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its all my fault đđ

since loosing chloe its been a shit shit time for me. i have been rly struggling since her death and i cant help but blame myself. her death keeps reminding me of losing my mum last year bc i still blame myself for my mums death bc i could of helped her more same with chloe bc if i had said something else to chloe idk what but maybe just maybe shed be here still. i just cant stop blaming myself. 
im struggling with every day life rn more then before bc i have 0 energy to do anything. life is rly crap and waking up each day is painful in itself bc im in so much distress from time i wake up to going to sleep. it hurts knowing I keep loosing rly important ppl in my life. it hurts my heart.
i have noone in my life rn to turn to bc only ppl i have dont care/or are abusive. my sister hasnt been bothering with me but idk why bc i have always been there for her. since moving out my dads place i havenât spoken to him bc it was a rly traumatic experience with the abuse etc. My life just sucks it rly does.
I wish i was happy bc i see so many ppl outside of my flat smiling yes ppl can fake smiles but just seeing ppl giggling and being around ppl close to them makes me cry bc i have no one to smile or giggle with. im just in so much pain im lonely im a mess.
sry for this post i just have been rly struggling this past week and i feel so alone and trapped in my head i just needed to get everything out of my mind.

im struggling with every day life rn more then before bc i have 0 energy to do anything. life is rly crap and waking up each day is painful in itself bc im in so much distress from time i wake up to going to sleep. it hurts knowing I keep loosing rly important ppl in my life. it hurts my heart.
i have noone in my life rn to turn to bc only ppl i have dont care/or are abusive. my sister hasnt been bothering with me but idk why bc i have always been there for her. since moving out my dads place i havenât spoken to him bc it was a rly traumatic experience with the abuse etc. My life just sucks it rly does.
I wish i was happy bc i see so many ppl outside of my flat smiling yes ppl can fake smiles but just seeing ppl giggling and being around ppl close to them makes me cry bc i have no one to smile or giggle with. im just in so much pain im lonely im a mess.

sry for this post i just have been rly struggling this past week and i feel so alone and trapped in my head i just needed to get everything out of my mind.
ppl dont always need advice. sometimes all they rly need is a hand to hold. an ear to listen. and a heart to understand them. đ§¸
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Open 5pm till 12am
https://www.thecalmzone.net/
Open 24/7 I think
https://knus.io/
Open from 7pm till 10pm Sunday to Wednesday which is not useful for now as it's Thursday but in general if you're struggling during the time period then it's open
https://www.myblackdog.co/
This place can offer 15 minute chats
https://www.mindinsomerset.org.uk/
Here's some guides to support and bereavement
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/support-and-self-care/
Please keep going strong, I'm only a pm away and everyone else is here for you here too â¤ď¸ .
that sounds incredibly tough, and iâm really sorry youâre feeling this way. you have been through so much loss and pain, and itâs completely understandable that youâre struggling right now. please know that youâre not alone, ever, and i am here for you, always.
i know itâs easier said than done, but please try to be kinder to yourself - you deserve kindness eylah. grief has a way of making us believe we could have done more, but you are not to blame for what happened to chloe or your mum. you loved them both deeply, and i have no doubt they knew that. sometimes, our minds convince us that we had control over things that were never really in our hands.
i hate that youâre feeling so lonely, and i wish i could take some of this pain away. you deserve to have people who care about you and support you, and even if it feels like you donât right now, please know that i care. i see you, and i hear you. you are not a mess, youâre someone whoâs hurting, and thatâs ok!
please donât apologise for reaching out. i would rather you let it all out than keep it bottled up. you donât have to go through this alone, and iâll always be here to listen. if theres any way i can help at all eylah, please let me know - i care about you!
you matter so much more than you realise - youâve got this
I hear just how deeply you miss Chloe and your Mum. So bad it makes your head hurt. That feels heart-wrenching, and you're holding so, so much right now and processing a huge amount.
This part sounds esspecially painful, particularly as much of chloe's death is reminding you of losing your mum and those same feelings of helplessness and wishing so much that you could have changed things. It feels like that self-blame is weighing really, really heavy right now and it keep playing relentlessly in your mind. That sounds so hard, Eylah, and I know it's incredibly tough, but I'm really hoping that you can find small ways to be kind to yourself through this. You're greiving the loss of two of the most important people in your world. And even though I hear you feel responsible, you are not to blame for their pain or their deaths. You have loved them both every single step of the way. And I'm sure they've felt that. I'm so glad you can talk about these things here, and we're here to support you.
thankyou sian it means a lot to me
i know this post is abt missing chloe but mothers day is coming up and im gonna struggle so much bc its first time spending it without mum being here and im already knowing its gonna be a hard day.
miss them so much im feeling so low rn bc of this and i did reach out to a helpline abt this but they werenât very helpful so i have to sit with this alone.
im safe no plans
iâm really sorry youâre feeling this way. i know it doesnât feel like it right now, but you are not alone in this, and you donât have to carry all this pain by yourself. losing people you love so much is incredibly hard, and it makes sense that youâre struggling, grief can feel so isolating, especially when you feel like the people who truly cared about you are gone, but you still matter, and there are people who care about you, even if it doesnât feel like it right now.
i know you say you donât need support, but you deserve support. you donât have to go through this alone. even if you donât want to reach out to a helpline, please know that iâm here for you a you donât at all have to pretend everything is fine with me. youâre allowed to feel this pain, and youâre allowed to talk about it. i care about you so much, and i donât want you to struggle with this on your own. please do reach out if you need! you are not alone, ever, im here.
so so proud of you eylah
What you're processing right now is so, so much, and it is totally valid that you might be thinking a lot about your Mum too at this time as well as Chloe. There is space and love for both of them at exactly the same time.
I hear you about just how daunting tomorrow feels with it being Mother's Day. I can imagine it feeling dreadful to think of. I know it doesn't ease the weight of what you're going through, but we will all be here for you tomorrow on Community and this space will continue to be a place you can offload anything that's on your mind. You won't have to get through tomorrow entirely on your own. And you don't have to 'show up' in this space any particular way. Maybe tomorrow you'll feel really talkative, or quiet, or exhausted. Whatever tomorrow looks like, its okay
Thinking of you lots and I wonder what taking care of yourself this evening might look like, or what kind of positive distractions there could be?
Take all the time you need, Eylah. Nothing you're feeling is wrong. You're doing so well to talk about this.