Just lonely ramblings

AnonymousToe

I feel like crap and I’m not even sure why. I’m not at all productive, it’s 3am and going to bed feels pointless. I have so much uni work to do and I just feel like the worst student ever. I’m exhausted all the time. It’s partly overwhelm but I’m so shit at sleeping normally.

It makes me feel worthless. I’ve got this terrible relationship with grades where it’s really hard not to let them determine my worth completely. I feel like I’m useless if I’m not academically successful. And by that I mean academically perfect. I kind of just feel bad for existing because I’m not bringing anything good to the world. I’m just a drain on services and I’m scared that’s all I’ll ever be. I just want to matter I suppose. I have people who care about me and it means the world, but I feel like I don’t deserve them. I feel like I’m wasting their efforts.

Nothing feels right, I’m not sure who I am or what I want from life anymore. I think that’s just how it feels to start uni / be this age, but it’s hard. I have not got used to uni yet and it all feels so strange. It’s very surreal and it makes me feel like I’m going crazy, like I’m imagining the whole thing and I’m not properly connected to reality and other people anymore. I dont know lol. I just want life to feel normal again. I wish I could exist without feeling bad about my lack of productivity or lack of some other quality every person has but me.

Sian321

Hey @AnonymousToe , thank you so much for making this post. It can take real courage to open up even when we're feeling like crap, and you're doing really well to be talking about this.

You mentioned that you feel like you're useless if you're not being academically successful/ always productive, and this sounds like a huge amount of pressure to be under. I wonder, what's your sense of where that need to be academically 'perfect' is coming from? Am I hearing that its connected to that wish to feel like you matter, like you deserve the care that others feel towards you? That sounds really hard, @AnonymousToe , and I felt sadness too when I read your message there. That feeling of being a drain on services - as though you're fearful that you take but don't have something to offer in return? Would that be fair to say? That sounds extreamly difficult, and you are so worthy and so valid as exactly who you are right now. You're doing really well to put all these feelings down on 'paper' and we're right here with you to listen with no judgement.

It sounds like its also been surreal adjusting to uni life. Day-to-day, you feel disconnected from the reality around you, as though its a bit unreal maybe, and I hear that you're feeling lost too or directionless, unsure where you're going or what you want. That can be so overwhelming - crazy-making even as you described - esspecially when it feels like you don't have anything to necessarily hold onto. I wonder if there are any moments at uni where that feeling gets more intense, or eases a bit? What would feeling 'normal' again look like? When was the last time you remember feeling that way?

There's no pressure to respond to these questions - they're simply there for reflection. But we're here for you, @AnonymousToe , and I really hope that at some point today you can take a pause or do something simply because it makes you feel happy or comforted. You are so deserving of taking care of yourself and your worth extends beyond your productivity.