its all my fault 😭💔

eylah

since loosing chloe its been a shit shit time for me. i have been rly struggling since her death and i cant help but blame myself. her death keeps reminding me of losing my mum last year bc i still blame myself for my mums death bc i could of helped her more same with chloe bc if i had said something else to chloe idk what but maybe just maybe shed be here still. i just cant stop blaming myself.

im struggling with every day life rn more then before bc i have 0 energy to do anything. life is rly crap and waking up each day is painful in itself bc im in so much distress from time i wake up to going to sleep. it hurts knowing I keep loosing rly important ppl in my life. it hurts my heart.

i have noone in my life rn to turn to bc only ppl i have dont care/or are abusive. my sister hasnt been bothering with me but idk why bc i have always been there for her. since moving out my dads place i haven’t spoken to him bc it was a rly traumatic experience with the abuse etc. My life just sucks it rly does.

I wish i was happy bc i see so many ppl outside of my flat smiling yes ppl can fake smiles but just seeing ppl giggling and being around ppl close to them makes me cry bc i have no one to smile or giggle with. im just in so much pain im lonely im a mess.

sry for this post i just have been rly struggling this past week and i feel so alone and trapped in my head i just needed to get everything out of my mind.

Redemption

It's completely reasonable to struggle so much with everything you've been through, but none of this is your fault and you have nothing to apologise for. Losing people close is absolutely devastating, heartbreaking, and it's natural to wonder if things could have been different, but you are not to blame. You cared deeply, and that alone shows how much they meant to you. You're carrying so so much, and it makes sense that you're struggling, but you deserve support, kindness, and people who truly care. You are not alone, and you are not a mess. You're so so strong. You're someone who has been through so much and is still holding on even when it feels unbearable, and that strength matters. Please keep reaching out here you need or want, there's no limit to how much you reach out here. It's completely reasonable to struggle with everything you've been through, but none of this is your fault and you have nothing to apologise for. Losing people you love is heartbreaking, and it's natural to wonder if things could have been different, but you are not to blame. You cared deeply, and that alone shows how much they meant to you. You're carrying so much, and it makes sense that you're struggling, but you deserve support, kindness, and people who truly care. You are not alone, and you are not a mess. You're someone who has been through so much and is still holding on even when it feels unbearable, and that strength matters.

Open 5pm till 12am
https://www.thecalmzone.net/

Open 24/7 I think
https://knus.io/

Open from 7pm till 10pm Sunday to Wednesday which is not useful for now as it's Thursday but in general if you're struggling during the time period then it's open
https://www.myblackdog.co/


This place can offer 15 minute chats
https://www.mindinsomerset.org.uk/

Here's some guides to support and bereavement
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/support-and-self-care/

Please keep going strong, I'm only a pm away and everyone else is here for you here too ❤️ .

shannon_164

hey @eylah 🙂

that sounds incredibly tough, and i’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. you have been through so much loss and pain, and it’s completely understandable that you’re struggling right now. please know that you’re not alone, ever, and i am here for you, always.

i know it’s easier said than done, but please try to be kinder to yourself - you deserve kindness eylah. grief has a way of making us believe we could have done more, but you are not to blame for what happened to chloe or your mum. you loved them both deeply, and i have no doubt they knew that. sometimes, our minds convince us that we had control over things that were never really in our hands.

i hate that you’re feeling so lonely, and i wish i could take some of this pain away. you deserve to have people who care about you and support you, and even if it feels like you don’t right now, please know that i care. i see you, and i hear you. you are not a mess, you’re someone who’s hurting, and that’s ok!

please don’t apologise for reaching out. i would rather you let it all out than keep it bottled up. you don’t have to go through this alone, and i’ll always be here to listen. if theres any way i can help at all eylah, please let me know - i care about you!

you matter so much more than you realise - you’ve got this

eylah

thankyou both so much for your kind kind words. waking up today and seeing such kind words has melted my heart bc im having a crap day again dealing with suicidal thoughts. ( i have no plan or anything its just thoughts) i don’t need a helpline either. < and im missing mum and chlo so much it is hurting my heart. thankyou both again!

Sian321

Hey @eylah , I just wanted to post a message here to say that even while I know there are no words that can lift this pain you're in right now, we're here with you.

I hear just how deeply you miss Chloe and your Mum. So bad it makes your head hurt. That feels heart-wrenching, and you're holding so, so much right now and processing a huge amount.

her death keeps reminding me of losing my mum last year bc i still blame myself for my mums death bc i could of helped her more same with chloe bc if i had said something else to chloe idk what but maybe just maybe shed be here still. i just cant stop blaming myself.

This part sounds esspecially painful, particularly as much of chloe's death is reminding you of losing your mum and those same feelings of helplessness and wishing so much that you could have changed things. It feels like that self-blame is weighing really, really heavy right now and it keep playing relentlessly in your mind. That sounds so hard, Eylah, and I know it's incredibly tough, but I'm really hoping that you can find small ways to be kind to yourself through this. You're greiving the loss of two of the most important people in your world. And even though I hear you feel responsible, you are not to blame for their pain or their deaths. You have loved them both every single step of the way. And I'm sure they've felt that. I'm so glad you can talk about these things here, and we're here to support you.

eylah

Sian321 wrote: »

Hey @eylah , I just wanted to post a message here to say that even while I know there are no words that can lift this pain you're in right now, we're here with you.

