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Not myself anymore, job is hard
Mistyinthesky
Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
Hello everyone,
At the moment, I’m feeling very odd. I’m at the point where I’m an adult but still feel like a child and everything’s quite strange, and I’m finding it hard to manage my emotions.
In school and through college, I always felt like I had to be the nicest person because if I wasn’t then I was bad essentially and the only way I would be loved and liked was if I wasn’t myself. This was to the point where I would criticise and check every single word I said. It was so hard as I felt like I was hiding parts of me and I feel guilty now about that as I feel that I was fake. I
I recognise I was growing up but I get anxious about that, which leads me on to the next thing.
Over the past year, I feel like I’ve gone back to who I truly am which unfortunately isn’t the kindest person, due to I think partly growing up and also hard experiences I have gone through. Felt like I was wasting my life from worrying and being someone I wasn’t was tiring. I am still kind to people but I feel that a bit more of my personality comes through now which I’m not sure I’m totally comfortable with but doing it anyway. I’ve had a lot of friendship issues which confirms to me how horrible I must be.
At work, the manager was saying that he would ask my colleague if she could stay on as I was nervous about being on my own ( buildings a separate building). I find him nice and funny but he has said stuff behind my back a few times I got angry, I’m not 100 percent sure if they were talking about me, but I’m very sure they were because of the faces my other colleague was making and they kept looking at me too. I rolled my eyes at them and went to the front when they looked at me because I was annoyed. Went to my manager where my colleague was stood there I explained (quite angrily) that my colleague (she was stood there) had told me that I was going to be in my own for whole days at some point. I was nervous as my manager hasn’t told me this. I asked my colleague this question specifically and she said I would be at some point. I got quite angry at her in front of my manager as he then was telling me I got the wrong end of the stick when I specifically asked that to her, my manger backed her up. I don’t mind being on my own, but the building is separate, we have a button to press which will call someone in an emergency, but it was pressed before (accidentally) and no one actually came down to help until a while later, which I actually discussed with them after at how bad this could be. it shows that they aren’t very quick if there was a problem.
My manger keeps telling me how words can hurt people, and how he’s not responsible for my happiness, and I get that, I really do. Second one hurt a lot though as I feel like we should all be kind to each other and saying that was just kind of rude. I am unsure if I am just sticking up for myself, or if I’m being unreasonable and a bit too firm. I’ve learned I have to be quite firm at work in order to be treated fairly, otherwise they take advantage of me. I’m just quite honestly too scared to be on my own as it’s in a separate building to the main part, on its own and I’m dealing with general public. Luckily our shop isn’t busy. My manger said ‘well everyone else has been alone’ but at the start I’m sure we were told we had to have at least two people. My colleague said we are meant to follow that practice but don’t always do that and then denied she said it.
A general thing in life that I’m annoyed about, is that I can accept others for their flaws, eg my manager not listening, interrupting me, being rude etc, but they can’t accept mine. Not just him, but people in my life can’t accept me for the things I may not be so good at/ proud of but it’s just me.
I just feel like I’m the most inherently awful person as I was clearly very angry and I didn’t speak in the nicest way to my manager and my colleague. I was just annoyed as my manager interrupts me, seems to think I’m silly and won’t ever admit he’s wrong. When he doesn’t understand what I’ve said, he’ll turn it round so it’s my fault and I get annoyed. I would change jobs but I do have some nice friends there, and I’m worried the next job would be even worse. What ever I say to my colleague always goes back to my manager as she’s the main bosses granddaughter- but I can’t help expressing my emotions to her as she’s the only one that’s around usually. I’ve got a work review soon and my manger will definitely hurt me in that.
I’m not really sure what I’m asking for by writing this, I just think I’m very anxious that I’m becoming a horrible person which I don’t want to be, I find it super hard to manage sad and angry emotions which usually ends in tears- I’m wondering if this could be caused by something? I’m not sure. I’m also nervous that everyone will now think I’m horrible at work. On top of all this, I am slowly trying to filter in that I’m lesbian. I’ve always known, but certain people can’t know, and others can. So there is a lot of tiptoeing and I have to be extremely careful who I tell etc, due to not knowing how people might take it.
Any advice would be really helpful xx
At the moment, I’m feeling very odd. I’m at the point where I’m an adult but still feel like a child and everything’s quite strange, and I’m finding it hard to manage my emotions.
In school and through college, I always felt like I had to be the nicest person because if I wasn’t then I was bad essentially and the only way I would be loved and liked was if I wasn’t myself. This was to the point where I would criticise and check every single word I said. It was so hard as I felt like I was hiding parts of me and I feel guilty now about that as I feel that I was fake. I
I recognise I was growing up but I get anxious about that, which leads me on to the next thing.
Over the past year, I feel like I’ve gone back to who I truly am which unfortunately isn’t the kindest person, due to I think partly growing up and also hard experiences I have gone through. Felt like I was wasting my life from worrying and being someone I wasn’t was tiring. I am still kind to people but I feel that a bit more of my personality comes through now which I’m not sure I’m totally comfortable with but doing it anyway. I’ve had a lot of friendship issues which confirms to me how horrible I must be.
