothing ever changes? What if being unable to find a job means you are less desirable or able to find romantic connection? I hear you, and these sound like some really painful questions to be asking. It sounds like the structurlessness and uncertainity of this time in your life has left you questioning your potential maybe - would that be fair to say? We're here and we're listening.

I thought the new year would bring a fresh start, but now we’re in April or May, and I’m still not where I want to be. I’ve been trying really hard — and people do notice that — but it’s painful to keep trying and feel like I’m not making progress.

I see what you're saying, and it can be so anxiety-inducing sometimes when we feel like time is running away from us and the year is racing on without us. It sounds positive that you have felt like your efforts, diligence, and ambitions have been noticed by other people, because truly that is so evident. You said that you're afraid someone without 'clear goals' would not be able to enter into a relationship, and yet, I very much hear that you do have clear goals. And it feels really powerful to have such a clear sense of the things you want for yourself, though extreamly tough when they feel out of reach right now.

Thank you so much for opening up about thoughts of suicide, Redemption, and for sharing some more about your fears. You're being really brave to talk about this, and that fear of never being happy again or being perpetually stuck again sounds so distressing and frightening. I can hear that right now you do feel physically safe, and that the hope that things could change helps you day-to-day. That feels really significant, and it sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness around this and you're paying attention to your mind and your wellbeing.

When those thoughts of suicide do float up, has there been anything or anyone that helps to bring you comfort in the moment? During COVID too, it sounds like it might have felt like a bleak time. What was that like for you? And what helped you through that period in your life safely?

It’s not like I’ve got any severe, complex issues — if I could just get a suitable job, the kind I’ve been looking for and stay in it, I really believe I’d be set. From there, I could start working toward other goals.

I hear what you're saying, and at the same time, it sounds really tough right now to feel that other goals maybe need to be on pause until you secure paid-work. I wonder if there are any other ambitions you might have for yourself that it would be possible to work towards before / alongside securing a job too? I wonder if this might help it feel less that everything has to hinge on securing a job first, and therefore, helping to relieve some pressure? E.g. you have mentioned dating, and I wonder if it might be possible to allow yourself to explore this prior to securing a job? Or maybe there are other activities or fun goals you have for yourself such as taking a particular driving route / road-trip for a day that could bring a sense of joy in the here-and-now.

We're here for you, Redemption, and thank you again for opening up. I'll share below some resources for you to reach out to if ever you are struggling to cope. You don't have to face these feelings alone.

Samaritans - https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
Papyrus - https://www.papyrus-uk.org/
CALM - https://www.thecalmzone.net/
SHOUT 24/7 Text service - https://giveusashout.org/

Redemption

Sian321 wrote: »

Hi @Redemption , how are you doing this morning? Thank you so much for this post, and I'd like to echo what @Azziman has shared here. You're doing so well to talk about this, and I appreciate it can take courage to open up in this way.

What’s making it harder is this growing fear of being stuck like this long-term. It’s genuinely terrifying. I’m scared of staying broke, without a routine, direction, or any real future. I worry I’ll never be able to afford a home or find a meaningful relationship because, realistically, who would want to date someone who doesn’t have stability or clear goals?

I hear you, @Redemption . To have been living in this place of uncertainity without a set routine for almost a year now truly sounds so demanding and emotionally-draining. You have had to be your own source of structure, motivation, and encouragement for a long time now, and I hear that's really been taking a toll. You're terrified about what it could mean to be stuck here forever - what if nothing ever changes? What if being unable to find a job means you are less desirable or able to find romantic connection? I hear you, and these sound like some really painful questions to be asking. It sounds like the structurlessness and uncertainity of this time in your life has left you questioning your potential maybe - would that be fair to say? We're here and we're listening.

I thought the new year would bring a fresh start, but now we’re in April or May, and I’m still not where I want to be. I’ve been trying really hard — and people do notice that — but it’s painful to keep trying and feel like I’m not making progress.

I see what you're saying, and it can be so anxiety-inducing sometimes when we feel like time is running away from us and the year is racing on without us. It sounds positive that you have felt like your efforts, diligence, and ambitions have been noticed by other people, because truly that is so evident. You said that you're afraid someone without 'clear goals' would not be able to enter into a relationship, and yet, I very much hear that you do have clear goals. And it feels really powerful to have such a clear sense of the things you want for yourself, though extreamly tough when they feel out of reach right now.

Thank you so much for opening up about thoughts of suicide, Redemption, and for sharing some more about your fears. You're being really brave to talk about this, and that fear of never being happy again or being perpetually stuck again sounds so distressing and frightening. I can hear that right now you do feel physically safe, and that the hope that things could change helps you day-to-day. That feels really significant, and it sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness around this and you're paying attention to your mind and your wellbeing.

When those thoughts of suicide do float up, has there been anything or anyone that helps to bring you comfort in the moment? During COVID too, it sounds like it might have felt like a bleak time. What was that like for you? And what helped you through that period in your life safely?

It’s not like I’ve got any severe, complex issues — if I could just get a suitable job, the kind I’ve been looking for and stay in it, I really believe I’d be set. From there, I could start working toward other goals.

I hear what you're saying, and at the same time, it sounds really tough right now to feel that other goals maybe need to be on pause until you secure paid-work. I wonder if there are any other ambitions you might have for yourself that it would be possible to work towards before / alongside securing a job too? I wonder if this might help it feel less that everything has to hinge on securing a job first, and therefore, helping to relieve some pressure? E.g. you have mentioned dating, and I wonder if it might be possible to allow yourself to explore this prior to securing a job? Or maybe there are other activities or fun goals you have for yourself such as taking a particular driving route / road-trip for a day that could bring a sense of joy in the here-and-now.

We're here for you, Redemption, and thank you again for opening up. I'll share below some resources for you to reach out to if ever you are struggling to cope. You don't have to face these feelings alone.

Samaritans - https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
Papyrus - https://www.papyrus-uk.org/
CALM - https://www.thecalmzone.net/
SHOUT 24/7 Text service - https://giveusashout.org/

Hey @Sian321 . Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful message. It really means a lot to feel heard and supported like this. I appreciate you taking the time to really understand where I'm coming from. Your encouragement and suggestions have given me a lot to think about, and it's comforting to know I'm not alone in this. Thank you again for being so understanding and for offering your support it truly makes a difference.