my hallucinations are coming back

In the past few days, I have been hallucinating again. This is a step back for me, but they're becoming more prominent in that the time span between the month(s) I hallucinate and the months I don't is getting shorter. The last I have recorded is somewhere around the middle of March. I will try and log significant occurrences so the dates of when I start and when I ends begins. Regardless, it seems the months in between my hallucinations are becoming shorter, which is a sign of regression or worsening of symptoms, in my opinion.

I've felt more depressed in the past few days, but my lack of motivation has improved now to where I am doing things. I found that making myself liable helps me to work. But I've been having a harder time focusing.

I digress. My hallucinations have been mostly visual as they always are, but there's been more auditory ones too. Most of them are not scary as of right now, but they're noticeable. They're like shadow whisps moving around. They're what I categorize as a 1-4, whereas a 5-7 is something that actually frightened me for a bit, and 8-10 are the ones that move towards me and that I freeze from. The auditory hallucinations have been less prevalent, but I sometimes hear adult male and female voices different from anyone I know and they usually speak in gibberish that I can't understand. I also hear footsteps, thuds, and other sounds of movement throughout the house.
I get paranoid and that's also been rising for me, too. I worry about everyone and their intentions. I wonder who is coming to harm me or worse. It often feels like I'm being targeted someway somehow by someone or a group of people. It often feels like there's cameras around my room or someone watching me on my computer, like the government or someone who wants to harm me.

I find it hard to discern reality from what's only in my mind since I feel disconnected. It's like I'm in a long nightmare that I'm waiting to wake up from but I can't and I don't know if I ever will. It's like I'm trapped in this other world where they linger. I'm a traveler of sorts and I've seen other travelers. I don't know if it's just in my head or not. I don't have any justification that they exist, but I also don't have any proof that they don't. I can't tell what it is. It's a nightmare, it's a simulation, it's a punishment from God because I am dirty and unworthy.

I don't know. I can't tell. Is anything I say coherent?

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Leyla

Hi there!

First of all, I want to say that this is definitely coherent and you've done so well to share all of these feelings in such a cohesive way when you have so much going on in your head right now, and it sounds like it would be emotionally draining to put this down and tell people.

What you are describing sounds so distressing and especially where you say there is no escape from it all because it's hard to tell what is real and what is not. You are so valid for struggling with this as it is not something you deserve to go through, and is something which sounds really hard to make sense of for you.

It sounds like you are quite clued up on all of this and even have your own sorting system for how distressing etc you find them, do you find that think is something that helps you make sense of it all in your own head?

I can imagine how exhausting it could be to be doubting everyone around you and their intentions, and the lack of control that could give you, does that sound right to you?

Your way of describing everything as being a traveller and seeing others is very illuminating and highlights the out of body sorts of experiences you are having, and it feels like it could be so scary and nightmare-worthy. Do you have any support system for all of this? It is a lot to be going through alone

I wonder if there is anything you can think of that triggers these spells and could explain the reason they are becoming more frequent for you?

Thank you for sharing, truly, you're doing great to keep trooping on with everything that is happening for you, and we are always happy to listen to you here at The Mix

PunchThe_Internet

Thank you @Leyla

I have a therapist I see weekly, but I don’t know what to do about the hallucinations. She speculated that they might be stress related, but I don’t think so. I feel like my stress levels have been stable and at a “normal” level. Other than that, I’m not sure. They seem to come untriggered or maybe I just don’t know what the trigger is. I really don’t know. Sometimes paranoia seems to be the trigger, but I don’t know what triggers the paranoia itself. It just happens, and I don’t know how to stop it or control it, so it ends up controlling me.

Yes, sorting and categorising thoughts and feelings helps me understand things—or at least apply some logic to things I don’t understand. It gives a sense of an answer, rather than leaving everything as simply “unknown.” But my thoughts are often scattered and disorganised. They’re all over the place, and it’s hard to focus sometimes.
Lately, I’ve been having more difficulty saying my thoughts out loud. I’ll think something clearly, but when I go to speak, it comes out wrong. I either mix up the words or swap the letters. It’s not hugely impactful in my day-to-day life, but it’s something I’ve noticed, and I feel like it’s gradually getting worse.

