Need some advice

dardoo

Sorry this is kind of long.
I don’t know what to do i’ve ruined everything. I was with my boyfriend for over three years he is all i have known since school. We had issues last year where we drifted and i pulled away. We didn’t always get along but at the end of the day he was my person and we have so many memories. We broke up in October because I was distant and I didn’t know what to do. He blocked me and I started speaking to someone else to try and help me move on but i couldn’t let go. I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings and he contacted me again. I’d grown attachment to the other boy I had started speaking to as he was really nice to me. I started speaking to my ex again and seeing him. So now I was speaking to them both at the same time. I felt terrible, but I can’t make decisions at all and was scared to lose both of them.
They got in contact with each other a few days ago and found out I’d been seeing both of them. I went and spoke to the new guy i’d been seeing and he was fine with me after a day or two and still speaking to me now. I went to speak to my ex and it’s all over.
I’ve realised how badly I have messed up I feel like I can’t be without my ex now. I feel so stupid for realising after all of this has happened. I can’t stop thinking about him and all the memories I have with him. There is no way of ever speaking to him ever again. I mostly feel terrible about how I could have done this to him. He will never forgive me and he will hate me forever. I haven’t been able to leave my house for the past few days and haven’t been going to work. I know that I didn’t owe anyone my loyalties as I wasn’t with either of them - which is what my family and friends have been telling me, but I spoke to both of them like I loved them. I just can’t live with myself knowing how horrible of a human I have been.
Everyone tells me I will be fine but I just don’t feel like I will be fine. My ex is probably the most beautiful guy I have ever seen and I have really taken him for granted. I just wish I could go back and not let any of this happen and just worked everything out with my ex.
I also feel horrible about the fact I am still speaking to this new guy. I saw him the other day and just cried. He told me it’s fine and I was just confused but I just really want my ex back.
I’m scared to stop speaking to this guy, as I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have are at uni and live far away. It’s just nice to have someone nearby to talk to.
It’s not even like there is anyway of me meeting new friends as I don’t go anywhere except for work. I just feel really lonely and can’t stop thinking about my ex. Everything reminds me of him there’s so much music I like that he has shown me. There’s so many movies and TV series I have watched with him and now I know I can’t watch any of them without thinking of him.
I’ve stayed home with my mum on the days she hasn’t had work and my brother has stayed off school today so I’m not alone.
I’m just so scared of being alone.

Azziman

Hey @dardoo, firstly I want to apologise that you've not had a response so far. Thank you for sharing your experience, because your feelings are valid and what you have to say does matter. I can hear how you're feeling lonely at the moment, and that you feel isolated as your friends all live far away. It makes sense then that this situation between your ex and the new guy hurts a lot, given that having someone nearby to talk to means a lot to you.

On the relationship with your ex, I can hear how much this hurts you. It's clear that the relationship meant a lot to you, though how deep this feeling was apparent after you'd broken up. Break ups can be difficult, but at the time you mention you felt distant and it might have felt like the right thing to do at the time. You feel like you can't be without him, and appreciate that you've taken him for granted. But from his perspective, he's made it clear that he doesn't want to get back together, and you'll need to accept and respect that decision. That's the first step to moving on, and it does take time especially when it's a relationship we cherished deeply. It will hurt, but with each day and with the right support, the pain will decrease a little and you'll return back to your normal life.

You mention that you don't go anywhere except for work. Are there any clubs, social groups or communities that you could try out? Either something that you're interested in, or a new interest you could try? Those are great ways to meet people, and might be very helpful in meeting people nearby that you can talk to.

Unfortunately, we can't go back in time, and we can't undo the things that we've said and done. The next best thing we can do is reflect on our actions, take accountability and learn the lessons from our mistakes, and move forward. Those lessons can be difficult to take, but it's important not to overlook them, so we can make better decisions in the future. You haven't ruined everything, and you can feel better in time