I hear just how deeply you miss Chloe and your Mum. So bad it makes your head hurt. That feels heart-wrenching, and you're holding so, so much right now and processing a huge amount.

her death keeps reminding me of losing my mum last year bc i still blame myself for my mums death bc i could of helped her more same with chloe bc if i had said something else to chloe idk what but maybe just maybe shed be here still. i just cant stop blaming myself.

This part sounds esspecially painful, particularly as much of chloe's death is reminding you of losing your mum and those same feelings of helplessness and wishing so much that you could have changed things. It feels like that self-blame is weighing really, really heavy right now and it keep playing relentlessly in your mind. That sounds so hard, Eylah, and I know it's incredibly tough, but I'm really hoping that you can find small ways to be kind to yourself through this. You're greiving the loss of two of the most important people in your world. And even though I hear you feel responsible, you are not to blame for their pain or their deaths. You have loved them both every single step of the way. And I'm sure they've felt that. I'm so glad you can talk about these things here, and we're here to support you.

thankyou sian it means a lot to me .

i know this post is abt missing chloe but mothers day is coming up and im gonna struggle so much bc its first time spending it without mum being here and im already knowing its gonna be a hard day.

miss them so much im feeling so low rn bc of this and i did reach out to a helpline abt this but they weren’t very helpful so i have to sit with this alone.

Penny

I’m so sorry, that sounds really shit for you, I can relate to that feeling so much, but remember it isn’t your fault, you are not to blame, keep going even when it seems so tough, just get through ten minutes and then another ten minutes. Life isn’t perfect and I’m really sorry abt Chloe ml stay strong, we will support you as much as we can ❤️❤️

eylah

tmr is going to be so tough for me. im sat here struggling with suicidal thoughts. they are so painful especially when they come on suddenly. im missing mum and chlo so much. im just wanting to be happy but it doesn’t seem to happen at all now. it’s so depressing having 0 support when only ppl who cared abt you are dead. and im not reaching out to a helpline bc i dont need support im fine.

im safe no plans

shannon_164

hey @eylah 🙂

i’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. i know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you are not alone in this, and you don’t have to carry all this pain by yourself. losing people you love so much is incredibly hard, and it makes sense that you’re struggling, grief can feel so isolating, especially when you feel like the people who truly cared about you are gone, but you still matter, and there are people who care about you, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

i know you say you don’t need support, but you deserve support. you don’t have to go through this alone. even if you don’t want to reach out to a helpline, please know that i’m here for you a you don’t at all have to pretend everything is fine with me. you’re allowed to feel this pain, and you’re allowed to talk about it. i care about you so much, and i don’t want you to struggle with this on your own. please do reach out if you need! you are not alone, ever, im here.

so so proud of you eylah

eylah

just wanted to say im safe im just chilling at home.

shannon_164

i’m glad you’re feeling safe @eylah

Sian321

Hey @eylah , I just wanted to pop by here to send you so much care

What you're processing right now is so, so much, and it is totally valid that you might be thinking a lot about your Mum too at this time as well as Chloe. There is space and love for both of them at exactly the same time.

I hear you about just how daunting tomorrow feels with it being Mother's Day. I can imagine it feeling dreadful to think of. I know it doesn't ease the weight of what you're going through, but we will all be here for you tomorrow on Community and this space will continue to be a place you can offload anything that's on your mind. You won't have to get through tomorrow entirely on your own. And you don't have to 'show up' in this space any particular way. Maybe tomorrow you'll feel really talkative, or quiet, or exhausted. Whatever tomorrow looks like, its okay

Thinking of you lots and I wonder what taking care of yourself this evening might look like, or what kind of positive distractions there could be?

Take all the time you need, Eylah. Nothing you're feeling is wrong. You're doing so well to talk about this.

eylah

its not getting better. its getting worse and i cant deal it anymore. i blame myself and always will and nothing will change my decision on blaming myself. i wish i died instead of them. im safe dw i am just feeling like shit. i miss my mum n chloe.

Sian321

Hi @eylah , thank you so much for your post here. I hear you. It sounds so, so heavy. This guilt and the blame. It sounds like it's been eating away at you. And that's extreamly heavy to hold, to the point where you wish that you could take their place and to have died instead. That's an incredibly painful wish, and I hear just how much you are longing for them to both be alive again, Eylah. Your grief is so valid. We're listening, and we view you with no blame at all.

I wonder what last night was like for you, and also today? How have things been?

I wonder if there is anything or anyone that helps to make some of that self-balming feel a tiny bit quieter? If a dear friend of yours was feeling this way, what kind of words do you imagine they might need to hear? You deserve compassion and kindness around this, Eylah, and you're doing so well to talk and to post.

I will share be;low the name of an organisation which supports people who have been bereaved by suicide, and the unique and very difficult mixture of feelings that losing someone to suicide can bring up, including blame. Please find them here - https://uksobs.com/resources-for-you/booklets/.

We're here for you Eylah