If I turn out right and actually have petulant BPD, then I’m fucked

bignosegirly0

If I’m right, then one benefit would be that I atleast have an answer for my unhinged behaviour and mindset.

But the obvious downfall is that it’s incurable, and if others find out, they’re likely to want to stay away from you.

The concept of being diagnosed with BPD makes me feel like a fucking monster. And I’m trying not to cry since I’m about to head in my shift in a few minutes.

But right now, I just want to cry. I want someone to reassure me that I’m not a monster, and that as long as I work on improving myself, then there’s hope for me.

There’s also a lot of people with BPD who end up abusive, and I’m terrified that I’m gonna end up that route.

I’ve already done a lot of horrible things like snap at people, talk shit about those who’ve hurt me to get back at them, said horrible insults to hurt those who’ve hurt me.

I’m terrified of becoming worse.

I’m still on the waiting list, but I’m gonna bring this up with my therapist to see if I could get tested for this disorder.

Rose113

Hey @bignosegirly0

As someone with BPD, if your aware that you don’t want to become “abusive” then the chances are very unlikely because abusers don’t know they are abusers but i understand your worries

I promise you are NOT a monster, your a wonderful human being that is just dealing with a lot of stuff and being diagnosed with BPD doesn’t make you a monster it just means you need extra support and that’s okay

You can always contact your doctor about it and bring up your worries to them

Lily

Hey @bignosegirly0 ,thank you so much for sharing this with us. You've done really well to be so open and honest with what is going on for you right now. I'm hearing that you are feeling a lot of conflict and anxiety around a BPD diagnosis. That on one hand it would helpful to have a 'an answer', maybe something tangible to put a label on your feelings and actions? Does this sound right? I'm also hearing that it's really scary, both for you and also for what you think others might think. I want you to know that we hear you and it is so valid for you to feel scared and conflicted, but we are all here to support you in Community.

I can reassure you that here at the Mix we don't think you are a monster, and there is hope. You have done so well in taking the steps to support yourself, and you are doing a lot of self-exploration at the moment and we are all so proud of you.

I wonder what might have brought on your anxiety about 'becoming worse' and what you think that might look like for you? And I also wonder how you are feeling around being tested for BPD, and speaking to your doctor. It seems a really positive and brave step to talk about this with your therapist and to reach out to get tested.

I hear that you are worried about what a BPD diagnosis would mean for you. I have linked an article about BPD that highlights some of the misconceptions around it, such as it being 'incurable', I'm wondering if this would maybe be helpful to understand a bit more about BPD? and maybe help settle some of your anxious feelings around what it would mean for you. https://changemh.org/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us, you have been so brave and we are all here to support you.

bignosegirly0

@Lily I fear of becoming worse because I don’t seem to be in control of my emotions or actions. Despite having high self awareness, I still end up feeling bitter and snap at others.

I fear my stupid behaviour will get me in massive trouble and everyone will finally see that I’m a horrible person. I’m also worried that I will end up
Emotionally ruining someone in the same way others have ruined me in the past.

I’m really wanting to get tested for BPD because I feel it is urgent for me to get help to stop hurting others. I don’t care if I suffer in silence. I don’t care if I end up taking my own life in the end. I’m more worried about hurting others.

Also, I will have a look into your article. Thank you for your help.