Selective mutism is so fucking hopeless (TW just in case: very frustrated)

AnonymousToe

I (probably) have selective mutism and it’s controlled my whole life. I can’t get assessed for it because they say ‘it’s just a part of autism’ and there’s no help for it once you turn 18. I didn’t get help as a child because nobody cared. My teachers couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to me.

Nobody knows what it’s like. Some people have patience and understanding about it, but not the people whose job it is to help me. I can’t get therapy or counselling or any actual help because everyone always just says there’s no point if I can’t talk to them. How am I supposed to get to a point where I can talk to them, if they’re not willing to make any adjustments for me???

It just makes me feel so fucking worthless. People can do whatever they want to me, because I don’t have a voice so I can’t stick up for myself and nobody listens to me. Nobody gives a shit about how it makes me feel. I can suggest adjustments to people and they’re just outraged that I’d dare to be so entitled. How dare I want to communicate just like every other fucking person gets to?

And despite the stupid name, selective mutism isn’t a choice. It ruins everything. I can talk to people I’m comfortable with, but there are some people I can’t speak to at all, as well as some things I can’t say out loud to anyone. But I’m technically physically capable of talking so that just makes it all my fault apparently. I’m so scared I’ll be like this forever. It’s hard to do anything about it when I have to fight to get any help 😕

So much for inclusion and autism acceptance month and all that shit about treating people equally 🙄

Leyla

Hihi Toe!!

I hear how frustrating this must be for you, and it sounds like a huge boundary for you to get past to access the support that you deserve. It seems like you have been let down and failed by lots of people so far in regards to your selective mutism, and it's really brave that you are still advocating for yourself as much as you can despite the hurdles you've faced.

It really is unfair for you as you deserve to be able to get support and be given the chance to be heard like everyone can too. And being mistreated because you don't 'have a voice' is unacceptable, and you are deserving of much more than that. I can see how this could make you feel rather bitter towards other people and the world/system, does that resonate at all?

It sounds like it's a common misconception that it's a choice as to when you can't speak, but you've explained well how it can be for someone actually going through it, and it is unjust to have such harsh reactions in situations where you are trying to seek help from professionals who are supposed to support and be patient with you. It sounds super telling that you've had nicer reactions from people who aren't even professionals!

You're right Toe, a lot of people are accepting when autism looks like how they expect it to, and this is a reflection of them and not you but unfortunately you are the one who ends up struggling with their reactions, which sounds completely unfair for you.

I was wondering if you have looked into webchat counselling or if that sounds like something which could appeal to you? We offer that here at The Mix

Thank you for sharing Toe, you're brave for doing so and we are here for you!!