At work, the manager was saying that he would ask my colleague if she could stay on as I was nervous about being on my own ( buildings a separate building). I find him nice and funny but he has said stuff behind my back a few times I got angry, I’m not 100 percent sure if they were talking about me, but I’m very sure they were because of the faces my other colleague was making and they kept looking at me too. I rolled my eyes at them and went to the front when they looked at me because I was annoyed. Went to my manager where my colleague was stood there I explained (quite angrily) that my colleague (she was stood there) had told me that I was going to be in my own for whole days at some point. I was nervous as my manager hasn’t told me this. I asked my colleague this question specifically and she said I would be at some point. I got quite angry at her in front of my manager as he then was telling me I got the wrong end of the stick when I specifically asked that to her, my manger backed her up. I don’t mind being on my own, but the building is separate, we have a button to press which will call someone in an emergency, but it was pressed before (accidentally) and no one actually came down to help until a while later, which I actually discussed with them after at how bad this could be. it shows that they aren’t very quick if there was a problem.
My manger keeps telling me how words can hurt people, and how he’s not responsible for my happiness, and I get that, I really do. Second one hurt a lot though as I feel like we should all be kind to each other and saying that was just kind of rude. I am unsure if I am just sticking up for myself, or if I’m being unreasonable and a bit too firm. I’ve learned I have to be quite firm at work in order to be treated fairly, otherwise they take advantage of me. I’m just quite honestly too scared to be on my own as it’s in a separate building to the main part, on its own and I’m dealing with general public. Luckily our shop isn’t busy. My manger said ‘well everyone else has been alone’ but at the start I’m sure we were told we had to have at least two people. My colleague said we are meant to follow that practice but don’t always do that and then denied she said it.
A general thing in life that I’m annoyed about, is that I can accept others for their flaws, eg my manager not listening, interrupting me, being rude etc, but they can’t accept mine. Not just him, but people in my life can’t accept me for the things I may not be so good at/ proud of but it’s just me.
I just feel like I’m the most inherently awful person as I was clearly very angry and I didn’t speak in the nicest way to my manager and my colleague. I was just annoyed as my manager interrupts me, seems to think I’m silly and won’t ever admit he’s wrong. When he doesn’t understand what I’ve said, he’ll turn it round so it’s my fault and I get annoyed. I would change jobs but I do have some nice friends there, and I’m worried the next job would be even worse. What ever I say to my colleague always goes back to my manager as she’s the main bosses granddaughter- but I can’t help expressing my emotions to her as she’s the only one that’s around usually. I’ve got a work review soon and my manger will definitely hurt me in that.
I’m not really sure what I’m asking for by writing this, I just think I’m very anxious that I’m becoming a horrible person which I don’t want to be, I find it super hard to manage sad and angry emotions which usually ends in tears- I’m wondering if this could be caused by something? I’m not sure. I’m also nervous that everyone will now think I’m horrible at work. On top of all this, I am slowly trying to filter in that I’m lesbian. I’ve always known, but certain people can’t know, and others can. So there is a lot of tiptoeing and I have to be extremely careful who I tell etc, due to not knowing how people might take it.
Any advice would be really helpful xx
2
Comments
It seems like you've been struggling with the balance between being kind to others while also being authentic to yourself. It’s common to feel like you need to mask your true feelings or be a certain way to be accepted, but eventually, when you start reclaiming your authenticity, it can feel unsettling or uncomfortable. It's natural to go through periods of self-doubt or worry about how you’re coming across, especially when emotions run high or when you feel misunderstood. It's clear that you don’t want to be "horrible," but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, our emotions spill out in ways we don't fully intend. That doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you human.
Regarding the work situation, it sounds like you're stuck in a frustrating cycle where you’re trying to stand up for yourself, but it feels like your concerns aren’t being heard or validated. It’s challenging to navigate situations where you're not being treated with the respect you deserve, especially when those feelings are dismissed. It’s understandable that this would make you feel angry and upset, and it’s okay to feel that way. It’s also understandable that you’d be anxious about the upcoming review. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to want more clarity and support at work.
I’m also hearing that the difficulty managing emotions like sadness and anger is causing you distress. Sometimes, when we bottle up emotions over time, it becomes harder to express them in a balanced way. You may be reacting to years of feeling like you had to hide or suppress parts of yourself. Emotions are tricky, but they’re also signals that we need to pay attention to—so it’s okay to feel upset or angry, but you deserve to express it in a way that feels safe and respectful for you.
As for your identity, that’s another layer of complexity. It's challenging to navigate your feelings when you're not able to fully be yourself around certain people. It’s understandable that this adds extra stress to everything you’re already dealing with. I imagine it’s tough to balance the desire to be authentic while also protecting yourself from potential judgment.
It's totally understandable to feel anxious about what others might think of you, but I’d also encourage you to try to give yourself grace during this time. You’re navigating a lot, and it’s okay not to have everything figured out. You don’t need to be perfect—being yourself, even when it's messy, is something that takes time and practice.