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Why can't I let go of things that I did in the past - A small vent
Amy22
Posts: 5,018 Part of The Furniture
You've probably seen me post this lots eventhough I rarely post on here as much now. In a way I guess I thought I was doing better than before and that I come so far with things, but there's always this tiny regret in my head I got and it will probably stay with me forever. Now I know that a lot of people will probably say what happens in the past happens in the past and yes that is technically true. But I can't help but ponder over my mistakes and everything I shouldent have done and sometimes I think if I didn't do this, then what could have happened next. I feel like I am doing better than I was before but I have this stupid anxious feeling and like the constant overthinking is getting to me again. Your probably wondering what mistakes I have made in the past to make me feel this way, so I will quickly sum up everything that happened in the past.
It all started in 2020, on my art course I did. Everything seem to be going well until I decided to fuck everything up for myself. So I wanted to do Inktober and my friend said i could but said that the creator of the event actually plagarized another artist/author in the past and I felt bad that I supported a bad person. This then created a spiral of me feeling bad and then I realised that I used to copy a lot of drawings to learn. Geniunely people will think well thats how you learn, but im meant to be drawing from my imagination. I felt like a fake sometimes. It got to the point where I would have to self reference every single drawing I did to feel better. In my animation class I was supposed to be drawing from my imagination with a given prompt, but it was a location I didn't know of and I decided to google the prompt. I wished I told my teacher that I googled the prompt because I was stuck but I didnt, told my parents and they said not to either. I even in illustration class, copied an artist's caricature of sherlock holmes/benedict cumberbatch drawing and I told my tutor I think (cant remember because it was a while ago) about it and he said it was ok to do. I had to use references all the time and I felt so bloody fake I hated it. Even worse I had to re-do my maths. In maths, I had to do this paper but I thought the deadline was the next day so I panicked and googled all of the answers on a youtube video and put them on the test so technically I felt like I cheated because my mum was there and she helped me. Also because it was during covid too on my course I had to do one of my maths tests at home and I panicked because my mind went blank and I had to have my mum sit with me in the test at home to make me feel better. I decided because I felt like I cheated in both my art and maths I told my tutors eventhough they said everything was ok. I even said to my tutor about watching the maths video to get the answers for one of the papers and she said that the paper wasnt going to be marked towards my final grade and that if I was stuck in the maths test she would have helped me a bit as well or helped to read the questions. Im just such a fucking fake person all the time and I hate it. Excuse my way of writing this all down its just I dont like who I am. I know I have come so far and even managed to do a bbc traineeship after deciding that I wanted to do creative media after my art course. But sometimes I cant help but feel like im a bad person. Its worse because I used to do art all the time and I got a small sketchbook to start drawing again but my brain cant drawn anymore because of what I did. Also, I used to write too but I rarely write anymore. I have used AI in the past and recently went on AI dungeon to play a game but I feel bad in using AI because of the environmental factors I found out recently about. I think maybe all these thoughts have come from because I am currently unemployed at the moment and I haven't got much to do well I should be reading more books and I got my crochet/knitting but still everything seems boring lately. Apologies for this silly rant of mine.
It all started in 2020, on my art course I did. Everything seem to be going well until I decided to fuck everything up for myself. So I wanted to do Inktober and my friend said i could but said that the creator of the event actually plagarized another artist/author in the past and I felt bad that I supported a bad person. This then created a spiral of me feeling bad and then I realised that I used to copy a lot of drawings to learn. Geniunely people will think well thats how you learn, but im meant to be drawing from my imagination. I felt like a fake sometimes. It got to the point where I would have to self reference every single drawing I did to feel better. In my animation class I was supposed to be drawing from my imagination with a given prompt, but it was a location I didn't know of and I decided to google the prompt. I wished I told my teacher that I googled the prompt because I was stuck but I didnt, told my parents and they said not to either. I even in illustration class, copied an artist's caricature of sherlock holmes/benedict cumberbatch drawing and I told my tutor I think (cant remember because it was a while ago) about it and he said it was ok to do. I had to use references all the time and I felt so bloody fake I hated it. Even worse I had to re-do my maths. In maths, I had to do this paper but I thought the deadline was the next day so I panicked and googled all of the answers on a youtube video and put them on the test so technically I felt like I cheated because my mum was there and she helped me. Also because it was during covid too on my course I had to do one of my maths tests at home and I panicked because my mind went blank and I had to have my mum sit with me in the test at home to make me feel better. I decided because I felt like I cheated in both my art and maths I told my tutors eventhough they said everything was ok. I even said to my tutor about watching the maths video to get the answers for one of the papers and she said that the paper wasnt going to be marked towards my final grade and that if I was stuck in the maths test she would have helped me a bit as well or helped to read the questions. Im just such a fucking fake person all the time and I hate it. Excuse my way of writing this all down its just I dont like who I am. I know I have come so far and even managed to do a bbc traineeship after deciding that I wanted to do creative media after my art course. But sometimes I cant help but feel like im a bad person. Its worse because I used to do art all the time and I got a small sketchbook to start drawing again but my brain cant drawn anymore because of what I did. Also, I used to write too but I rarely write anymore. I have used AI in the past and recently went on AI dungeon to play a game but I feel bad in using AI because of the environmental factors I found out recently about. I think maybe all these thoughts have come from because I am currently unemployed at the moment and I haven't got much to do well I should be reading more books and I got my crochet/knitting but still everything seems boring lately. Apologies for this silly rant of mine.
Just a person who likes pop culture and films
7
Comments
Thank you so much @sinead276 I really really appreciate your words so much. I think for me maybe because I haven't been doing much lately my brain has been ruminating over past mistakes and errors I did
I think for me at the moment its focusing on the present moment so im not constantly overthinking about the past and the future at the same time. I have been attending an art group on a Monday which has been lovely because I can socialise and practice my craft which is helpful. Thank you so so much I really appreciate your support, I sometimes find I get now and then anxious episodes when I feel good and relaxed.