Anyway, as for being a “Traveller”, as I called it, it relates more to the other world. I believe there’s another world similar to ours that I somehow slip in and out of. That’s where the hallucinations are. So I’m a “Traveller” of sorts because of that. I’ve seen others- ones that don’t scare me as much. In fact, they’re almost comforting. The most recent was someone I called Muka. They had a sunflower for a head. I’ve also seen a cat with a clock for a face, named Clockswer. Both were oddly comforting, because they didn’t feel threatening. It’s as if they’re trapped in the same punishment I am.

I hope I wake up before I die. But I feel like I’ll die soon. I don’t know why. It’s like an impending doom feeling. I’m just anticipating it and praying that it won’t be excruciating, and that my soul will be forgiven. It often feels as though something bad is going to happen, but it never does. I think it’s just my anxiety.

Leyla

Hi there!

Before we get to the rest of your post, I wanted to clarify what you meant by hoping you wake up before you die, or feeling like you'll die soon? These sound like they could be super heavy feelings to be carrying, so thank you for sharing, but we want to make sure you have physical safety despite all of this!

PunchThe_Internet

Yes, physically I am safe. I consider my hallucinations and everything related to them (paranoia, anxiety, etc.) to be a nightmare (synonymous with the "other world"). So, my desire to "wake up" is the want to escape my nightmare (the hallucinations, paranoia, and other world) in which I find myself in. I believe the feeling that I’m going to die soon is part of my paranoia, rather than an actual probability that I will.
I am safe. I’ve been clean for eight months now. I don't have the motivation or the means to take my own life.

Lily

Hi there @PunchThe_Internet ,

Thank you so much for getting back to us and clarifying your safety. I'm glad to hear you do feel safe at the moment, and also great to hear that you are eight months clean - we are all so proud of you!

Thank you also for sharing what is going on for you at the moment, its a really brave step to take. It sounds like things are feeling really tough at the moment for you, particularly with your hallucinations. I'm understanding that its bringing up a lot of anxiety for you, which makes sense especially as you are confused on why they are happening. I'm hearing that you are struggling to verbalise your thoughts and feelings, and things are coming out different from how they are in your head. This sounds really frustrating for you, and I'm wondering if it's contributing to feelings of overwhelm and difficulty focusing. What do you think? I also wondered if you've explored expressing how you're feeling in different ways such as writing down your thoughts or drawing?

That's great to hear that you have a therapist that you are able to share this with as well. I'm wondering if you have expressed to her what you've shared here about it feeling like potentially the root of this is coming from paranoia rather than stress. Is this something you could explore with your therapist?

Also, I know you shared that you find it hard to discern from your reality and your 'nightmares', and I'm hearing that it feels very all-consuming and scary at times. How do you feel after these hallucinations happen, emotionally and physically?

You're doing really well reaching out for support in our Community. We're here and we're listening.

PunchThe_Internet

Thank you.

I am having a difficult time focusing, but I think my inability to focus is a separate issue. My thoughts and speech have been feeling more disorganised lately. I keep switching my words around or phrasing things oddly in ways that I wouldn't normally, which I think makes me a bit incoherent.
I've also been having a hard time with things like self-care and hygiene, admittedly. I don't have the motivation to sleep or eat. I'm not scared of anything, it's just as though something is preventing me (probably my unconscious mind somehow, though I'm not sure).

As for expressing myself, I usually write it down in my journal, which I'm also using to log my hallucinations and feelings of paranoia. More recently, I've started making music again. It usually calms me and helps me focus on what I'm doing in the moment.

I have spoken to my therapist about it. I'm not sure what they think or what I should do. I don't remember. I'm scared to ask for specifics, but I would really like an answer as to why I'm hallucinating, or at least some sort of explanation, if possible.

As for my physical and emotional feelings, it depends on the intensity of the hallucinations. With the more frightening and intense ones, I cannot move or at least I'm too scared to. But with the everyday hallucinations, I think I'm fine physically. Emotionally, it again depends on the severity of the hallucination, but they can be quite draining, especially if they're of a higher intensity and come with a sense of dread or paranoia. By 'intensity', I'm referring to how debilitating they are, such as whether I cannot move or I feel perfectly fine.

