(TW) Valentines coming up is making feel extra suicidal 😀👍

bignosegirly0

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna kill myself at the moment

because one of my brothers has a wedding coming up very soon. So I can’t kill myself otherwise I’ll ruin it.

With that being said, I genuinely can’t fucking do this anymore. I’m so fucking tired of being lonely. I have no bright future ahead of me. Even therapy can’t help me. I’m beyond help. No one is going to help me. I can’t even help myself.

And I don’t see myself making past 30. Not even 23. I feel as if I’m more likely to attempt to kill myself again before I ever get to experience love.

I’m so fucking desperate to reach out to someone But I also know it’s not available. Being given false hope isn’t gonna change the fact that I’m unlovable in the real world. Practically every guy my age is disgusted by my existence. I am practically nothing in this world.

I just want to kill my self so fucking badly. I’m so fucking tired of being alive. Why the fuck would I like to live up to my fifties all alone. I just want to fucking die.

I hate hearing conversations from others talking about their love lives, because I know I’ll never experience it. Hearing coworkers talk about how their partner is overprotective (not in a toxic manner) makes me want to kill myself even more.

I have no future ahead of me. I’m practically stuck until I decide to kill my self again.

Edit: I hate being ugly. I hate how my face is the reason why I’ll never experience love. I fucking hate my face so much. I wish I was never born with my horrible features.

Rose113

Are you feeling safe @bignosegirly0 we care about you

Sian321

Hi @bignosegirly0 , thank you for your post. We're here. We're listening. And we care.

It sounds like you're going through an extreamly hard time right now, and the thought of being unable to find love is leaving you feeling very, very helpless.

Growing older without a romantic partner feels incredibly painful to you, and it hurts every single time you hear your colleagues or others talking about their partners. You wish so much that romantic love would be something you experience too. I hear you, and it sounds heartbreaking to feel so trapped in this way, and so hopeless.

You mentioned

I’m so fucking desperate to reach out to someone But I also know it’s not available.

- can I ask what you mean by this?

May I also ask, how are you keeping yourself safe right now? What does the rest of this weekend look like for you, and who do you have around you at this time?

We're listening @bignosegirly0 , and we're right here with you to explore this together

TW: Suicide

You mentioned that you feel like you have no future ahead of you, and that you can't do this anymore. May I ask, what do you mean by 'this'? I can hear that you are having thoughts of attempting to end your life, and this sounds serious. For this reason, we are going to DM you to support you further, @bignosegirly0 .

I will share below some crisis services that are here for you if you do feel unable to keep safe. I hear that you're hurting so, so much right now, and in ways living feels unbareable. You matter so much @bignosegirly0 , and while The Mix is not a crisis service, we're all here as a Community to offer you emotional support

Further support options are:
The Mix's Crisis Messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, and are experiencing a personal crisis, are unable to cope and need support, you can text THEMIX to 85258. Their trained volunteer will introduce themselves, reflect on what you’ve said, and invite you to share at your own pace. You’ll text back and forth, only sharing what you feel comfortable with. They can deal issues such as Suicidal thoughts, abuse or assault, self-harm, bullying, relationship breakdown. You can find out more about it at https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/crisis-messenger.

Papyrus is a confidential support and advice service for children and young people under the age of 35 who are experiencing thoughts of suicide, or anyone concerned that a young person could be thinking about suicide. The helpline number is 0800 068 4141. You can also text them on 077862 09697, email pat@papyrus-uk.org or go to www.papyrus-uk.org The helpline is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week, including Bank Holidays.

There's a free mobile app called distrACT, it's available on the App Store (Apple) and Google Play (Android). The app gives you easy, quick, and discreet access to information and advice about self-harm and suicidal thoughts. The content has been created by doctors and experts in self-harming and suicide prevention. You can find out more here https://www.expertselfcare.com/distract/

bignosegirly0

@Rose113 hello, I am still safe. Thank you for the support.

Funnily enough (although I’ve been crying about it all day), after I’ve written this post, I went back to my work shift and dealt with two customers (they happened to be friends of a coworker who bullied me for being ugly), teasing me for being ugly; which made me feel so much worse lmao.

I’m just resting in my bed. I’m glad I’m not at work, so thankfully I can escape my dull reality by relaxing at home.

bignosegirly0

@Sian321 hello, I’m still safe. I’ve just finished a shift which made me feel so much worse. Ironically, after making this post and ranting about how no one will love me, I went back to my shift and dealt with two customers (who has targeted me in the past) going at me for being ugly lol.

When I say I’m desperate to reach out to someone, I mean I’m desperate to vent to someone in real life about my issues. I’ve been to therapy a few times in the past and there’s some issues that hasn’t been resolved. Everyday, I dwell over the depressing fact that no one is ever gonna love me due to my appearance, which leads to a lot of suicidal ideation. Hence, dealing with this alone everyday and trying everything to keep myself safe, I desperately yearn help from people in real life. I can’t speak to my family about my issues, because when I do, it leads to conflicts. I get called selfish, childish and an attention seeker. So having no one to emotionally support me (even though it’s no one else responsibility but mine), I constantly wish I could reach out to someone and say I want to end my life. I yearn to be vulnerable with someone and receive love and support. But that’s not possible, since I don’t have friends and most people at my workplace hate me. I’m still looking for a new job, but indeed is letting me down 😭😭😭

When I say I have no future and can’t do this anymore, I mean I see nothing to look forward to in life. Everyday practically feels the same. Dull and lonely. Even though I have moments feeling like I can’t do this anymore, I still manage to go though tough times. It’s just that during tough moments, I feel as if I can’t cope. I’m still doing well at keeping myself safe. But I’m happy to further discuss this in my dms, thank you.