Sian321

@PunchThe_Internet , thank you for sharing this, and its really positive to hear that expressing yourself through journalling as well as making music has been a helpful way to calm yourself in some of the hardest moments.

You mentioned that you've been able to speak with your therapist about your hallucinations, however, I get the sense that you did not feel very clear about what they thought of the hallucinations or why they're happening - is that correct? What might it be like to ask your therapist about this? I heard you say you're scared to ask for specifics, and that is so valid. It can be really daunting to explore this. What are you afraid might happen if you do?

Thank you for sharing too about the emotional impact of the hallucinations, esspecially when you find it very difficult to move. That sounds really all-consuming, and again, it is so valid that these types of paranoia and hallucinations might feel exhausting to experience. I wonder whether the hallucinations tend to become more or less frequent at certain times?

We're here with you to listen without judgement as you explore this.The following services also specialise in support people who experience both visual and auditory hallucinations if helpful:

Voice Collective support children and young people who hear voices, see visions and have other 'unusual' sensory experiences or beliefs. They also offer support to the parents and families of those who hear voices. They have peer support groups for people aged 16-25 on Zoom, 1-to-1 email support for anyone under 25, and 1-to-1 Zoom/Teams support. They can also offer face-to-face support if you live locally to Camden in North London. They have a peer support forum on Discord for anyone aged 13-25 and they hold a number of online Creative Workshops throughout the year. You can get in touch and find more information by emailing info@voicecollective.co.uk. Their website is http://www.voicecollective.co.uk/

PunchThe_Internet

Yes, I don't know why my hallucinations occur. I have PTSD, but my hallucinations don't seem to have any connection to my trauma, so I doubt they're caused by it. They feel almost random? They don’t correlate with anything from my past. so I’m not sure what the cause is.

I’d probably ask my therapist what she thinks the hallucinations are, or why they might be happening. She’s not the kind of therapist who does this sort of thing, but I really don’t want to be put back on medication. In the past, I was prescribed medication for depression by a different therapist and it was a bad experience. I didn’t feel comfortable the psychiatrist and the medication made my symptoms worse. I hate the whole trial-and-error process of having to take something for a month only for it to have no positive effect. I don’t want to be drugged, or feel like the only way to 'fix' me is with something that comes with a plethora of potentially harmful side effects. I don’t want to be treated like a disease that just needs to be eradicated with prescriptions.

I’m not entirely sure how often the hallucinations happen depending on the time. They tend to occur throughout the day, but my paranoia can spike at night, although it's not very common. I'm partially afraid of the dark so that might be why. I still have paranoia throughout the day, though. The hallucinations occur less when I am focused.

PunchThe_Internet

As of the time I am writing this, I am currently hallucinating. It isn’t too bad, but I saw something on my bed, which I take as a negative. I have safe spots where they cannot get to me. They can stand around the safe spots, but not touch them or get on them. My bed is one of these safe spots. It has invaded one of the only safe spots I have, and now I’m panicking that more will appear on my bed. I’ve seen bugs crawling before, but they weren’t scary, and I don’t think they were real. I’m not sure what to make of this. It has been two weeks since the hallucinations began again, and they’ve been at a moderate intensity, aside from a few spikes.

They’re watching me. They’re judging me. The voice in my head thinks the opposite of me or thinks things I wouldn’t normally. All of this is my fault in some way. If I hadn’t ever met him, then I would be fine right now. He would laugh at me right now and tell me what a pathetic little bitch I am. Or was. Or am. I don’t know, none of this is normal, and I don’t know if these are my thoughts or ideas implanted into my brain from an external source. It could be anything. The government, I don’t know. I’m too special and must be studied before being eradicated. I don’t want to die, I just want to wake up. Stop suppressing me. Stop judging me. I’m not an insect to be studied under a microscope. I’m a person, at least I think I am. Medication won’t make the hallucinations go away, it's all worthless to me.

Anyway, back to the main point. The hallucinations are watching me and I can’t do anything to make them go away. Everything is fuzzy and the colour on my walls looks strange. The light is too bright and my vision is splotchy. I want to sleep all day.